Dear Love,

1: Boy Wonder

Boy Wonder was my first real crush. We met I met in 6th grade. He was cool, cute, and his voice was like an angel singing the blues(if that's possible for a 6th grader). Sadly, he didn't like me. Allegedly. From 6th grade until 10th grade I thought he was the one. I was "in love" with him.

To this day, he claims that I used to stalk him but I disagree. Well actually, I do agree but I'll never give him the satisfaction. I did do some stalkerish things. In our 7th-grade art class, I snuck into his art locker and put a teddy bear in it. In my defense, it was Valentine's Day and I thought it would convince him to be my boyfriend. But that didn't work. And honestly, everything went downhill from there.

At the end of our 7th-grade year, he got a girlfriend. Realistically, this was not the end of the world or even a catastrophic event but I bawled my eyes out for hours. And somehow he found out that I cried and confronted me about it. I lied and said I didn't but lord knows I sobbed.

Shortly after that miniature heartbreak, he confided in me that he had a crush on my friend "Dance". Me being me, a people pleaser, I helped him get with her. Why wouldn't I? He didn't like me and maybe being his friend would eventually lead to something else. But it didn't. He fell for her harder and harder each day. We grew closer because he wanted to make her happy and that was by knowing all her favorite things. Which meant using me. But I was fine with him using me because it was 8th grade and I thought I was in love.

They broke up. Shocker right? Is it bad to say that I was relieved? Because I was. I was over the moon because "Boy Wonder" was free to fall in love with me again. Well, I was hoping for him too.

After the breakup, "Dance" confided in me that she broke up with him because he liked her too much. I was livid. I thought he was the Sun and that every girl should be revolving around him. I believed that he deserved a girl that loved him as much as I loved him.

Let's keeping moving, shall we? "Boy Wonder" and I are now in the 10th grade. We aren't the best of friends but we talk occasionally. I made sure to speak to him whenever I see him and I make sure to look nice on the days that I had a class with him.

Also in our same grade was "Boy Wonder"'s cousin, "Dreads". "Dreads" and my best friend "Bestie" were in their talking stage. They had planned to hang out at my house. Since "Boy Wonder"'s cousin was coming over, he came too.

The night before he was set to come over, "Boy Wonder" and I video called for a few hours. It started off friendly enough and eventually, things took a turn. The subject matter turned rated R and soon enough his motives for coming over were clear. Now he wasn't just to keep "Dreads' company. He was coming for me.

I couldn't sleep that night. He had fallen asleep on the phone and after about 10 minutes I hung up. I googled things about sex and watched porn because this was the opportunity of a lifetime. Call me Eminem because I knew I only had one shot.

Around 5 AM, I finally passed out. When I woke up 5 hours later, I felt a wave of anxiety. Truthfully, I was more excited than scared. I hopped in the shower around noon because I knew they'd be arriving soon and I wanted to wash away my anxiety. Even though I had shaved 2 days prior, I shaved again because I wanted to be perfect for him. While I was showering, I heard the alarm sound off saying "front door open". My heart dropped to my ass and I heard my best friend yell that they were here.

After taking a deep breath, I step out of the shower. I took my time lotioning my entire body and put on the outfit I had picked out the night before. This "outfit" consisted of a matching underwear set, purple booty shorts, and a white tank top. The outfit was so skimpy that I may as well had been naked but that was the point right? For him to want me.

Once I felt mentally prepared, I entered my room to find him looking at all the trinkets on my bookshelf. He turned around and I watched as he looked me up and down. The butterflies in my stomach turned to nerves and I was wishing that I had on a giant blanket to cover myself with. We spent a few minutes making small talk and eventually he got straight to the point. He asked if I was ready and I said yes. And then it started.

I am going to spare myself and you by not giving all the gory details. Just know that it didn't last long. I think it was 15 - 20 minutes but it's all a blur. I remember what happened clearly but time gets lost in the cracks.

When it was over I ran into my bathroom and got directly in the shower. I had lost my virginity. And I was in pain. Also, I was sad and really, really confused. I knew for a fact that he didn't like me. A small part of my brain thought that since he had just taken my virginity he had to feel something. Now I realize that I was right. He did feel something for me but it was not love, it was lust.

That night I cried. I don't know why but I did. I cried silently with my best friend right next to me. I felt like used goods and I felt lied to. This was not like the movies. I didn't feel like a new woman. If anything, I felt less than. Not good enough. I felt as if the one thing that I had control over was gone. I gave my virginity to a boy that did not love nor value me. And it changed me. TRIGGER WARNING

Three days after I lost my virginity, I tried to kill myself. I promise that it was not because of 'Boy Wonder". I had been dealing with undiagnosed and untreated depression since 6th grade. And I had reached a boiling point. Losing my virginity was just the icing on top of this sad and crumbling cake.

I swallowed 120 aspirins. I can say that I honestly and wholeheartedly wanted to die. I spent 3 days in the hospital and 7 in a teen mental ward. After that, I started therapy and here I am today. An awkward, introverted yet sexually liberated teenager.

As for me and "Boy Wonder"? Our story continues. Him and I have a pretty good friendship. We had sex 3 times, and honestly we may again in the future. I'm not a psychic, so I have no clue what the future hold for us. He will always have a special place in my heart.

Note to Boy Wonder:

You are truly a good person. You make me laugh and you've definitely made me cry. For 4 and ½ years, I was in love with you. I thought you were the sun that I should revolve around and I definitely thought that you would be the man that I marry. Crazy how things have changed. As I said, you will always have a place in my heart.I appreciate and value our relationsjip. Honestly? I wouldn't want it any other way.