Lost Heaven | Vkook | ENG

3: My poison

"I think, you broke the rule this time."
...

For years, I've been searching for something to fill the emptiness in my heart. I met a lot of people, I bought them in my bed. I wanted to love. I wanted to feel that heat. I wanted a nightmare, that would wake up the monster inside me, or a fire that would hurt me. Most of the time, I thought I loved them, but I fooled myself and them too.

I loved actually. But I couldn't stay depended. My love, soon burned to ashes. That's why I've never had a boyfriend. I always wanted someone, who I could always feel in my arms and someone, who loves me so much. But I did upset a lot of people, even I didn't want to.

Because of my own selfish pleasure, I was the cause of the tears on many people's eyes.

After a while, I realized it was wrong. I just wanted to stop myself. Because the more I saw the tears on those people's eyes, the more I realised, how worse person I had become.

I taught myself, not to touch the bodies of people I didn't love, since I don't know how to love.

Over time, I realized that the only thing I actually loved, was their naked bodies. That's when I began to see those bodies, as if they were works of art.

I was watching them all like a painting. I've been watching them, when I woke up in the morning. Like a piece of art with my fingerprints all over it. As the light of the morning sun soars over them, their skin shines, their bodies bearing the weariness of the night.

That's why I decided to become such a photographer. I opened my own exhibition and began to immortalize and display images, that I wished I could photograph with my eyes.

At the same time, I was punishing myself.

I've never touch, those naked bodies posing in front of me.

I never came close to those bodies that I loved to touch and own. There were times when I had a hard time, but I never broke that rule. I stopped myself even, when some of them started insisting that I touch them.

Now I'm in the same place again, and there's someone I've had a hard time rejecting. Another punishment, another test.

It was a little hard to leave the passionate moments we had in the garden, but we finally found the way to the room below. I had the room well prepared before he came. I even dreamed about this shoot for days and wanted it to be the most beautiful, the most perfect I could do. So I had a good thought and finally prepared the environment that I had set in my head.

The room was big, so I put everything I wanted in nicely. The wall opposite the door had a small black rug underneath. There were large and small black candles around. The candles were my favourite, dark rum candles. I used to use them most of the time in my shots, because it relaxes me and almost creates the effect of drunkenness. So I was feeling more comfortable and I was always capturing great frames.

At the same time, a red dim light was lighting up the room. Because of the scented candles, the moment we walked into the room, my brain became numb. Two walls of the room were black, the other two were white. I put a mattress on the floor across the white wall. It had a messy sheet and red rose petals on it. There were a few long white, vanilla-scented candles around.

I put a white chair across the other black wall. The chair had thick ropes, a white eye mask and handcuffs on it. Above the floor, about the width of the wall, was a series of black nylon.

Ever since we entered the room, nothing has been heard except the sound of our steps. Taehyung was looking with great interest what I put in the room. He must have liked it, because he had a slight smile on his face.