Daylight (Kaylor)

Easy (12.)

Taylors POV

The more Karlie tried to light up my mood the more it hurt me. She really cares about me, I see it in her eyes, in her actions and words. I know she cares and although it makes me feel warm inside I'd rather be hurting knowing she doesn't care. This way I will just bring her down.

I didn't sleep all night and I though she figured it out. I guess she didn't. I really wanted so hard to laugh at her goofiness, I just couldn't, my mind wasn't allowing me to. I hate myself for that, even with those small things I hurt her. I wanted to give in, I wanted to laugh with her, but I couldn't. I just could not. I can't let her in completely knowing for a fact that I will hurt her then she will leave and we will both be hurting. Or dead. Okay Taylor no time for your dry humor. It's not funny.

Usually when she wanted me to cheer up or tell her something I didn't want to, she'd tickle me. It's my weak spot that I always pray people don't catch on. Of course Karlie did.

When she touched me it sent shivers down my spine. Even when she almost suffocated me with her body I didn't mind. I loved the feeling of her skin on mine although I shouldn't. She started tickling me to get my usual response to that kind of action but it just made me sadder. I can't. I can't and she's making everything so much harder. I tried not to cry. I really did. The sweet torture continued until I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. She heard the tears in my voice pleading her to stop and she did.

Poor Karlie thought she hurt me....and she is so selfless so precious that even after my constant pushing she wouldn't let go. She really didn't want to let me go.

After she layed beside me I could feel her sadness. Her whole body was radiating sadness and devastation. I wanted to scream out I loved her, turn towards her and give in. My heart was aching to do so but my mind was trying to be rational and wouldn't let me. The problem is my mind is so fucked up I don't really know what is rational and what is not. What is real and what isn't. What should I do and what I should not. I mean I wasn't gonna go around strangling puppies but I couldn't rationalize my feelings and decide what action to take. In that sense I didn't know.

After a couple of moments I felt Karlies hand drawing patterns around my back. I wanted to cry, my whole body was aching but I didn't want to hurt her no more. I just stayed silent and still, letting quiet tears flow down my cheeks and demons going for battles in my head.

Unrecognizable patterns soon became words and I guess that was only because she thought I was asleep. At first I didn't catch on the words she was tracing across my back. I didn't have the strength to even try. When I let myself focus on the letters she was slowly writing the voices in my mind grew silent. Still there but not too loud. I decided to focus on Karlies writing and her soft touch, like she would break me if she pushed down a bit harder.

'Home' was the first word I recognized. What does home mean? Do I have a home? Not the house,apartment nor any kind of building but real home. I felt at home here. I felt at home at Karlies house. When she would come to my house it felt like home for a while. Sitting under our tree at the park kinda felt like home too. My heart skipped a beat when my mind finally realized....Karlie was my home.

I got lost in my mind race and wasn't paying attention to the words anymore.
She stopped writing for a second and I prayed to whatever force there is that she's finally asleep so I could let myself fall apart. Then I felt a kiss planted lightly on my shoulder...a second later one more in my hair. It felt like heaven. Stop Taylor stoooop doing this to her and to yourself.
I had no control over my emotions, my thoughts, even less over my actions. I stayed still, pretending to be asleep. This is one long Christmas night.

Again she started drawing hearts over my back. Just messy hearts everywhere, all over my back. I swear she was leaving visible traces on my skin considering how my body reacted to her touch. She didn't know that though.

'Taybear' was the next word I recognized. The sweet nickname she gave me. The one reserved only for her lips. No one else called me that but my Karlie. My Karlie!?
Again. Stop Taylor ,stop it.

'Giraffe' was the following word. It gave me so many flashbacks. The first time I saw her I thought wow she must be related to giraffes cause who the fuck is that tall and cute at the same time. She was born in St. Louis so we came up with 'six foot two giraffe from the Lou' thing one day at my room. I needed rhymes for my new song and that one was born out of nowhere. We laughed about it for so long afterwards agreeing how genius it was. She was my giraffe. I have my stuffed giraffe toy I named Klossy but never told her. That would be weird I guess. Well to me it all makes sense now...but to her it may never.

After I came back from my train of thoughts I noticed she started to form sentences. I wonder how is she still awake. She's the sleepy one. She's staying awake because of me? She is.

I didn't catch the first words of the sentence but what I did catch was 'forever and ever' and it brought me back to that time we went on a hike...I'm not the sporty type, my motoric skills sucked. In any sport I was forced to play I'd look like a drunk penguin. Literally. I was so bad. I almost laughed at the thought of something else my mind wondered to. During PE I was forced to play volleyball and there was one of the tweevils in front of me. I didn't mean any harm not even to them I swear. But my skills were on top that day and I slammed the ball hoping it would go over the net and win us a point. But instead I hit that short evil dwarf straight in her dull head. Karlie started laughing so hard she got detention. I tried to hold my laugh back but I couldn't after I saw Karlie laughing her ass off so I got detention too. We laughed together through detention too. It was a memorable moment.

Hike...I was thinking about the hike we went to. She was sooo excited to go and I was excited cause she was. I almost died. She was jumping with those long legs like a gazelle up the hill through the woods while I was almost on the ground climbing on all fours. She was getting sicker and sicker at that point and a hike was not a good idea for her. She was loosing weight so quickly and I couldn't resist her puppy eyes. There was my mistake. She would probably hate me but she'd be healthy. Stop. Wait. Maybe she wouldn't have. Maybe she would continue destroying herself with or without me. I would probably be even worse if she left me.

Why didn't my mind see things like this earlier??

Anyway, when we got on top of the hill I fell on the grass dramatically and she started stretching.
"Why do I agree to things like this?" I asked her all out of breath. "Because you're Taylor and I'm Karlie" she answered like it was the most obvious thing in the whole world. I just smiled. It was true, I didn't need another reason.

After her stretching routine she gracefully slumped down next to me. I remember the feeling of freedom, like we were untouchable. "Karlie?" I turned towards her and continued "will we stay like this forever?" I meant <you won't leave,right?> and she understood. She looked at me with the most honest expression and said "Forever and ever". No more words were needed. She was my sunshine and I was her princess. Buddies for life.

I got so lost in my thoughts I almost forgot where we were and why we were here. I almost forgot how much I hurt my Karlie. How much she cared that she stayed awake all night. I forgot everything for a second. It all seemed so easy and then it disappeared. I opened one eye and saw the snow covered Christmas morning light starting to shine.

Once again it felt easy.

I closed my eyes to see if I can hold on to that freeing feeling.

'Karlie ♡ Taylor' I felt written on my skin and my eyes opened wide with a new sparkle of hope in them. I knew it meant more. I just knew. I think my Christmas wish came true.