I Don't Understand - Namjin

8

The next few weeks have been the usual, but three things are different: Jimin has left us alone, I'm actually in a friendship group now, and I have a boyfriend. 

I have a boyfriend.

Those are the best four words I've ever said. Except from the dirty glares we get from Jimin from across the room, life has been going great. Me, Jin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung and Jungkook are constantly round each others' houses, whether it's for homework, or just hanging out. Jin practically lives round mine, and it's amazing. I never thought about how amazing it could feel to wake up in someone's arms, to hold someone's hand when I'm walking down the corridor, to be loved. Me and Jin are inseperable, and I love him. 

"Baby.. Namjoon, your phone's ringing!" Jin shakes me awake. I sit up from his lap, where I've been resting for the past hour and grab my phone, answering the call. Jin pauses the film and I put it on speaker phone. 

"Hello?" 
"Is this Kim Namjoon?"
"Yes, speaking?" 
"It's Doctor Lee. I was wondering if you'd be able to pop in soon so I could have a look at that ankle of yours? Hopefully it's fully healed by now." 
"That would be great, I'm free tomorrow." 
"Is 11am ok for you?" 
"11am is perfect. Thanks, Doctor." 
"No problem, see you tomorrow." 

I put my phone down on the coffee table and resume my previous position on Jin's lap as he plays the film again. After an hour or so, I get up to grab some food. I go into the kitchen as a wave of dizziness makes me fumble and grip onto the side of the counter desperately. Jin sees me and runs over. 
"Namjoon? Are you ok?!" 
"Mhm.. Just got a bit dizzy.. I'm fine." I reply, not even convincing myself. 
"No you're not. You keep getting dizzy and sometimes even passing out!" Jin argues back, as he leads me back to the sofa. "Do you drink enough water?" 
"Yeah, you're always with me and you know I drink loads. It's nothing to worry about.." 
"Babe, there's gotta be something wrong, constantly fainting isn't normal!" 
"I promise, if it gets any worse I'll go to the doctors." 
"Ok.. I'm just looking out for you, y'know." 
"I know. I love you, Jinnie." 
"I love you too, Namjoonie. Let's go to bed." 

"Joon, wake up. We're going to the hospital today." Jin whispers, stroking my hair. 
"Mfph.. What time is it..?" 
"10am. We need to be there in an hour. Get dressed, baby." 
"5 more minutes..!" I groan and pull the covers over my head. Jin yanks them off me so I'm completely uncovered, and lifts me onto my feet. 
"Nope, get dressed babe!" he laughs. After I'm dressed, Jin makes me grab something for breakfast and we walk to the hospital. 

~ 

"Hello, Namjoon. Let's take a look at this ankle, then." Dr Lee says, and x-rays my left leg. "Looks like it's all healed up. Just be careful when you're walking and maybe don't do any sports for a while." 
"Thanks, Doctor." Jin says as I put my sock and shoe on. "Oh, one more problem." he says. I shoot him a warning look, but he completely ignores me. 
"What's wrong?" 
"Namjoon's been getting really dizzy for quite a while now, and he sometimes passes out." he tells Dr Lee. I sigh, looking down at my hands. 
"How long has this been happening, Namjoon?" 
"I don't know.." I mumble. "Quite a while, I guess.." 
"Do you drink enough water?" I nod. "Hmm.. Do you get enough sleep?" 
"I mean, probably not. I get around four hours maximum, but I always doze off in the evenings because I'm so tired.." 
"Any ideas why you're not sleeping well?" 
"Um, I guess I stress out about little things a lot. I just can't sleep well, no matter what I do to help it." 
"Right.. That probably explains the passing out and dizziness. Namjoon, you must have insomnia, and it affects your body when you don't get enough sleep. If you're feeling tired in the evenings, go up to bed instead of napping downstairs. You won't have anything in the background then, so you shouldn't wake up after a couple of hours. If you still don't get any sleep after a few weeks, come and see me and I'll see what else we can try." 
"Ok. Thanks, Doctor." I bow and we both leave. The walk home is silent, until we get inside, that is. 

I shut the door. 
"What the hell, Jin? You said we'd wait it out!" 
"I couldn't! Namjoon, you don't understand what it's like to see you constantly like this! And why the hell didn't you tell me that you never sleep?!" 
"Because it doesn't matter to you!" 
"How does it not mater to me? I'm your boyfriend!" 
"Exactly. You're my boyfriend, I care about you way more than myself! I only worry if you don't get enough sleep, if you're sick. Who gives a shit about me?!" I shout, tears threatening to spill. 
"I do! Namjoon, I love you! That's why I care so much about you!" he shouts back. He lowers his voice. "I need some time to think.." he mutters. 
"Jin, please don't go..!" I cry out, failing to hold the tears in. 
"I'm not going, I just need some time to myself. I'll come back when I've calmed down. I don't wanna hurt you, Namjoon.." he says, before leaving. I sob uncontrollably, to the point where I can't breathe properly. I reach for my phone and try to dial Jin, but I accidentally call Yoongi. 

"Namjoon? What's up?" 
"Y-Yoongi..?" I choke out, realising my mistake. 
"Shit.. Are you at home?" 
"Y-Yeah.." 
"Hold on, I'll be there as quick as I can! Focus on your breathing." he says, and then I accidentally hang up. I try to do what he says and control my breathing, but I'm struggling to keep it going. 

"Shit!" Yoongi curses as he bursts through my front door and sees me on the living room floor, on the verge of conciousness. He tries to phone Jin, but he gets no answer, so he phones Hoseok. 

"Hobi!" 
"Woah! What's wrong? Why did you run out so suddenly just now?" 
"No time to explain, can you try and find Seokjin and get him to come to Namjoon's. Namjoon's having a panic attack and I can't bring him down!" 
"Shit.. Ok, he's probably at the park. See you as soon as possible!" 

"Namjoon, listen to me. Breathe, ok? In, then out." Yoongi says, trying to sit me up straight. I try to follow his instructions, but I can't. His voice grows fainter and fainter, until I can't hear or see anything.

~ 

"Seokjin!" 
"Hoseok? What's wrong?" 
"Namjoon.. Yoongi called.. Namjoon - he's had a huge panic attack.  Yoongi can't calm him down.." 
"Shit!" 

~ 

Jin bursts through the door. 
"Namjoon..!"