Daylight (Kaylor)

6.

It was the day before my birthday. My whole world fell apart. It was only a matter of time. I knew that...but hoped otherwise.

I woke up in the morning feeling something was wrong. As I ran into the kitchen I saw my mom with a worried expression on her face. Fear on her face I figured was somehow connected to me. My brain started going crazy in a matter of seconds.

"Mom, what happened?!" Silence. She just looked at me and searched for words but seemingly couldn't find the right ones.

"Mom, tell me what happened, are you okay??" I got seriously worried now.

"I'm fine darling but..." she finally started talking.

"But what??" I pushed her to continue.

And then at once my world fell apart. "Its Karlie honey, she got sick last night, they say its her heart..." My head started spinning. The whole room was blurry and like the air was gone.

"Is she alright, where is she" I asked my mom as fast as I could speak. I couldn't stand anymore, my legs were giving up on me and the voices in my head were screaming. Screaming bad scenarios. Is she alive?? What do they mean her heart?? My Karlie?? Why?? Why why why!!

"She's at the hospital, still unconscious and there might be a permanent damage to her heart. Did you know how bad her state was honey?? They are surprised shes even alive." I couldn't believe the words my mother was saying. Everything was blurry. It was all my fault. I knew how bas she was. I didn't tell anyone because she wouldn't have wanted that, and she never told anyone about my problems. It was all my fault. I should've said something earlier, get her help she deserved even though that would probably mean loosing her. But at least she'd be healthier and not laying there alone and unconscious. I was so selfish.

"Mom I need to go see her" I told my mom as soon as I gathered the strength.

"You can't see her honey, she's in intense care unit, only family allowed. Besides she's not awake" I can't see her?? I can't see my buddy?? And it was all my fault.

I felt my legs completely give up and I fell to the floor. Screaming, crying, kicking and repeating "it's all my fault"...until everything went black.

I woke up in my room. It was dark. Confusion hit me first. Then everything came flooding back in my mind. Karlie is sick. It's my fault. What if she's dead by now?? The voices in my mind were arguing.

She's not dead.
She's gonna be okay.

I kept repeating those words to myself while crying. The voices were stronger.

~Its your fault, she's dead, we know~
~you told her you'd die with her so go ahead, she's already dead~

They just kept getting louder and louder I couldn't handle it anymore.

I wobbled to the bathroom and grabbed my razor. I needed to break it to get to the blades. Cutting my fingers while breaking the razor felt like nothing. Like I was a ghost. I couldn't feel a thing although the floor was getting stained with my blood.

I finally managed to dismantle it.

~go ahead Tay, you deserve it~

The voices continued.

"It's my fault, I was broken and I didn't help her, I liked the feeling of having someone like me. I should've helped her earlier. She would be okay now." I was whispering through the tears.

"I should've done this a long time ago" I said and took the blade in my already bleeding hand. I made a few horizontal cuts along my wrists.

Cuts were deep, but I felt nothing.
The puddle of blood fas forming but I felt nothing.
All I could think of was ending me.
I need to end me.
I am just a burden and I ruin peoples lives.

Couple of more deep horizontal cuts. I felt slightly dizzy. Then with the last of my strength I forced the blade as deep as I could and cut vertically.

Slowly everything went black and the blade dropped from my hand. The clutter of metal hitting the floor then silence.

Long silence.
Deep darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey dear diary, its Taylor. I was so confused I thought I was asleep for longer. But I wasn't. Today is my birthday. Well it's almost over. Karlie woke up last night and heard the news about me. I don't know how or what happened but I'm still here. She is too. The visitor was Karlie. I didn't get too see her tho. She is at the same hospital as I am but on a different ward. So close yet so far apart. I guess my birthday present was us staying together here. On this awful world.

I wanna write something down I had in mind a while ago. A song for Karlie.

♡tied together with a smile♡

《Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true 'cause I know you

Hold on, baby; you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go, and no one knows
That you cry; but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
'Cause you're givin' it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will save you like it should've
But this world is the one to blame.

Hold on, baby; you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go, and no one knows
That you cry; but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone, oh
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby》

Love, Taylor