Slowly I open my eyes.
The chair next to my bed is empty. Slowly I move first my toes. Then my fingers and finally I sit up. I look around in the room. The other bed in the room is empty.
Slowly I stand up.
I grab something newt to me, but there is nothing. I lose balance and find myself on the ground. I hold on the bed and slowly stand up. Okay... I standing... What do I do now? I take small steps in direction of the door. I open it and step out on the corridor. There are many people in white clothes who run around. Suddenly a man with a coffee in his hand stands in front of me.
"oh! Sara you're awake!" he says.
Uhm... Yes...?! Otherwise I wouldn't stand here! What was his name again? Jonas? No... J- it started with J- uhm..........
James? Yes I think that's it...!
I try to smile to show him I heard him.
"how Do you feel?" he asks me.
I shrug my shoulders (?) and the then nod to signify that I think that I'm alright.
"are you looking for something?"
I shake my head.
I think I just had to do something. To move a bit.
"come back in the room and lay down. I'm gonna look for Mr. Johnson!" he smiles at me and take my hand and softly guide my back in the room. DAMN! I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL! I DON'T NEED TO BE TAKEN BY MY FUCKING HAND! But... He has warm hands! I sit down on my bed and James, I'm still not sure if it is his name, leaves the room.
Why didn't I die? I hate this world! You can't leave me alone because I think to much! I don't want to live anymore! There's a glass on the desk next to the bed. I take it and drop it on the floor. Quick, before someone gets in, I take the sharpest shard and hide it under my pillow. Right in time! James and a doctor (maybe Mr. Johnson?) come in.
"I- I- I'm s- sorry! I- it f- f- fell out o- of m- my h- h- hand." a tear is rolling down my face.
"hey... It's okay. Shit happens." James says and Mr Johnson calls a nurse to clean up the shards.
"so... How do you feel?" Mr Johnson asks me.
"I d- don't know. I feel as if an elephant walked over my chest. No... Not one elephant. A horde (?) of elephants. It hurts when I'm breathing."
"thaths the shock. You fell almost 30 meters down. Your rips have to heal. Just like you..."
Heh. 'just like you' I'm not sick damn it! I- I- I just don't wanna live anymore.
Sometimes, I whish I could meet Andy. He's my idol! He's perfect! He's my everything! But he's famous! He never gonna know me.
" where's my phone?" I ask." I want my phone!"
"Its in my office" Mr Johnson says. "I toom it and looked it up, so Noone can steal it." he smiles at me.
I try to smile back but I think it looks terrible! "can I have it now?"
"of course." he says "I'm... Uhm... Just gonna... Get it..."
He leaves the room and I'm alone with James. He walks around my bed and sit down on the chair next to the window.
"I know... No I guess... Yohb don't like talking about it, but... I want to ask yoh some questions. Is it... Is it okay for you?" he asks me.
"hm... OK..." I reply.
"why?"
I look at him.
"I told you on the bridge!"
"you remember?"
"of course I didn't loose my mind!"
"b- but why did you say that you don't remember this night?"
"I just- uhm... I just wanted to be sure. There are some details missing in my memory but... Only how I got on the bridge. The rest I remember."
He looks at me. There's something in his eyes I can't tell. It's a mix of sadness and... And... Pain.
Yes. I remember everything. I remember the other kids in the orphenage. I remember them laughing at me. I remember them beating me up. And I remember myself. Alone in my room. I had a room for me all alone because nobody wanted to be with me alone in a room. I remember. Me sitting alone in the bath (that I had for me alone too) with a razor blade. Cutting. Cuts everywhere. Cuts on my wrists. Cuts on my chest. Cuts on my legs.
There is just one person who knows about it. Emma. She's my only friend. But we never met. We met on Instagram. She lives in Michigan. I'm living in Germany. Sure I have friends on Instagram.
But when I talk to Emma it feels like a real friend.
I trust her.
And I love Emma.
