falling for the bad boy

splitsvile

{theos pov}

i walk into the bar with my boyfriend nick who was a presenter for a tv show called fun with food which was awquad af. 

"Nick and I haven't had s*x in three days. And it's your fault. Nick won't have s*x because he pulled his groin muscle, all 'cause you made him join your stupid basketball team. " I say

"did you just say stupid basketball team, "Marshall says

Over the summer, Marshall had joined a midtown professionals basketball league. His team of lawyers was called The Force Majeurs. Ever since they lost to a group of accountants, he'd started getting a little intense about it.

"Yeah. "

"Oh, my gosh, guys, we have to rush Theo to the hospital. Because somehow, she swallowed her vocal cords and they got lodged in her rectum,because she's talking out of her ass." marshall says 

"The problem is, now that we're not having s*x, we're talking more, and I'm realizing that Nick is kind of... dumb. " i say 

"Really? "ted says shocked 

"News to me. "

"I hadn't noticed that. No. "

"Oh, my God. Do you guys think that he's dumb, too? "

"So dumb. "

"Airbags are sharper. "

"Hot as lava but just as thick."

"Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill."

 "Talk about a double standard. "

"Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Theo to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets. "

"Dump him! "

"Okay, that is ridiculous. "

"Is Nick a genius? No. But does he have average intelligence? No. But he is a human being, with a heart! And you're afraid if I dump him, it'll throw off his game. Theo, he got 36 points and 17 rebounds last week. And that was with his shoes on the wrong feet."

{later on theos pov}

I sit in Maclaren again with the gang 

"How'd the breakup with Nick go? "

"Well... So, I went to this fortune teller today and she said there was a curse on me. Did she sell you something to ward off the curse? "

"It's like you're a fortune-teller, too. "

*flashback*

"Nick, um... I think we need to talk. "

"Yeah. "

"Uh... it's just..."

 "Whoa, these are hard. Anyway, this $500 bracelet will ward off evil till the end of the week, so..." 

"Do you think that you could do, uh, sit-ups or something while you talk? "

{end of flash backs}

"Yeah.  Anyway, this fortune teller, she was able to tell me all sorts of stuff about my future, just from my credit cards and my social security number, I knew you'd cave."

"Which is why I came up with a little extra incentive to break up with Nick. End it by 8:00 p.m. tonight or this invite goes live. "

I watch the invite and was horrified I couldn't spend a day with Kasey

"Theo and Kasey's BFF Fun Day?!" 

 Kasey was a coworker of mine who'd become sort of obsessed with me. I had managed, until now, to keep Kasey at arm's length. But if were invited to something called Theo and Kasey's BFF Fun Day, she'd latch onto me and never let go. 

"Why would you do that? Delete that right now! "

"No! If I don't give you a little push, you'll let this drag on until Nick can have s*x again, and then you'll be right back to procrastinate on all fours."barney says

 "I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point. "Lily says

"Ugh!"I yell

{Later on Theo's pov}

I sit in the restaurant getting slightly tired but I need to break up with nick.

"You know where I'm going with this, right? "

"No. No clue. "

"Okay, um... I don't know if we should keep seeing each other. "

"You want to start turning off the lights during s*x? "

"No. God, no. No! No. I am just worried that, as a couple, we're not working out."

"You want to start going to the gym together? "

"Okay, no, Nick, here is the deal. Okay... Sorry, babe. I got to take this. Excuse me."

"Hello. "

"Hey, what's up? "

"You... What? "

"I... I don't understand."

"But you... "

"Okay, um, you know what? I'm sorry, I-I have to go. "

"What happened?"

"I... I, um... Uh, I'm sorry, I can't talk about this."

I turn around and see barney walk in I know what he is up too.

"She can't go home with you, Nick. "

"Barney? Why not? "

"Because Theodora and I are in love."

"Barney, what are you doing here?"

"Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own. I'm sorry, but you and Theo are done. "

"What? Theo, what is this? "

"Barney, look, I-I know what you're doing, okay?"

"Please stop. Theo doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you. You're welcome."

"Stop doing this. "

"I love her, Nick. "

"Look, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because... "

"I love everything about her, and I'm not a guy who says that lightly. I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to, and there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows."

"Theo, is this true? "

"You heard him."

wow, it feels like I have a pulled groin muscle in my heart.

"Nick, I-I'm so sorry."I say watching him walk out the door

"And the Oscar for Best Fake Romantic Speech goes to Barney Stinson. I'd like to thank all the ladies over the years with whom I've practiced fake romantic speeches and, of course, Theodora  mosby for being so hypnotized by hog that she needed me to come and save her. "

"You know what? I didn't need your help. "

"You were this close to ripping off his misbuttoned shirt and pulling down his inside-out underpants."

"I'll give you this, you were pretty convincing. "

"Hey, tricking good-looking idiots is kind of my thing."