The love she never knew

Mental Breakdown

After the previous nights events, you woke up to what sounded like an alarm clock spreading through the entire outpost. This was your wake up call. When you opened your eyes, you momentarily you had no clue where you were. The room filled with red adorments was one that you didn't process as your own, immediatly anyway. It didn't take long for your memories to return, the sound of the bombs once again filling your ears, the end of the world was still something you needed to get used to. You didn't lose much yesterday, you left Willow your furry compainion who has been with you for fifteen years. She died before the apocalypse, you were gratefully she went peacfully instead of killed by the bombs or the radiation that followed. Quickly you jumped out of bed, your feet landing on the cold wooden floor sending a chill though your body. The first thing on your list to do was get dressed, luckily you had a more sensible outfit to wear today but you knew that for dinner you were going to have to change back into the evening gown. Meal time seemed to be the part of the day you hate the most. With much dread you walked to the dinning hall, slowly not wanting to actually sit down and eat with the people you were trapped with. Eventually you made it to the table, most people were already sitting down, a few gaps were present where people were missing but your spot wasn't taken yet. The missing people came and breakfast was served, just another cube, nothing exciting, honestly it was the same as last night. Everyone was chatting up a storm while you just sat not saying a word to anyone, alone with your thoughts. Suddenly you were drawn out of the deep abyss that it your mind. "Ms. Starr, is everything alright?" Ms.Venable asked seeming to actually care what was on your mind. She asked quietly so no one else would hear her caring about the state of another person. "Yes, I'm fine." you lied. You always had a habbit of letting your thoughts get the better of you, this was no exception. Instead of pushing the matter further, Ms.Venable just dropped the subject and continued to eat. After a few more bites you had continued your meal and decided to go to the library, a place of silence, a place you could be alone. You looked through the many shelves looking for another book to read, hoping to find something to distract you from Venable and from your past.
The library had yellow walls and hard wood floors. The many shelves of books made from ugly metal industrial shelving units filled the room. Clearly this place wasn't a common attraction for people. Slowley you walked with your hand held out, touching every book on the shelves looking for one to just sit and read. Some of the ones you saw and were about to read weren't in english which was very dissappointing. The first book you found was Dante's Inferno but it was the Italian version which didn't help you any because you can't read italian. This went on for half an hour before determining you needed something more to keep you busy. Standing still you scanned the room, taking in the surroundings. Everything was covered with dust, the books the floors, the desk in the corner. Then as your gaze shifted to take in more of the room you noticed some furniture, a couch against the back wall, an armchair in the back aisle of books, completely unnocticable unless you were in that aisle. Now you knew exactly what you needed to do inorder to stops the unwanted thoughts from plagueing you. The previous night you noticed a small closet that could possibly be filled with cleaning supplies or other materials that would help you clean this very dusty room. Your suspisions were correcty, there were many rags, cushions for the couch, spray bottles, and anything else you could possibly need. Normally it would be a grey's job to clean the room but it must have been forgotten about for some time, leaving the job up to you. The good news was because the room wasn't very big you don't have much work to do. Grabbing the first rag you saw and the spray bottle you went to work, dusting the shevles, the books, under the books, the desk and chairs. This task alone took you about an hour but it was very soothing, no screaming and no yelling, only silence. Of course you couldn't stop thoughts from seeping into your mind but you were able to quickly change that with the book you were moving. The next task was to sweep the floor. Previously you had dusted the shelves but some of the dust went to the floor making it way more filfthy than it was originally. The broom picked up the dust and anything else that had been tracked onto the floor but the wooden tiles were not shinning like they normally should. Not to much work was left for you to do, only mop the floor bring the blankets and cushions out of the closet, rearrange some of the furniture, and put some candles around the room because electricity was non-existing in the outpost. The mopping part only took about ten minutes, mainly because you decided to rush through it since what you really wanted to get to was the furniture. The pillows for the couch were a red colour and some of them had a rose pattern in lace covering them. They were very pretty in your mind, the perfect thing for the atmosphere.
    You were really deep into the zone, adding the finishing touches to the furntiure like fluffing the pillows and smoothing out the blanket that covers the couch, when you felt a tap on the shoulder. This quick moment of physical contact made you jump. Quickly you turned around to face the one responsible for starteling you. "Oh, Ms.Venable, sorry I just wasn't expecting anyone, I guess I got cuaght up in my own little world.". The woman stood before you, her hair in the same updo it was the previous day, and a dress with a more gothic appearance than the previous. "We all get caught up sometimes, I noticed you were still rather eagar to escape after breakfast, is everything okay?". She was very sincere, but you didn't want to burden her with your issues. "I'm fine, just as I told you earlier." you insisted knowing fully well everything was not alright, you were dying inside, lost and trapped. Even among the few that survived the apocalypse you felt out of place. It was like they were meant to be saved, their survival seemed essential, but you still didn't know why anyone would choose for you of every person in the world to be saved. "I know that's what you said earlier but I don't believe you. Something is bothering you.". The redhead really wanted to know what was going on inside your head, she actually cared but her tone was more demanding. She never really cared about others before so she did her best trying to be there for you. "Ms.Starr, you helped me last night and you were very persistant about helping, now I am going to do the same for you. There is always an option but I really do care about what you are going through and I want to help, just please let me." she restated. Her words made you aware that she wasn't actually going to give up.
     Before answering her question or making a response of any kind, you walked over to the couch filled with maroon pillows and sat down. The other woman followed your actions but it took her longer. She had to use her cane for support before setting it down gently when she no longer required its assistance. "Now, what is going on,". Her words came out barely above a whisper but loud enough for you to hear her. You took a deep breath. " I don't have a place here. Everyone else has a purpose, they were saved for a reason, I feel like a mistake was made when saving me. I have never fit in with a crowd no matter who was in that crowd, I can't do anything good here. My existance doesn't affect anyone here.". As much as you tried not to cry, the tears just fell and rolled down your cheeks. Venable's brown eyes stared into your blue ones. "I am so sorry Ms.Starr.". you stopped her before she could continue. "Ember, please call me Ember." you insisted. "Ember, you do have a place here. It may be a different purpose than everyone else but you do belong. Most of the purples payed their ways into the outpost, they are the snobs, you didn't pay your way through. Look around, you cleaned this entire library, you made a dusty room a cozy and relaxing place. That is more than anyone else here.". You wanted so bad to believe her but you just couldn't. You still thought you were a stupid waste of time, that you were worthless. "You are just saying that, you don't actually care.". She couldn't believe the acusations you spoke against her. In her mind that was the most rediculous thing anyone could have ever said. "Ember let me be clear. I don't give a shit about most people, I have never and will never pretend to care. That is not my job. When I say I care, I mean it." her words came out harsher than she meant for them to. Her sudden change in tone startled you. Anxiety flooded through you, the look in her eyes became apolegetic. " I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I just mean, if I didn't care I wouldn't be listening, I wouldn't have asked." her voice was soft and gentle as she reached a hand to your back in an attempt to soothe you. Her touch broke you. Tears started to fall more freely as you collapsed into her, your head resting into her shoulder. Everything you had was lost, anyone you could have possibly cared for was now dead and there was no way to ever get it back. She brought her other hand to your hair, playing with a few strands. After a few minutes of constant crying, the tears faded and your breath evened out. Suddenly you felt calmer and sat up. "I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me, I think I should go back to my room, I need to get ready for dinner.". In all honesty you had no clue what the time was, you just needed an excuse to leave, you were too embarasses to stay. No one ever calmed you down, no one ever saw you cry like that and all you could think was that she was going to tell everyone about what happened. You stood up and grabbed her cane so you could hand it to her. "Here Ms.Venable, I will see you later." you said refusing to make eye contact before leaving to go to your room.
    When you saw the time you realized that it was actually time to start getting ready for dinner meaning you had to put on the horribly uncomfortable evening gown that you were only going to be seen in for a half hour at the most. The first step was the corset, if it wasn't for this piece of clothing the gown might not be so bad. Tonights dress was only slightly different from the one you wore last night. Instead of having long sleeves it had short fuffy sleeves that rested off the shoulder. Just like the previous times you walked your way to the dinning hall, dreading meal time. The routine was set, get ready, go to the table, eat the jello cube, then go find a quiet place to relax. Every meal time the other purples were arguing over something that made no sense. Every day was the same but you started to avoid Ms.Venable because of your breakdown, seeing her and knowing that she witnessed you breaking down embarassed you beyond comprehension. You felt bad for avoiding her but you felt this was best. Actually that is the lie you told yourself. You wanted nothing more than to just sit and stay in her presence but you kept telling yourself that staying away from her was the best thing to do. This continued for a while, about a week to be exact, until she approached you after breakfast. Every day your feelings for her intensified, you had a huge crush on this woman and nothing was helping you forget it.