I Don't Understand - Namjin

10

I'm so lucky to have Jin in my life. It's been a few months now, and loads has happened, mainly good things, but the odd thing has really set me back mental health-wise. I went back to the doctor with Jin because my panic attacks were stopping me from sleeping, so I now see a counsellor once a week because I fell into a huge depression. I'm getting better, but only thanks to Jin, and my friends. Oh, and my anti-depressants. But it's all good, as long as I take them I'm fine, and Jin's always there to help me when I go into one of my depressive episodes. Jimin's basically left us alone, he doesn't even give us dirty looks from across the room anymore. I do feel kinda bad for him, though. He hangs out with nobody. Like, literally no one. He's worse than I was before I met Jin and became friends with Tae, Jungkook and Hobi.

~ 

"I need the toilet." I tell our group as we're heading to sit on the field for lunch. "Meet you in our normal place." 
"I'll come, too." Jin says, and follows me down to the toilets in the annexe, as they're normally the quietest ones. The others think Jin comes with me to the loos because he's my boyfriend, which is true, but it's also because I'm shit at swallowing pills to the point where I can get a panic attack over it, so Jin is there to help me and calm me down when I take my anti-depressants. The others don't know about my depression, only the anxiety, because I'm scared they'll leave me, I'm scared they won't want to hang around the depressed kid. What am I on about? They're my friends - my best friends - they'll want to help me, but there's always that part of my brain that tells me the worst will happen. 

"Fuck!" I curse once we're in the toilets. 
"What's wrong, Joon?" Jin asks. 
"I don't have any water! I drank it all in music." Jin just takes out an extra bottle from his bag and hands it to me. "Thanks, babe." I laugh. I get my pills out of a small pocket in my bag and pop one out of the little foil covered tray, holding it in my fist as Jin opens the water bottle for me. 
"Deep breath, baby." Jin says, as I put the pill in my mouth and drink some water. I swallow, but only the water goes down. The pill sits in my mouth, fizzing slightly. "Done?" Jin asks. I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes. "Try again, baby. I know you can do it, just relax." I try again, and manage to swallow it.
"I fucking hate depression.." I mutter. I put the lid back on the bottle with shaking hands and Jin pulls me into a hug. He holds me as I cry and shiver uncontrollably, rubbing my back until I calm down. He wipes my tears away and kisses me quickly on the lips.
"Well done, baby." he whispers. He takes my hand, and as we're about to leave, I notice a cubicle door is shut. 
"J-Jin.." I mutter, and point to the locked cubicle. 
"Shit.. It's ok, babe. Let's just go before they come out." Jin whispers back to me. But it's too late. Somebody walks out, and goes to the sinks, not really acknowledging me and Jin. I don't see his face, but I can tell he's been crying. 

I gently place a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, are you ok?" I ask. He turns around, and I automatically take a step back. It's Jimin, and his eyes are puffy and red, his skin tear-stained. "S-Sorry. Um, are you ok, though?" I ask. I don't really care who it is at this point, someone's been crying and my instincts tell me to comfort them. 
"Uh, yeah.." Jimin replies in a tiny voice. 
"You're not. It's ok, I - we - won't judge you." I say reassuringly. 
"I, um, I was crying because I heard. I heard you two, and it upset me." 
"Why did it upset you..?" I ask, seriously confused at this point. 
"B-Because it's my fault! It's my fault that your ankle got broken a while ago, and it's probably my fault that you have depression!" he cries. 
"Jimin, I -" I stammer. I don't know what to say, so I pull him into a hug. "It's not your fault. One person can't make somebody so depressed. Everything in my life until quite recently has lead to this, and I've felt like this for years. I only just went to somebody to get it sorted out. It's not your fault." I tell him. Now I've seen this side of him, I pity him. 
"Namjoon.. Yoongi just texted me, they're all wondering where we are. What should I say?" Jin pipes up as I pull away from the hug. 
"Go find them, it's fine." I reply. 
"What about why we were taking so long? I'd rather not have them think we were fucking in the school loos..!" 
"Um, fuck it. Tell them the truth. They need to know." 
"Are you sure?" 
"Yeah, go find them." I tell him. Jin kisses me on the cheek and quickly squeezes Jimin's hand to let him know we're ok with him. Then, he leaves to tell our friends why we disappear every lunch. 

"N-Namjoon, I'm sorry. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. For what I did to you, and to all of the others. Once Taehyung and Jungkook went off with you, I really realised how badly you would've felt when we - no, I - was bullying you. I treated you horribly, and I regret it more than anything I've ever done in my life. I really mean it, I'm sorry." Jimin says, tears falling down his face again. 
"Jimin, I forgive you." I say. I know he means it, I don't know how, but I just know. 
"R-Really..?" 
"Really." I hug him, and dry his tears. "Would you like to sit with us at lunch?" 

~ 

We walk across the field, and I spot Jin standing up and talking to Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung and Jungkook, all of them sitting under the big tree by the wall. Jungkook's leaning on Taehyung's shoulder, and Hoseok's on Yoongi's lap, as usual. They're all listening to Jin, who's talking in a low voice so I can't hear him. As soon as they see me, Taehyung jumps up and runs to me, hugging me tightly. I hug him back, and hear a loud shout come from the tree's direction. 
"TAE!" Jungkook yells. We look over to see Jungkook lying on his side; he fell over because he was leaning on Taehyung, but then there was an absence of Taehyung before he could realise. 
"Wow.. Well done, you killed your boyfriend!" I laugh. 
"He deserved it, HE WAS KILLING MY SHOULDER!" Taehyung shouts the last bit, making sure Jungkook can hear. 
"FUCK OFF!" is the response he gets from his loving boyfriend. Taehyung laughs. 
"Joon, I - wait, what is he doing here?" Taehyung cuts himself off, spotting Jimin a few metres behind me. 
"I'll explain when we sit back down." I say, and indicate for Jimin to come and sit with us. 

"Hey." I say as I reach the others. As soon as Taehyung sits down, he gets a punch from Jungkook. 
"Hey! That hurt, you dick!" he says, and proceeds to tickle Jungkook mercilessly. 
"Guys, seriously!" I laugh, and they stop. "I, no - we need to talk to you." I say, and gesture for Jimin to come over. 
"Namjoon, what's going on..?" Yoongi asks skeptically. 
"Um, so, I'm assuming Jin told you why we disappear off to the loos together every day?" I ask, everyone nodding in agreement. "Well, Jimin kinda heard us when I was trying to swallow the pill, and he got quite upset." I say, looking over at Jimin. He's staring down at his hands in his lap, I can see the tears welling up again. 
"Yeah, I'm really sorry, I mean it. When I saw how happy you guys were when you're all together, I started to regret everything. And when I heard Namjoon and Seokjin in the toilets just now, I knew that I never regretted anything more in my life. I truly am sorry. I don't care if you guys still hate me, I just want to apologise. I mean it, I'm sorry." Jimin says, tears pouring down his face. After about a minute of silence, Yoongi pipes up. 
"We forgive you." he says, looking around at the others. "Right?" 
"Yeah, we can see that you're sorry, Jimin." Jungkook replies, followed by the others agreeing with him. 

"Friends?" I ask.