Tevun-Krus #80 - WattPunk 2.0

Part Nine

22

"Whatcha think? Pretty gay, right?"

"Gay?" Rick asked, not understanding.

"Gay means stupid, genus. I should call you Adolf Weinstein, lulz. Duh," Lord WattPad muttered, rolling his mascara-heavy eyes.

"I don't understand. It didn't seem stupid to me at all. It was a tale about how easy it is to fall into the bad crowd when you're given the opportunity to climb the social ladder."

"The old Star thing—not the story itself. How they drugged people. So gay. Not like these days. We don't force people to take drugs. All because of me. Bow to me."

"I'm not going to bow to you."

"Fine, then at least suck on my toes a little bit. No? Psh. You're lame. What would you prefer—STARz or FAME?"

"Don't know. Never tried either."

"Ever shot FAME into your dick? Even better than plugging Viagra mixed with ground rhino horn."

"Again, never tried it."

"Allen and his Wattpad was so corrupt back then. Not like me. They framed poor Sylvia—who was based on a real woman—for those murders. I've never framed anyone."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Rick asked, feeling himself getting angry. "You framed The Chosen One for all sorts of horrible crimes! You said he abducted kids and baked them into pies! Not only that, but you shot my fucking long-lost brother to pieces right in front of me! You're a fucking monster, you asshole!"

Lord WattPad shrugged and yawned. "That was, like, sooo totally different. Anywho, our system is, like, so much better. Who cares if the ranking system is rigged? Have you seen those gay fucking stories those nobodies write? 'The Bad Boy Sucked My Hard Dick and I Liked It'? Yeah, who wouldn't? Save your stupid shitty diary for someone who gives a flying fuck, you dumb peasant. 'Generica Fantastica'? Ooh, watch out! Another shitty fantasy series with perfect elves and evil gremlins and girly dudes with blond pigtails! I bet it's a trilogy where every book has pretty much the same fucking subtitle! Tolkien called—he wants all his shitty ideas back. 'Teenage Girl V the World'? Wow, haven't seen that one before! A teenage girl with no discernable skills or noticeable qualities is the only one who can bring down the dystopian government. She outsmarts the intellectually superior adults, she discovers the meaning of her unique name in an important plot point, and she gets caught up in a whirlwind triangular romance! Fucking yawn! You see why I rig the ranking, Rickoffer? You fucking see why I keep the best of the best at the very top, and keep them alive forever? Huh? Do you understand why I do what I do!?"

"Yeah."

"It drives me up the fucking wall that people actually call me out on this shit. I know what they say. I know they don't worship the ground I fucking walk on. I'm not stupid. Sure, I pretend like everybody loves me, but I know they don't. So what if I have people killed. They're useless. They're all fucking useless. Unless they submit to me. Those fucks. And when they submit, they become great. They become Stars. And it gives people hope. They think—no matter how much they fucking suck—they think that they can become Stars, too. But they won't. Because only the best become Stars. And I know the best. I made Wattpad what it is. Not @allenlau, that fuck. Nobody except me. And without me, this whole fucking world would turn to shit so fast it'll make your head spin! It would be a dump! You and everyone else would be reading the worst goddamn trash, you'd claw your own fucking eyes out!"