Dear Love,

4: Goosebumps

I met "Goosebumps" on October 24th, 2015. The new Goosebumps movie had just come out. All of my friends and I decided to go to the mall and movies for my birthday, which was on the 22nd.

I didn't know him. His brother, "Pookie", was my best friend."Pookie" and "Bestie were dating and they didn't want me to the third wheel on my birthday so they brought him along. I was so incredibly nervous. Talking to boys and hanging out with boys was something I was shy about.

When "Bestie and I walked into the mall, "Pookie" spotted us and went to grab his brother. Being shy, like I said before, I ran and hid behind a mannequin. Looking back on that day, I don't know what I expected to happen. Did I think I would just disappear? I heard "Goosebumps" laugh and then he pulled me out from behind the mannequin. He yanked my arm so hard that I fell right into his chest. When I looked up at him he smiled. I want you to understand that I literally had to look up at him. He was 6 '3 and I was 5'2. He had over a foot of height on me.

We all stood around for a while until we decided to go and find the rest of our friends. I went to walk away from him but he yanked me by my hoodie and pulled me into him. He put his arm around me and we walked like that, comfortably. It felt like I had known him forever.

We walked and talked and it felt so nice. I was falling for him and I had only known him for 3 hours at this point. We ended up going into Abercrombie and Fitch. I dragged him around the store looking at different things and asked his opinion on every item of clothing that I touched.

While we were talking about something, our voices slowly faded and we were left silently staring into each other's eyes. He grabbed my face and started to lean in for a kiss. I know it must've been uncomfortable because he had to crane his neck down to reach my lips. But it felt magical. I had only ever kissed someone like this once and I had no feelings for him.

He kissed my forehead and then rested his head on mine. I was in heaven. We ended up in one of the dressing rooms making out. I was still a virgin at this point and I wasn't willing to really do anything but make out and he was understanding. But even just kissing felt so intimate and so vulnerable. It was like I could feel his love/lust for me with every press of our lips.

We left the dressing room without being seen and met up with "Bestie" and 'Pookie". They knew something had happened and "Bestie" winked at me. Me and "Goosebumps" kissed in almost every store in the mall that day.

When it was almost time for our movie to start, we started to walk to the movie theater. There was a Jamba Juice on our way there so we decided to stop there. When we got inside me and "Goosebumps" stood together debating what to get. I handed him a ten and told him to surprise me. He got us both smoothies and I don't remember what flavor it was but I know I would've liked anything he picked for me.

We went back to walking towards the theater but suddenly he yanked me to the opposite side of him. I was so confused and when I asked why he said "Because I don't want you walking near the street. It's not safe" What he did and said was so simple and basic but it meant a lot to me because no one had ever said that to me before. No one had cared enough to do something as simple as that before. And the fact that he did meant the world to me. I stood on my tiptoes to try and give him a kiss on the cheek but I couldn't reach. He lowered his head so I could do it and then we kept walking.

When we got to the movies, we all started to buy our tickets. His brother was supposed to pay for both of them but he didn't have enough. I paid for me and "Goosebumps" tickets to go see the movie. He hated that I was paying for him but I didn't mind.

Our whole entire friend group took the last row of the theater. He and I sat right next to each other at the end of the row, with me closest to the wall. He put his arm around me and I leaned into him. It was insane to me how close we had gotten in just a few hours.

At some point in the movie, his hand found its way into my shirt. He ran his fingers along my collarbone and then he put his hand in my bra. But this book is PG so we're gonna skip the rest of this. Just know that we didn't go much farther than this.

The movie ended but we waited until everyone else walked out of the theater. When we finally did leave all of our friends were standing around. I turned my phone back on and within a few minutes, my mom texted me and said that she was on the way.

Once she pulled up, he asked for my number. Then he pulled me in for a hug and kissed my forehead. As soon as I got home, I texted him to let him know that I made it home safe. When he responded, we started getting to know each other more. We talked about favorite colors, favorites songs, and anything else that came to mind. We talked until 4 in the morning and then every day after that for about a week. I thought I finally had a chance at real happiness.

Sike. He had a girlfriend. My male best friend, "goosebump"'s brother, told me that he had a girlfriend that no one knew about. When I confronted him, he just told me he thought he'd never see me again and that it didn't mean that much. I was heartbroken. I looked like death, i cried, and I wore hoodies and sweatpants for a week straight. I learned nothing in that week and all of my friends had no clue what to do.

He became the subject of a horrible diss track that will never see the light of day. He was also the first person I called anytime I was drunk. Well, he and a select few exes. It took me forever to get over it. He had told me he had no feelings for me. And then he told me that he did have feelings he just thought he'd never see me again. It messed me up in the head. But I grew up. 18 years old me wasn't the same as 14 years old me. 14 years old me kissed a boy and fell madly in love, 18 year old me kisses boys and feels nothing. 18 year old me has grown cold. But I blame no one. I blame myself but I also blame the way that I grew up. I grew up thinking that the only way I could feel validated was if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend telling me that I was amazing.

As for the letter to "Goosebumps"? He doesn't get one. I don't have any feelings good nor bad towards him. He's a small blip in my life that will eventually fade out of my memory.