The love she never knew

Wilhemina

It had been a week since you started avoiding her, a week since she saw you in that helpless state. You hated to be seen that way, especially by the woman you are head over heels for. In all your life you have never felt the love, that was until Ms.Venable came. She made you feel things you never thought you were capable of feeling. You never wanted to avoid her but thought it was best for both of you. The only perosn you ever cared about was hurt because of you, because she of you. That whole memory was foggy, like it had been changed somewhere from the time of the event to now. In the week you had been at the outpost five fights had broken out. One about the food, again, by the same irritating blonde as before. The others seemed so unimportant that you didn't even try to figure out what was going on. The routine you had set became regular. Every morning you would wake up, get into your day clothes, go eat breakfast, go to the library to catalogue the books to figure out what books the library had, during that process you would but a stor next to the ones that seemed to interest you. Then you would get ready for the dinning hall, wearing some horribly uncomfortable dress that you were only in for about half an hour. Normally after you ate you would either go to the library or go to your room depending on your mood. Night would always follow, mostly restless for you. Insomnia was somthing you struggled with before everything happened. During those nights at the outpost you would either just stare at the celling or wander the halls. Everyone was supposed to be in bed by this time, it was one of the rules, but you felt you couldn't. The more you stayed awake in the room just staring, the more claustrophobic you felt. Because of the time Ms.Mead and Ms.Venable were in their room just as they expected everyone else to be. After your walks you were able to go to sleep and wake up just to repeat everything that just happened. It was a cycle, one that wouldn't break, one that would last until you either died or it was safe to be outside.
     Today after breakfast, just as normal, you walked to the library and continued to catalogue books as you as on the couch. Everytime you wrote down the name of the book you could have sworn you heard it before, but that would be impossible because they were all in latin, a dead language. The books were placed back on the shelf after you had finished with them and ten more were grabbed and taken back to the area you were working. Just as you were about to grab the old red book sitting on top, you heard the sound of the cane, her cane. You weren't afraid, nothing could make you fear her. The emotion that filled you was anxiety, that was because of the crush you had for her. You were anxious that you were going to say something stupid, this is something that happens quite frequently. Ms.Venable walked closer and closer until she was standing right in front of you. The close proximity made you blush. "Ember, I haven't seen you around recently, you barely even stay for mealtime." She says concerned. "I'm sorry Ms.Venable, I have been busy with organizing the library.". You hoped she believed the semi-truth you gave her but she did not. In all honesty you wouldn't have believed it either. "That's not true. You and I both know that. You have been avoiding me since that night when you left in a hurry.". When you looked into her eyes you could see that she was hurt by this. You never meant to hurt her, you were trying to protect her. She sat down next to you and sat her cane down gently. "Did I do something wrong?" was all she could ask you her voice shaking, barely above a whisper. "No, it's me. I'm scared, I don't want you to get hurt. The last woman.." you trailed off knowing you had already said to much. You really weren't the type of person who liked sharing emotions but part of that was because no one wanted to hear what you had to say, no one cared so you never shared. With Ms.Venable that was different, you could tell she really cared but because you hadn't confided in another person for so long it wasn't easy. "What happened to the last woman Ember, I hope I am not being to invasive.". She cared for you, she really cared. "She died. It's all my fault. She died because of me.". Admitting to what you thought was the truth created a pain stabbing through your heart. It was your fault she was dead, you could have saved her but you didn't. The details of her death seemed to be a blur but all you know for certain is you somehow caused her death. "I'm sure that's not true, you may feel like it is but you don't need to blame yourself. If you didn't pull the trigger then you didn't kill her, it is not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself." The older woman pleaded. You could see a tear roll down her cheek breaking your heart from the inside out. Without thinking you moved your hand to her cheek and wiped away her tears. Your blue eyes stared into her deep chocolate orbs. Both of you were lost starring into the soul of the other as time stood still. Everything happened so quickly but also very slowly, nothing could stop the events but they weren't meant to be stopped. She leaned her head into you as you did the same, caught up in the moment. The second her lips crashed against hers a spark of electricity flew through your entire body followed by a wave of serenity. At first the kiss was chaste but it quickly changed. She moved to get closer to you, her hands making their way to rest on your hips while she took the other one and placed it on the back of your neck. You moved as close to the woman before you and put your hands on her waist. Hunger grew inside of you just as it did with Ms.Venable. Your lips separated from hers as you gasped for air. She rested her forhead on yours and gave a smile. For a moment you were embarassed and your cheeks reddened like a rose. "Ms.Venable I.." you started, about to apologise for kissing her before you were interrupted. "When we are alone call me Wilhemina.". A beautiful name you thought to yourself. "Wilhemina," you corrected, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." She cut you off before you could finish. "Ember, don't apologise. I wanted to know if you felt the same.". You allowed yourself to sink into her, your head resting on her chest. A few moments of silence passed, neither of you spoke a word. Wilhemina played with your long hair just as she had done when you broke down in front of her. "So what happens now?" you spoke up as you turned to look her in the eyes. "What do you mean.". It was obvious she knew what you meant. "What are we, do we just pretend this never happened? Will you avoid me now? What is going to happen." you restated starting to get yourself worked up. "Ember, sweetheart, I will not avoid you. Maybe I could visit you here more often or you could come to my room after dinner. We have to keep it a secret though, nobody can know about this.". She didn't even have to tell you the last part, you knew that you couldn't tell anyone, who were you even going to tell? You had no friends here, the only person you ever spoke to was Wilhemina. "I know." you simply stated putting a hand to caress her cheek. As you continued to get lost into her eyes, she brought a hand to yours, both hands now on her cheek. "I would love to stay here with you but we must get ready for dinner, tardiness is never acceptable." she began before you stopped her. "When there is nothing else to do, I remember.". She let out a soft chuckle melting your heart, you loved to see her smile. Even though you had eternity to spend with her you wished you could be next to her every second. That wasn't possible though, she had to keep order in outpost three. YOu were excited to go to her room after dinner but you hated the thought of going to dinner. Those people you had to put up with were stupid and pathetic. They didn't understand that they could be dead right now, all they wanted was fancy dinners everynight, parties, everything they got when the world wasn't covered with radiation. Spoiled rich people are all they were while the greys were just thankful they are alive. They don't care that they have to work for the people they had to. All you wanted was to skip dinner and just spend time with Wilhemina, that's all you will ever want to do. For now dinner comes first, then love.