Am I Married?

40. The Hardest Decision

NO FANFICTION, NO TRANSLATION IN ANY LANGUAGE, NO REPRODUCTION OF THE BOOK ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET.

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I turned my head and looked at him. Ashar was sitting behind me, waiting for me to answer his query.

"You really don't know what love is?"

"I have a vague idea," He shrugged, "But I don't know how to find out if you're in love or not."

I paused for fractions of seconds and pondered on his statement. I sat up, putting the heating pad behind me. I played with my fingers, murmuring loud enough for him to hear me, "Love is insanity. It hurts you, traps you, breaks you, but, still the stubborn heart never wants to give up."

There was a counselor at my foster home who used to give sessions about the importance of good mental health. In one of our discussions I asked the same question from him. His description on love was so good that I had remembered it up till now.

I elaborated more, "You think of her when she's not near you. You even think of her when she's around you. You never get tired of talking or spending time with her."

"It seems like obsession." He commented.

"Obsession doesn't contain emotion, but, love does." I said, "When a person's mere smile makes your heart flutter, especially if it's because of you. You observe her more closely, like; how she walks, sit or sleep. You notice even the tiny details about her. Like, she bites her nails every time she's nervous or may be anything." I shrugged, couldn't think of other examples.

I continued, gazing at my belly, "You leave your favorite things somewhere behind because her favorite color is now your new favorite color. Her favorite food becomes your new favorite. Her happiness is now your happiness. You put aside all your likes and give importance to hers because it makes you happy."

"That's very deep." His comment made me look at him, "I don't think I've ever loved any woman in that way."

But I did. I loved a man that way; the same man who was sitting in front of me, completely clueless about I had felt for him. I was ready to mingle my entire self into him, but he didn't want my love.

Sound of fireworks reached to my ears. He checked the time from his wrist watch and I checked it from the wall-clock. The clock struck twelve. I understood, the celebration was for the New Year. The laughs and applause were loud enough that I was hearing them from my room.

"Take care of my baby, Ashar." I whispered, "Do not deprive him of his rights because of your own resentment for me. He's innocent in this entire matter. I don't want anything else from you."

His brows furrowed confusingly, "As if you're going to go easy on me if I didn't do my duties."

"I know you'll make me." He added in a very low voice.

I couldn't understand fully what he was trying to say, but it was enough for me that he didn't deny me. I guess it was his way of saying that he'll be a father to my child.

"You should go now." I mumbled, laid on the bed again and turned on my side, opposite to him. I was near to tears and I didn't want to cry in front of him, that was why I hid my face.

"Don't stress yourself. Sleep well." I felt he stood up from the chair, gazing at me.

I didn't move, didn't respond. A minute later, I heard the sound of door closing. I turned around and saw that I was now alone in this spacious room.

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Later at night, after a lot of thinking, I finally decided to transform my plan into action. Ashar loved Samara or not, it was not my concern anymore. I couldn't shout at him or show my anger to him because it was all over. I had closed the doors of my heart. It's better that I should just accept my fate, accept that loneliness was my fate, that I was still bearing the punishment for deceiving the family, especially Ashar.