this is our happy place - poetry

oxymoron

i'm scared that i will wake the demons
i'm scared to break an oath
it's a balance of misery and bliss
but i know it can't be both.

i'm expected to expose something i've buried
i tiptoe cautiously around my words,
i'll recite to you like a beautiful speech,
and you'll pretend you've never heard.

i'll dive head-first off the tallest mountain
and land upon a flower bed
i'm addicted to overestimating
every word that i had said.

and every word that i will say
and every word that's left to write
i'll drown myself in the bluest ocean
to be rescued by the light.

i'll form a noose with a piece of ribbon
and seal it with a bow
i'll hang it on the thickest branch
but it won't work, i know.

i'll write you a beautiful song
so you can massacre my art
and if you see me crying,
you know the way back into my heart.

i'll paint you a picture
of plants and clouds and trees,
but i'll paint it with my blood and tears
and blame it on my disease.

i'll kill myself with sleeping pills
you'll find me, lifeless, dead
and you'll still ask if i left any more for you
then you'll cuddle me in bed.

i'll wear my dream dress to our wedding,
i've planned this all my life
but by the time i see the altar,
you'll have another wife.

this life that i am forced to live
is maybe bitter sweet,
i'll starve myself another day
so someone else can eat.

i want to die pretty
but that's an oxymoron
but i see so many living ugly...
that's enough to start a war on.

if you hadn't caught it yet,
i'm comparing beauty and sorrow
you can't have pleasure without the pain
can't have yesterday without tomorrow.

— LEW