Light (Wolfstar au)

7.

This chapter is for @serenadeofblue because she's amazing and really nice and great and yeah. Hope you enjoy it!! Thanks for reading this :)

When Remus has finished at the record shop, and gotten fed up of Marlene and Dorcas' oblivious flirting, he made his way to the cafe, as he always did. The same, comforting colours and sounds overcame him, and he smiled. The counter was empty, but he waited, fingers feeling the dent, over and over. A short, bright green giggle erupted from the back room, and then Sirius voice.

"Lils, stop giggling." Remus grinned.

"Um, hey, Remus, we were gonna close up soon, but you can still have a hot chocolate and a muffin if you want, you know, like usual?" His voice has a hint of wavering grey nervousness, and Remus' smile widens. Sirius is cute. What?

"I do know," Remus tries to keep his cool, but his brain is ticking furiously, "yes please." Very soon he's sat in his armchair again, running his fingers over the soft upholstery, relaxing back into its sinking softness. Time smiles at Remus, then disappears, taking the other customers with it onto the darkening streets of London, and he just sits, head tilted back slightly, listening.

He's not listening for anything or to anything in particular. He's just listening to the swirling symphonies of sounds and colour as they come and go. And he's thinking, letting his mind wonder to distant shores of ideas and concepts and thoughts he has never seen before, never contemplated or explored.

Then the soft voice is back again, and he hears Sirius say,

"We've cleared up and stuff, um, you kinda need to leave because we're closing up?"

Remus nods and hums, picking up his bad. He barely catches Sirius' next words, but they're there and they make him stop slightly, and contemplate why his heart is now thumping uncomfortably hard in his chest.

"I'm going to the park to, I don't know, think and walk and stuff. Hyde Park? Do you want to come. I kinda wanted to ask you something. You don't have to and sorry if I'm being weird but Hyde Park's nice at this time of night. Peaceful, you know what I mean?" Sirius' voice has that same stuttering grey and Remus' grin spreads wide across his face.

"Sure."

~

Marlene's fingers tap on the keyboard, and words appear on the screen. Her imagination flows through her fingers and onto the page and Dorcas can see how much she loves writing, the dreams and ideas that spill into her stories and the beauty of her words. If only she could see it herself.

Xe places the mug of chamomile tea on the table beside her, and wraps xyr arms around Marlene's shoulders, burying xyr face into the golden hair.

"Maarrllsss..."

"Mhm?"

"You've been writing for hours, come on, you need to get some sleep. I know you don't need beauty sleep but honestly it's bad for you to stay up too late."

"It's ok, Dork, really, I'll go to bed when I've finished the section I'm working on. Do you want to watch another episode of that TV show, what's it called?"

Dorcas smiles fondly.

"Supernatural. I'll wait for you in the living room."

Marlene stumbles in 15 minutes later, and sees Dorcas sitting cross-legged on the sofa.

"Hey."

"Hey." The TV screen flickers on and Marlene joins Dorcas on their amazingly comfortable sofa, leaning her head on the xyr shoulder. Dorcas smiles, and they start to watch. 

Marlene is so caught up in the show that she only notices that Dorcas has moved when she hears soft snores coming from her lap, and a serene face, it up with flickering blue light from the television. Marlene strokes xyr soft, frizzy hair, smiling gently. 

If only you knew.

Of course Sirius had told her to do something about these more-than-friends feelings and the huge hole that opened up in the bottom of her stomach whenever Dorcas smiled at her, but how could she tell xem? She doesn't want to ruin the beautiful thing they already have, the way Dorcas always looked so happy to see her and their light-hearted banter in the early morning as xe made pancakes for them and their long, peaceful, exciting summer road trips. She wants to keep what they have now, the way Dorcas always turns to her first in a room of people and their glances and the way they can tell each other anything and they way they can tell what the other is thinking and feeling without saying a word. She wants to keep the way Dorcas always smiles the widest at her, and their late night trips to supermarkets for random things, and their closeness and giggles and new blossoms and singing into the might and dancing in the rain.

But she can't help but want to be closer to xyr. It's not romantic, she doesn't want to kiss xem or anything, but she wants to be able to call xyr her girlfriend, or whatever the nonbinary version for that is, and to hold xyr hand when they're casually standing around and to take xem on dates that aren't romantic, but just show how much she loves xem. It's not that her love is romantic, it's just a bit more than platonic. 

She shakes her head. Why does it all have to be so confusing?

She turns her head back to the screen, but her eyes keep unfocussing and she can't concentrate. Her eyelids droop and she realises that maybe Dorcas is right, maybe she does need more sleep, then promptly falls asleep.

~

Remus sighs into the dusk, as they sit down on a frosted bench.

"Um, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

Remus holds his breath, feeling the wind whisper against his skin, then says quickly and quietly:

"Are you synesthesic?" Sirius laughs. It's not laughing at him, it's just a deep, purple-y laugh and it warms Remus up, somehow.

"Yeah, I am. It's hard sometimes, and it feels like a cacophony of colour, but it can be nice. It can be beautiful, occasionally."

Remus sits in silence for a moment, listening to the way the soft grey of the sounds of the river intertwines gently with turquoise tweeting and Sirius slow, green exhales. Then he blurts out,

"So am I." And when he hears Sirius' voice next it's woven with laces of tentative maroon curiosity.

"What's it like being blind and synesthesic? Like, do you just see the colours or does it help you imagine stuff or? Sorry if I'm being really intrusive."

And Remus feels even warmer now because, yes, he's just met another synesthesic person, but also, Sirius is being so respectful and he's so cute when he's nervous. Wait what?

"Um, well, not really, it's hard to explain. Sometimes it's like explosions of colour or abstract paintings or woven cloths but it's not really a picture, you know, just the sounds and well, I don't know how to describe it really."

"Mhm, I get it." Sirius' voice dies down, and Remus gently prods his brain curiously, wondering what's going in his mind with Sirius. There's not much of a profound response, just a load of confusion, so he just leaves it.

Sirius watches the stars. He likes to think about how simple but beautiful human thought is, that humans hundreds of years ago grouped together stars that are as far apart from each other as we are from them into patterns, to make them more understandable because humans are so easily forgetful and confused, but so, so curious and they want to know. And Sirius thinks it's amazing.

Yet there are people who see Remus as lesser for being blind, or Dorcas and James as lesser for being black, or Mary as lesser for being lesbian, or James and Alice as lesser for being trans, or Emmeline as lesser for wearing a hijab and he wonders how the human mind, so beautiful all those years ago, so open and wonderful and curious, could fall so hard and dangerously to such irrational hatred of its own kind. 

And he wonders how it would even be possible to hate someone as amazing and so gentle and beautiful and kind as Remus.