Picking up the Pieces

10

August 1, 1999 

Her baby was no longer a baby anymore...She was a toddler. And though there was a wicked storm going on outside, Thunder and Lightening and all, it didn't phase Stevie because Liz and Bill were there, her family was there, Sharon, and Marylin, And everyone she had working on this new solo record was flooding her kitchen. The lights were off and candles were strewn everywhere and Brielle was in her high chair against the island. 

Stevie had hand-made three cakes. A plain white one with vanilla frosting for Brielle because she remembered Jessie's first birthday and the almost three-year-old made a horrible, horrible mess of the cake. Then there were two other cakes because there were a lot of people...one a red velvet with cream cheese frosting and the other a half chocolate half vanilla with whipped cream frosting on it. 

Stevie was solely singing happy birthday to her little girl as people were snapping pictures and then Stevie placed the cake on the tray and blew out the candles making her own wish for her little girl. 

After Stevie removed the candle she loomed herself over the edge of the counter to watch Brielle, who was just sitting there in her diaper because Stevie didn't feel like scrubbing cake out of the gorgeous pink dress she had started the day wearing. It took her a minute but then with her pointer finger and her thumb she grabbed a small piece off the top and brought it up to her mouth. Karen snapping away on the camera. 

Once the cake made it inside of her mouth her eyes lit up and her whole teeny tiny right fist found it's way into the cake. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a righty." Christopher coos kissing his niece's cheek. 

"Has she tried grabbing spoons and things with her hands yet?" Liz asks. 

"Nah, but I'm not worried about it...I don't mind feeding her. She does take a hold of her bottle though. Speaking of..." Stevie trails off going to the fridge and pulling out some apple juice and pouring it into a sippy cup. 

Stevie introduced that about two months ago. They found out very quickly that if she drinks plain two percent, one percent, or skim milk that she'll have tummy troubles. But she can eat yogurt and little pieces of cut-up string cheese perfectly fine. The doctor said it's probably because she doesn't react well to a certain sugar in regular cows milk. Orange Juice isn't a favorite of Brielle's she'll drink it but she always makes a face. Apple Juice and Water have been the main go-to for giving the baby other forms of liquid instead of her mother's breast milk which was now down to right before she went to bed. 

While weaning Stevie did have some pain but her body now knows to only produce so much right before bed. However, Stevie figured that was going to end also because Brielle had teeth now and she was getting bit, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling. 

Christine dishes out the rest of the cake while Stevie watches Brielle and when about half of the small smash cake is gone, Stevie cleans it up and washes her child before putting her back in her pretty pink chiffon, of course, dress. Stevie has always had naturally wide hips so it's easy for her to sit Brielle on her hip and hold her with one arm and that's what she does to allow her to eat the cake. Brielle eyes the red colored cake for a while and then when Stevie brings a forkful up, Brielle bangs on her mother with her left arm. 

"What?" Stevie asks the toddler. 

Brielle just opens her mouth. 

"Stevie, I think she wants a bite of your cake." Barbara laughs. 

"I've not given her chocolate. I don't know if she'll like it." Stevie sighs.

"I don't know but she's getting mad." Sharon points out as Brielle starts whining and flailing in her mother's arm. 

"Alright...here," Stevie says bringing the fork to her mouth. Brielle eats it and it's clear that she likes it better than the vanilla one when she starts trying to jump on her mom's hip and opens her mouth for another bite. 

"Hey kiddo, momma doesn't share and you've had enough," Stevie says. 

"Mama. Mama." Brielle whines. 

"One more bite...One more." Stevie says giving her child another bite of the cake. 

"Jessie and I are finished so we'll take her to play in the living room and then when you get everything cleaned up we can do presents." Lori coos taking her niece from Stevie. 

***

Brielle receives several toys and a few little outfits from her grandparents but that night, after Stevie put Brielle to bed she was doing her nightly face mask routine, and her breast cold press routine, because she didn't feed Brielle that night, and she was feeling it when she looked to her left. 

In the frame, there are two pictures. Both 4x6, both ultrasounds. The first one looks way worse than the second one, as the first was taken in 1979. Sara Rhiannon Henley-Nicks. She had gotten one ultrasound done before she went in and had her abortion and for about two years after the abortion, she slept with the picture so it's crinkled and slightly ripped in some places. The one next to it is her last ultrasound with Brielle. A full-term baby instead of a very small fetus. She takes the cold press off of her breasts and grabs the picture. 

She starts thinking about the day and how she and her closest friends celebrated the one year anniversary of her daughter's birth. Then her thoughts transitioned to Sara. She immediately goes over to her nightstand and pulls her journal out. The words flowing out of her effortlessly. 

Don't take me to the tower and take my child away
Was I who was hourglass and sands of time like
Shattering glass went past me
Like a tunnel to the sea and I who went to sleep as two
Woke up as one, now only you remain
You'll close your eyes and travel back
To the time, when the light went fading fast
And the words you'll never, never forget, oh no
As you slipped away goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes, I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one day and I who went to sleep in tears
Woke up in tears for all of the years
And I who never, never said goodbye
As I slipped away goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes, I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one-day goodbye baby
I hope your heart's not broken
Don't forget me
Yes, I was outspoken
You were with me all the time
I'll be with you one day
Yes, I'll be with you one day

When her song was finished, she wiped her eyes and crawled out of bed. She didn't co-sleep with her child she found it completely unnecessary because even right after her C-Section she was able to walk the few feet to the nursery and collect her when she heard the cry through the baby monitor. But right at that moment, she needed her baby. As quietly and as easily as she could to avoid waking her she collected the sleeping angel in her flowered sleeper and took her into her bedroom. She barricaded the child between herself and a slew of pillows on the edge of the other side and fell asleep laying next to her child, cuddling her close.