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16: Naked souls

The Neighbourhood - A Little Death

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As the darkened sky witnessed our conversation, I sat quietly, but my body was in such pain that it was as if blood was pouring from all over me. I was listening to the most heartbroken part of a sad song of a dream that hasn't even come true. I was listening to all the hope that floated down the cliff, to die quietly from the man who carried the crumbs of all the pain in front of me. How did he last? Really, why was life so cruel to him? He was the cleanest fighter in this dirty fight. Despite all that he had been through, the edge of his lip was curling, and he smiled beautifully at the smallest beauty, at the spite of all the pain. How can I express my feelings? He wouldn't let life's evil face steal his smile from him.

If I touched him, it would break, like break into ten thousand pieces, become a powder, and let the wind blow him away. I wish I had come out earlier, and I would have made him live with my love before his soul got old. I'd hold his hands tight, he wouldn't even look at death. The hiccups hiding in his throat echoed in my ears, I look at him and I see a scar. I want to give you a lifetime from mine.

"I couldn't die."His pointed gaze focused somewhere in the landscape of the city. I was just shutting up and digging into my brain like I was memorizing every word that came out of his mouth. A good thing you didn't die. "To some it is absurd to even think of suicide. They say it's a symbol of weakness."His eyebrows were raised and the edge of his lip curled as if mockingly. When he turned his head to me, but within seconds, his expression looked painful. "But how much do we know about other people's lives, Jeon?"It felt kind of weird calling me by my name. He looked like a stranger, and as his eyes poked through his pain, his voice seemed to add a bit of pessimism. "It's as if we forget that every scene has a behind, and an upside-down reflection of everything. Maybe somewhere in the dirty streets of this city, in a corner, a child was crying to death, but his voice didn't reach anyone's ears."

As he spoke, my cheeks, which were already wet, were getting wet again, and my skin, which I had now eroded by wiping with the fabric of my jacket, was burning more. Shut up. I beg you, shut up. I'm bleeding, darling. What I hear is heavy even for my heart.

"I am that kid. I'm still bleeding, actually. I was very young... I was too young to endure that pain. That's why it's been so deep, every nightmare I've had."I wanted to stop the tears flowing by kissing him but I couldn't, I was afraid to even touch his skin. I was afraid the pain would get to my fingertips, and I'd be torn to pieces. "I couldn't tell anyone because it would hurt me more to say it. I carried every leak like a cancer in my lungs. This is the first time I've told you, Jeongguk. Because I want you to see it. I want you to know how you bring a shattered man into life. I didn't tell you to pity me, don't do this to me. I want you to know that it will help you make some decisions. For the first time, my soul is naked in front of someone, and I'm glad it's just you."

I longed to hug him like crazy when his peaceful eyes touched me, but it was as if someone had poured tons of weight into my lap. I couldn't move. I wanted him to speak so that the dreary air of silence would dissipate, and the more I talked, it was like I was taking heavy blows to my waist. If I held out my hand, it was as if I couldn't touch him, it was too far from me. His wounds were exposed in the daylight, despite the dark sky. Between two pieces of flesh trembling under my nose, I was breathing heavily. The more I looked at him, the more my eyes watered involuntarily. How lost he was in himself... How quiet he was, with the screams that would deafen a human.

"The first day I saw you, I never wanted to look at you again. Because I knew the more I looked into those eyes of yours that looked at me like I was your God, the more I would lose myself. Yeah, that already happened. That day, when I breathed our breath between our lips and mingled, I trapped you in me with them."He was quiet as if speaking to himself, and focused only on a point where his gaze never turned to me. "The reason I left you was because I saw one of Choi's men. I wouldn't do that if it was anyone else. But I wanted to protect you, from everyone, from everything."