REFULGENT

6.

6.

Tris

I can't feel anything. I can't hear anything. I don't even really know where I'm going. I can see, but whatever is in front of me does not register with my brain.

The hallways are empty of people luckily, but if I came across anyone, I'm sure they wouldn't recognize me. It's been a year, and a lot has changed. Obviously not enough though, because my feet lead me to the rocks at the edge of the chasm. Our spot.

I drop to my knees and the spray from the raging water sprinkles dark spots onto my pants. My fists connect with the ground. My screams are drowned out by the roar of the chasm.

A life where nobody believes I exist is hardly a one I can live. I'm at my breaking point. The Tris everyone knew died that night in the Weapons Lab. Right now, I'm at a loss for knowing how to get her back.

I close my eyes and wipe the tears from my blotchy cheeks before getting to my feet. My toes reach the edge of the rocks, but I don't mind the feeling of being so close to the hand of death. I stare into the water. It would be so easy to be done right here, right now. I take a deep breath, the mist filling my lungs and clearing my head.

Part of me knows I could be selfish for once and just end this all, but the old Tris rips me the other way. I need to go back. I need to make him know I'm here. Perish all doubt lingering in Tobias' mind.

The sound of rocks rolling down the path tells me I won't have to choose. I turn around, finding myself face to face with Tobias. He opens his mouth, but no words come out as if he didn't want or expect me to notice him. I can feel my cheeks heat up immediately.

I don't really know when I decided to shove him against the wall, but I do know that I don't regret it.

My lips collide with his in a furious passion. His hands, first unsure due to surprise and shock, now hold my face to his firmly. He parts my lips with his and his expert tongue dances with my own. Without breaking the kiss, my hands find the hem of his sweatshirt and lift it up. His hands leave my face only to slip his arms up and out of the black material. I almost flinch when it hits the floor in a heap.

When I first initiated this, I was confident. We were both equal with our clothes on. Now I face a shirtless Tobias, and even though he has lost a lot of weight since the last time we did anything serious, I can't help feeling insecure. I run my palms over his chest and his arms snake around my lower back, tugging us closer. He trails kisses down my jaw until he reaches the tattoo on my collarbone.

"So beautiful," he murmurs agaisnt my pale skin. I can feel my eyes already watering and bring his lips back to mine so he doesn't see the tears. My heart beats furiously in my throat, but I shove aside my fears. I'm not going to ruin a moment like this over my intimacy issues.

And of course, right when I start thinking about him not being satisfied with my mediocre looks, he pulls away from the kiss.

"Um," he starts uncomfortably, "Do you... Should we take this somewhere else?"

I wasn't expecting that, so the first response I can conjure up when I'm distracted by the sight of a bare-chested Tobias is an embarrassed, "Uh... yeah. Sure," I laugh lightly because of my own pent-up nervousness.

He nods, watching my face closely in loving admiration. Next thing I know, he's grabbed my hand and is dragging me down the dark hallways of Dauntless. I giggle at the fact that a man as serious as Tobias is sprinting with me through Dauntless like we just bombed the cafeteria or something.

I'm completely out of breath as we reach the summit of the steps near the hallway that houses his apartment. I stop in my tracks and lean over with my hands on my knees.

"Give me a second," I whisper-yell to him, panting.

"Oh fine, I'll just carry you." And with that, he puts his hand under my arms and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I give him a slow kiss and don't break away until I hear him open his door. He steps inside and his hands slide lower down my back until they reach my belt loops. He gives one a tug and I smile into another kiss.

Eventually I hop off of him and he takes both of my hands in his, walking backward until the backs of his legs hit the end of his bed. He leans back and I fall on top of him, straddling his waist. The move is a little more confident than I'm used to, and I blush. He raises his eyebrows, but even in his surprise, I can tell he's happy.

"I love you so much," Tobias says, and I believe him.

I respond with another passionate kiss and I can feel his hands smoothe over my back. They reach the top of my jeans, but this time he doesn't stop there. They slide around to the front and he unzips the denim that separates our bodies, dragging my pants down my legs. The midnight air chills my skin, but Tobias' body heat keeps the goose bumps away.

He rolls us over so that he's on top, and holds himself over me in a half-push up. He feels strong in this position, and I don't feel so exposed with his body covering mine.

Tobias plants slow, aggonizing kisses down my neck and tugs on my bra strap with his teeth. I moan softly and he slides my t-shirt over my head, tossing it off the side of the bed. Now I can really feel my heart pounding through my ribcage, and I wouldn't be surprised if Tobias can hear it, too.

It doesn't take him long to find the edge of my panties, but my hands reach down to stop him. An apologetic look crosses his eyes and he looks away, but I quickly speak up before he can feel too bad.

"Nope," I giggle, "You first." I begin unbuttoning his pants and soon those too are laying beside the bed.

"Better?" he asks with smirk.

"Much better," I say. "Just... Let's take it slow tonight. I'm still not quite over my old fear, yet."

He presses his lips to my forehead.

"Anything for you, Six," he murmurs against my skin, and I take in a deep breath, inhaling his scent for the last time before he pulls the covers over us, wrapping our bodies in a tangled embrace.