Dear Love,

5: Po-Po

I got off of winter break and gladly went back to school. My first weekend back, I went to a party with a few friends from home. We went to this guy "Po-Po'"'s apartment and got drunk. I met his roommates too. That night I asked "Po-Po" to fuck but luckily he was too drunk and he said no. I also asked two other guys if they wanted to fuck. And this was after I gave them all lap dances. I gave him my Snapchat as I was leaving and told him he better text me. That night I went home and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. For the rest of that week, I waited anxiously for him to text me.

He did... a week later. He said hey and he apologized for not texting me sooner. Eventually, we started texting all day every day. He was the first person I talked too when I woke up and the last person I talked to before I went to sleep. He was always on my mind. I didn't see him again for 2 weeks. The night of my school's homecoming dance he made a comment about going I said he should. I had no idea if he was really gonna show up. But he did. When he walked through that door, my heart dropped to my asshole. I looked good but he looked even better, even though his outfit was so simple. At the end of the night, he invited me back to his place and I obviously said yeah. I went back to my apartment, changed, and then walked over to his. I don't really remember the night from what I do remember, it was fun. 

The next night, I came over again but I brought my roommate because one of his guy friends liked her. It was another fun night. We all drank and went to Meijer. We all walked around drunk as fuck and he picked out a bag of avocados for me because I couldn't choose. We went back to his place and decorated cookies. I drunkenly tried to make his first initial out of sprinkles and it looked horrible. As soon as I handed him the cookie, he licked it and ruined the letter. I wasn't even upset in the slightest. For some reason it made my heart soar. Another week passed and we hung out again. He came over with his friends and we had a movie night. We watched a semi-scary movie which was hilarious because we talked about movies the night before and he told me how he didn't like scary movies. Then he came over again the next night and we burned some love notes that my ex-girlfriend gave me. (Sidenote: He and my ex-girlfriend were roommates at one point and they messed around for a while.) It was therapeutic and I was so happy that I did it with him. That same night, we laid in bed talking and watching Tik Tok'. I read his tarot cards and they came back shockingly accurate. When he left, I cried because I missed him. I think it was because I was on my period but who knows. After that, I started to cry every time he left because I would miss him. a few days later he came over and we drank together and I told him that, so he started to call me every time he left so I wouldn't be sad.

 After that, we started to hang out constantly. I mean like at least twice a week, sometimes every day. I started to let him in. I started to fall for him. Then tragedy struck. It was his birthday. The day started out amazing. My roommate and I made him breakfast and then we surprised him with a cake. It was a simple cake but it made him cry. and then I gave him the rest of his presents from me. After that, we sat around for hours until it was time to go to his place. Everything was great until I got a text from him. all it said was ""Bleu" is coming". "Bleu" is the aforementioned ex-girlfriend. We aren't on the best of terms so to know that she was coming wasn't the best news. But it was his birthdays. Fast forward a few hours and shes there. The party going on and it's great. Then "Bleu" asked if we could talk. I stupidly said yes and we went into a room. The conversation started off calmy but then we started screaming at each other and all I remember saying is "stop telling me you love me. Just let me move on and be happy". I left the room crying and after I calmed down, I went and laid down in "Po-Po"''s bed. After that things got weird. I apologized to him for that happening at his party and he said it was fine. Then later he told me that his roommate told him some things that I said during the argument because she was in there. Apparently, I told my ex to leave "Po-Po" alone and that I wanted him all to myself. That doesn't even sound like me so I highly doubt that I said that. But he didn't know if it was true or not and that why he came to me. He told me that he didn't like me like that and that he wasn't looking for a relationship. It hurt my heart but I knew that he didn't like me. I guess hearing it just solidified that for me. 

Weeks later we were still hanging out consistently. Every other day or so we were together. I tried making my feelings go away but they won't. He's such a good person and being around him is amazing. I love being his friend.  My mom forced me to move back to my hometown because she thinks if I'm home I can't catch the coronavirus. The day I left was heartbreaking. He came over and spent hours with me. I teared up a few times but I didn't really cry. He gave me one last hug and as soon as he went to step out the door I broke down. I felt my heart break. He turned back around gave me another hug which made me cry even harder. And then he left but not before screaming I love you to me at the top of his lungs. My roommate hugged me as I cried and helped me take my stuff to the car. So yeah. That been my life for the last few months. Crazy, confusing, and heartbreaking but I wouldn't want it any other way.

(This is a real note I wrote to him my last day with him)

Note to Po-Po: 

"I lied to you lmao. You do have a letter. But if you would've read this while I was with you we both would've been sobbing. So here it goes. Dear "Po-Po", who would've thought. We met literally two months ago but we're so close. You know so much about me and I trust you. Leaving like this is so heartbreaking and it happened so fast. I'm so grateful that I even got to experience being around you. You came into my life when I was having a rough time and you didn't even know it. I can't thank you enough. Your friendship means the world to me and now I can't imagine my life without you in it. I love you doodoo head. see you soon."