Daylight (Kaylor)

Butterflies (9.)

Three days before Christmas eve

Karlie was transferred to psych ward couple of days ago. And I finally got the privilege to wander around the hallways. It's funny how when you have nothing, a small thing like being able to walk out of the room makes you happy. Like you achieved something.

My mom was here yesterday. She apologized for not coming sooner. I accepted the apology but still it hurts. She said I hurt her too much and she needed distance. I don't get it. I was in pain. I am in pain. I'm here and it's too much for her?? I can put myself in her perspective but I still can't understand. Maybe its better that way. If her brain worked like mine she'd probably be dead by now.

Karlie and I are inseparable. We even make jokes about us not being able to be at the hospital without each other. Some dark jokes are made too...but a mere second later we realize that darkness is our reality.

At least we're not in school anymore. We have a year and a half left but we will be homeschooled. Kars mom offered to "homeschool" us. It's still so unreal...
Everything is unreal...the good, the bad...everything is like an imaginary scenario someone spat us in.

"Tay, we can go for a walk around the park with the nurse, come on" Karlie jumped in my room all ecstatic. I jumped up too. It truly made me happy. Neither of us was able to go out and breathe fresh air in almost two weeks. I caught Karlies hand and ran down the hallway with her, giggling like little children. I like it here. I think I really do. I don't know if its because Karlie is here with me or because I have no worries and I'm high on meds.

Karlie was feeling and looking better. She still had some heart monitors on her all the time but overall she was better. I was so happy for her.

As we stepped outside the wave of fresh air hit us. The walk to the park was calm. Karlie and I talked about everything and nothing. We got to the park and sat down on the wooden benches. Seeing people look at us weirdly gave me anxiety. "I wanna go back" I whispered to Karlie and she squeezed my hand three times to calm me down. "Just focus on the nature, the sound of birds,the smell of freshly cut grass and feel the wind. You can even close your eyes, I'll be right here." I did as she told me and it helped. Suddenly we were alone in the park, just green leaves surrounding us. So peaceful. So quiet.

The other patients were chatting with the nurse but Karlie and I were in our own world. "Tay?" She whispered and I looked up at her. "Now is the perfect time to ask nurse Irene if we can be roomies" Karlie added.

She was right. It was the perfect time. We gave her our best sad puppy eyes and told her we would feel much better if we could share a room. She looked at us with a warm smile and said " on my behalf I say yes, but I still need to talk to the ward attending". We hugged her at the same time and said thanks.

By the end of the day I moved into Karlies room. Hospital stay might be amazing after all. Not that I'm glamorizing it but we need help and finally we're getting it. Maybe its the antidepressants talking but I'm pretty happy here. Well happier than I was before I tried to...um...go away from this world. I don't like saying it, I feel like I haven't admitted to myself what I have done yet. It takes time thay say. Everything takes time. I hope we have time.

I was happy I'd be spending holidays here. I said that to my psychiatrist on a session and I she looked at me like I was so broken. She always puts my mood down, she's always right tho, I just don't like hearing my reality. I hate holidays at home. Ever since dad left they're so much stress and pressure. Jolly and happy times disappeared for me and looking at my mom trying to act like nothing was different made my heart ache. Seeing other happy families made me envious but in the end just empty and depressed. Overall I think me being here for holidays would be the best.

After our night therapy we all went to our rooms. Tv was turned off in the "living room" and the whole ward went dark and silent. As I laid in bed it started to feel like home. Strange feeling. I had my stuffed cat and lioness with me and I hugged them close. My mom brought them along with some clothes for me when she came by. I still can't have my guitar because apparently I can hurt myself with the strings. They don't understand how much I love my guitar I would never break the strings and cut myself with them. That scenario felt so wrong. I understand I guess...I came here half dead with my wrists slit open. Maybe they'll let me have my guitar when I'm "more stable". Which I don't know if I'll ever be.

Again my thoughts were interrupted by my buddy who I almost forgot was in the room with me. "Can I come to your bed?? I can't sleep." She whispered in the dark. I moved on the side of a small bed and lightly tapped the spot next to me. She gracefully slid under the blanket and looked at me with those big green eyes. "Why would you even ask, you know I love to have you close" I said.

"I know...it's just weird...being here, I don't know if we're still the same. I don't want anything to change between us. I'll be better I promise, I'll try, just please don't hurt yourself anymore. I feel so guilty you almost died because of me." I could hear she was almost crying while mumbling those words.

"We will always be the same, you and me, I mean...buddies forever you know?? Now that you've told me that I need to tell you something" I continued.
"I felt guilty for what happened with you...I thought maybe if I said something, told someone how unwell you were, maybe you wouldn't have passed out and maybe you'd be fine. It was all my fault." I started crying and she stopped me. "It's not your fault don't say that"

"But if I wasn't so selfish and scared you'd leave you would be better. I was trying to distance myself from you. I'm just pulling you down with me and I'm so sorry." She stayed quiet so I went on. "I can't tho...I can't distance myself from you, I can't let you go and I'm sorry but you're my family, you're all I have. The only one who understands." I started crying and she just hugged me and kissed my cheek. I could see tears in her eyes in the dark.

"Even if you wanted to, I would never let you go" she quietly said and held me close while I sobbed. Pain of all those past years started coming out and I just let myself fall apart in her arms.

I don't know when I fell asleep...even though my eyes hurt from crying a smile is on my face. How could it not be when the first thing I see is my sunshine sleeping peacefully cuddled in my arms. I admired her features for a while and as if she could feel my eyes on her she slowly started waking up. Our eyes met and smiles matched. At that moment I remembered something from last night. Karlie thought I was asleep but I swear I remember her kissing my forehead in the middle of the night and whispering with a serious voice "you're my best friend".

Our happy morning bubble was soon bursted when the door swung open and the technician came in. "It's time to wa..." he started and then realized we were sharing a bed. Still we couldn't stop smiling. "Girls this is a hospital! You can't share a bed! That's not sterile and it's against the rules!"
I started laughing at the way he said sterile and Karlie followed with soft giggles.
"This is not funny, stop messing around and get ready for morning workout" he said while leaving the room.

We couldn't contain ourselves anymore. We were laughing so hard my stomach started to hurt. It's funny how something like this can be beautiful when we're together. I wish to wake up like this every day. And maybe...only maybe my wish will come true. Is that even okay to wish?? But how could I not when her giggles gave me butterflies I didn't know existed.