Thoughts From a Sad Girl

November 9, 2019

Entry #5

My mom made pancakes this morning; she hasn't done that in months. 

Anyways, I went back to Dr. Ramirez's office on Thursday. I still don't know how I feel about the whole thing, but it went much better than it did on Tuesday. 

When I walked in she was already sitting in one of the couches waiting for me. She greeted me and motioned for me to come sit. I can't really remember what she was wearing that day, I was too focused on being nervous. 

"How have you been?" she said, she had a warm, inviting tone about her. It actually kind of allowed me to let my guard down a bit, I guess that was her trap. I went in there with the intention of bullshitting everything. However, instead we ended up having a half way decent conversation. 

We spoke about the move. She said that would be a good place to start. So I told her how one day in June my mom just decided it was time to go. She said there was just too much of him here, and we needed to move on. I told Dr. Ramirez how angry I was the night the realtor came and put the house on the market. I wasn't sad or upset, I was so angry. 

I was going to stop talking there, but then she asked why I was so mad in that inviting tone, so I told her why. 

I told her it infuriated me that she just wanted to leave him there like that, that she actually wanted to leave him behind. I was so angry that she didn't even warn me or say she was considering it. She was just like " We're going to move, the realtor will be here tomorrow, make sure your room is clean." Then Dr. Ramirez asked if I was still mad at my mom for blindsiding me and such. I told her no, which was a lie. 

I was ready to go and if I told her yes, I just knew that we would've been in there longer and I was just over it. I didn't like the way I was feeling; as if someone had cut me open and was examining my insides, while I was awake. She made a face that made me feel like she knew I was lying, but she let me go. 

She said that she was proud of me for opening up and that it was a good start. She also said she wanted to see me twice a week. I wasn't too thrilled about that and I tried to argue her down to once a week, but eventually I lost. I told her I could come in Tuesdays and Fridays at 4 pm. She was very happy with that.

The reason I made it Tuesdays and Fridays was because of the space in between the appointments. I made so I would have time to recuperate from the previous interrogation session. It's just not easy for me to be so open and it's beyond draining. However, I purposely left Monday open purposely because that's when the art club at school meets and I've been considering joining. I've been painting since before I can even remember. I was in the art club at my old school, and I've even won some contests with dome of my creations. I don't know. My mom keeps saying that I should; I'm just so nervous. 

Oh and update; the boy who sat at my table the other day, sat there for the rest of the week. Again, I thought about talking to him but words never actually came out of my mouth. Maybe Monday or Tuesday or never, maybe he won't sit with me next week and I've lost my chance of meeting my soulmate. Oh well. 

I still haven't told Dr. Ramirez about my hole and how to this day I'm still sitting down here, I however I do feel a little closer to civilization the past day or two. Is that progress? Or is the pancakes?