falling for the bad boy

Theo 101 part 2

{Barney pov}

I sit in Linus's classroom stare into space

"How To Date Theodora Mosby." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down..." Linus says

"I'm bored. "

"You said you wanted my help. "

"Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard? "

"We did that ready. "

"No, like, really big boobs."

"No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor for a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me."

Barney: Can we have class outside?

" No! What Theo really wants deep down... "

My Cell phone chimes.

"Barney!"

"What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?"

"Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?"

"They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?"

"Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Theo. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me? "

"Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid."

"Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. What do these mean?"

"You guys just had s*x? Oh! Wasn't me. "

"Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just... "

"Okay."

"This look is hunger. If you ever see theo looking like this, get some food in her quick, or one of two things will happen. One: weird, out-of-context laughter.Or two: spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. But the most important facial expression of all?"

He changes the photo but it is not one of Theo, it's a building.

"That's a building."

"Oh... That's for my class. TheFlatironBuilding. Fun story about it. It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the beaux-arts style; this architectural gem... "

"Dude!"

"Right. The most important facial expression of all. He changes for the right photo. "

"Whoa... "

"Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. And you will cry... for the third time... that night. Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb."Linus says

Later on

"Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy-feely." She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot."

"You're an idiot"?

"Yup. If she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man. And if she does say "I love you," she's already broken up with you in her mind."

"Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake. Theodora Mosby is a classic, textbook... cover hog. Any questions?

Robin, Lily and Marshall come into the class.

"Yeah, I have one. "

"Yes, theo?"

Ted and I both gasp.

"Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. Uh-oh. "

"I got this. So, emperor penguins-- crazy, huh? "

"What the hell do you two think you're doing? "

"Marshall, did you sells out?"

" I was vulnerable, I said good-bye to a very dear friend today. "

"Dude, it's a barrel!"

" Aw! You're giving Mabel away?"

"I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy?"

"Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class."

"Auditing"?

"Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English. "

B"On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises. "

"Wait. You did role-playing exercises where I was played by him"

"They made me wear a wig, It was very demeaning."

"You know, I can't believe you, Li. Do you actually think you're some kind of an expert on me?

" Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher!"

"Kiss ass." lily says pretending to sneeze

"You know, half the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong."

"Uh, really? Name one wrong thing. "

"Theodora Mosby's Surprising Erogenous Zones"? Let me clear something up for you, Linus."

{Later on at the bar theo pov}

I sit alone when Linus is arriving.

"What do you want?" I say

"Look. All that stuff I told Barney... It was personal between you and me. I'm really sorry. "He tells me

"I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered."

"It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Theodora knowledge to good use, you know?"

"Well, since you know me pretty well... am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?"

" I don't know. I will say this, though. I've seen Barney work very hard to get women. I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was going to give him an A. Well, B+ -- Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve"

***

Barney is sitting on the stairs, I come to him.

"Hey. Before you say anything, I am done with this stupid Theo 101, okay? Here, I'll get rid of the notebook. But there's... there's something that I did want to say to you. Theo, I have been with a lot of women, blondes, brunettes, redheads, big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way. The point is-- boobs that pointed in opposite direct--the point is...I'm really scared that you're going to dump me and that's why I did this and I'm sorry. "

"You're an idiot," I say as I kissed him

"Hmm?"

"That notebook, um, does contain a lot of personal info, and I think it has my home address."

"And your work address."

We turn to take the notebook but it has disappeared.

"Whoa"