Until I See You Again ... (A CanEm Story)

Çiçekler

It was just by chance that I found out her new email address. I had tried to contact her but my messages were left unanswered. It hardly surprised me. Once again, I had turned my back on her and walked away. I had promised her so many times that she could come talk to me. I told her she could tell me anything. I would support her no matter what. And every time she asked me to listen to her, I would let her down. I would let my childhood trauma take over me and let my fears of abandon rule my life.

I stayed in London just for a few days. I had to convince Polen that she could not expect anything from me, from us anymore. After a particularly heated conversation, a few plates thrown at me and a lot of tears, I was on my way to the Balkans as planned.

Roughly a month after my departure, Emre had transferred me a mail from Leyla concerning a campaign I had supervised. Sanem's new address was attached to it. I saw her name and it was all it took to let myself breathe again. I felt connected to her in some way. Again. Finally.

I realized then how wrong I had been. Better late than never some would say ... but it had cost me the love of my life. Ah Can ah! When will you learn?

I had foolishly hoped that I would forget her, little by little ... As if a change of scenery, a change of country would make a difference!

What an utter idiot! I didn't need her physical presence to feel in love with her. I couldn't erase her that easily, foolish man that I was! She had gotten into my system and under my skin. She was flowing through my veins. Getting rid of my love for her would be tantamount to severing one of my arms!

To my utmost despair, my beautiful surroundings enhanced even further more that sentiment of loss. Everything around me conspired to conjure her up in my memory. Whether it be a simple rock or the fragrant perfume of a mountain flower.

I surprised myself thinking of her all the time, no matter the hour of day or night. I couldn't sleep. I was seeing her everywhere. I felt like a man who got lost in the desert of his own life, deprived of any access to water. I often resisted the temptation to run to these mirages of Sanem, dancing in the luxuriant meadows of Eastern Europe. She looked so beautiful, so full of life... How could someone hurt a person that pure and innocent? Well I could and I did. More than once. I despised myself.

I never deserved her. She was the miracle that rushed into my life. She was the chance I was offered to heal some of my wounds. And what did I do? I refused to believe. I refused to open up.

Her words still echoed in my chest, the truth in them relentlessly striking at my heart.

"I have a couple of things to say.

I made a lot of mistakes. I made countless mistakes not to lose you.

But then I have tried. No matter what it was, I have tried for you.

Even though I knew how hard it could be, I tried. At least I tried.

But you ... You gave up Can!

You're running away, Can!

From everything! From problems, your mother, me ... you're running from everything!

You're so angry with your mother, but you act exactly like her!

I cannot stop you when you want to run away this much! I will not.

Since you made your decision ...

Hoşçakal!"

Like mother like son, hey?!