Thoughts From a Sad Girl

December 1, 2019

Entry #11 

I'm freaking out!! The art show is in 19 days and I'm not ready. I still have 2 pieces to do and 3 tests to study for. I think I'll work on my next piece though because I need to take my mind off CHRISTIAN!! 

I can't stop thinking about him. 

He texted me 5 times yesterday, but I didn't answer. They were just a bunch of "hey"'s and "how are you"'s. Then he texted me again this morning and I still have yet to reply. I'm just not sure what to say and I don't want the conversation to go where I know it will. If I answer had answered, I would have put myself right on the path to "so why'd you lie" and I'm not in the mood to pour my heart out. 

Ok, ok, I'm thinking to much. I'm off to go paint something, hopefully beautiful. 

Entry #11 Pt. 2

So.... CHRISTIAN JUST SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE. He left now, but he just came here with no invite or anything. 

We spoke. 

It was interesting. 

"So what's up with the pretending you don't know how to answer text messages?" He said as soon as I opened the door, barely allowing for me to walk outside. 

"Well, that's very accusatory." I said closing the door behind me.

"Am I wrong?"

"Yes actually you are, I wasn't pretending about anything." 

"Wow, way to make  a guy feel good" he said, turning around to leave. 

"Wait!" I yelled before I even had time to think. He stopped, his back was still facing me but I continued on anyway, " I wasn't answering because.... it's hard." 

He turned around. "What's hard? I just want to know what's going on." 

"It's a long story." 

"I don't have anywhere to be", he said walking over and sitting on the bottom step. I stood there looking at him for a few seconds, then I sat down next to him. We spent the next hour talking about my current home life. He was genuinely interested. When I told him about my dad he pulled me in for a hug. 

A hug. 

... In all of the time that has passed since my dad died I haven't gotten a hug from anyone until now. 

I had pulled away. 

"I haven't gotten a hug from anyone regarding my dad. Not even my mom, she kinda just acts like nothing ever happened." 

He didn't say anything, just pulled me in again. 

At first I wanted to pull away but he wouldn't let me go and if I were being honest that was the best hug I've ever had. Through one hug he said so much without even opening his mouth. I liked feeling his arms tight around my waist and the back of my neck. I liked feeling his cool breath brush against my forehead. 

Eventually we pulled apart and he said, " Listen, I'm sorry life's been rough. I really am, but don't let a little rain keep you inside for the rest of your life. I like you, I like you way more than I should and I think you like me too." 

I didn't even know what to say, I just looked at him as I felt myself blush.

"Please don't go run inside again." 

" Ha ha ha.... I'm not sure how to respond to that. There is a chance I might like you just as much, but I don't know.... I'm not sure you can handle me." 

He sat there staring at the ground for a while. I was sure I had just screwed up the only thing I looked forward too everyday, I was ready to pull a classic me and run inside when he finally said," I'm not sure I can handle you either, but I'm not stupid and I'm not going to just let someone like you go because it's going to take a little more work and effort." 

"Ummm" 

"Now I really like you and I just want you to be my girlfriend already, but I can slow down if I'm moving too fast for you." 

"You're fine, I like the sound of calling you my boyfriend." 

So yeaaaa.... I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!! It still sounds so weird. AHHH. Christian is my boyfriend. I'm really not sure why changing a persons title from friend to boyfriend hold so much meaning. It's just a different title but like it adds so much more pressure. Am I ready for this? 

Maybe this was a bad idea. You know I have school and art club and therapy. And what about meeting families. I can't meet his parents or anything, I'll literally pass out. And I don't need him meeting my mom, she's so weird and she'd ask so many questions. 

Who am I kidding, she's not even home enough to see me, let alone meet someone new. She hasn't been home for 4 days. I have no clue where she is. It's not like she a job where she as to travel or anything, she doesn't have a job at all. She just disappears. 

Okay, I'm going back to painting before my brain explodes.