star stuff

seven

My phone lights up with a text from Lucia Chang this time, and like every other time, I swipe it away and wonder why they keep trying to contact me when I haven't talked to them in years.

I think back to Sagan's words yesterday that I still can't get out of my head. They repeat over and over and over again like a song.

I will bring her back

Sagan's the only person to have that kind of faith in me in years. And I would like to tell myself that I still hate him, but maybe he just represented something to throw my anger at for years.

I'm saved from my musings by the appearance of Emma, who for once, I'm glad to see.

"Want to hear a joke?" she says as a greeting as she takes a seat next to my desk.

I look up from the calendar pulled up in front of me. "Sure."

"Why is justice best served cold?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Because if it wasn't it would be justwater."

The air fills with peals of her laughter as she shakes with humor over her own joke, which, to be fair, was a pretty good joke.

Her smile is replaced by a concerned frown as she takes in my expression.

"You never laugh, Juno. Or smile, for that matter. What's up? You can talk to me, you know. I'm not judgmental or anything like that."

I look at her, surprised that she's noticed. "I don't know. I guess there's just not much to be happy about."

The truth is, laughing fills me with a longing in my chest because I know that I'll never be able to laugh carefreely like I did with Jasper and Sagan. Laughing so hard it feels like my smile is going to fall off my face feels like eons ago.

"I understand. You know, if there's ever anything that you need to talk about, I'm always open. Or," she says, wiggling her eyebrows. "If there's any relationship advice you need."

I don't match her amusement. "Emma," I say, suddenly aching to get a thought off my mind. "Do you think it's crueler to let somebody love you even though you know you're going to leave or to never let that person love you in the first place?"

The mirth dissipates from her face, replaced by a look of seriousness. "Well," she says slowly in a way that reminds me of the way Sagan enunciates his thoughtful words. "I don't think you really have a choice in this situation. You don't get to decide whether a person loves you or not."

Unable to meet her eye, I look back down at the work in front of me. "If you always push them away, I think you can."

Emma reaches out to grasp my hand, causing me to look up and meet her eyes and I wonder how I never noticed that they're a piercing crystal shade of blue.

"I don't know what's going on between you and Sagan, but know that you have me, no matter what happens."

I nod wordlessly and that is when the realization hits me like a bullet train.

In pushing away Sagan, I have let my guard down and stupidly let Emma in. Acquaintances don't say the things that she is saying to me. That is what friends say.

Ice princess, June. Ice princess. Every word is said with a precision one would use to cut butterfly wings.

"I think you should go now."

I don't have to look up to know that she has a disappointed look in her face. Eyebrows scrunched, mouth down turned.

Blue eyes full to the brim with confusion.