VII - The Chariot

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1. Nightmares

I glance around the kitchen as I enter, but Mazelinka is nowhere to be seen. She must have already left for the day.
Dawn is just brushing its fingers against the horizon, silvery light passing through the dusty window. I settle down to the table with a sigh, staring down the wood grain as my mind tries to catch up to my body.
"N-no- please-"
...?
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry- I-"
I hear a loud thud from the bedroom. Hopping to my feet and hardly thinking, I stride towards the curtain, pulling it aside.
Julian drops his head back to the floor with a groan, entangled in the bedsheets, face as white as a ghost lily. He lifts his gaze to me, smiling wryly, sweat beading his brow.
"Ah, Akiko... Did I wake you? Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you."
I shake my head as I reach out for his arm, helping untangle him from the sheets. This close, I can feel the tension in his body. He's trembling, not quite meeting my eyes. Like he thinks he could hide it from me.
I fix him with my gaze, a bit worried.
"It sounded like you were having a nightmare."
"Did it? ... That would be, because I was... Having a nightmare, that is."
He swallows and drops down to the edge of the bed, slumping, as he rests his elbows on his knees.
"Seems silly in the light of day... Err, dawn. It wasn't real.
Was it?"
He clears his throat as he looks upon me.
"Ahem. Why were you out of bed?"
I'm startled by the sudden question, but make sure it doesn't show on my face. I'm more worried about him.
"You're trying to change the subject. I heard you talking in your sleep. And you're still shaking."
"Me, shaking? Nonsense. I'm a doctor, my hands are as sure as death. And taxes."
He smirks and arches a brow, but I must not be deterred. I reach out and place one of his hands into mine, to confirm my suspicions. Whatever he dreamed, it's shaken his cool resolve. He tries to tug his hand away, but I don't let go.
"I told you, it's nothing. Nothing for me to be upset about. It wasn't real."
I raise my brows, unconvinced. Settling down beside him, he's all nerves and jumps a little as I sidle closer.
"Seems like I can't hide anything from those piercing eyes, hm? Don't know why I bothered in the first place."
His gaze drops to the floor.
"Say... Do you believe in forgiveness?"
I tilt my head.
"Forgiveness?"
Where's this coming from? Whatever he's dreamed... It must have really shaken him. He looks like a spring too tightly coiled.
"Do you think... That even the most detestable things could be forgiven? Or are there things you don't get to come back from?"
I don't have to think long, before I answer.
"You can come back."
This may not be the answer Julian wants to hear, or the one I want to give. But there are things no one can forgive. This is the painful truth.
...
But you can't stop your life from moving on. You can't stay frozen forever.
"You can always come back."
"If I could only remember..."
...? He doesn't remember?
"Then I would know. If what I've done is something unforgivable."
"What will you do if it is?"
He's clearly thrown by my question.
"I- ... If I can't make it right... then I'll take whatever punishment I deserve. Without question.
...
Well, isn't this a dour conversation. Ah, don't mind me. It's just the sleep deprivation talking. Five cups of coffee, and I'll get the pep back in my step."
The tension hasn't eased from his shoulders, but if he doesn't want to talk, I cannot exactly force him to.
Still, there must be something I can do to help.
I weave around him, settling at the head of the bed.
"Err, Akiko? Say, what are you-"
He stops abruptly as I tug him by his collar towards me. His head lands on my chest, his whole body stretched out over the bed. I let one hand run through the hair at the back of his head, humming the melody of a song I had long forgotten.
"Well, um. So this is what we're doing now, huh? Well, alright. "
His muscles shift, loosening just a fraction with every stroke of my hand through his hair. "Julian... You need to relax."
"Huh? Y-yeah, sorry."
As he apologizes, I slowly realize what I'm actually doing just now. My cheeks flush immediately, but I suppose, now, there's no going back anymore.
"Err... I-it's fine."
I can feel him shift again, his long legs sticking out over the edge of the bed.
He parts his lips to speak, but I cut him off.
"You need to rest, Julian."
He slumps again, lips twitching up as he gazes through messy bangs up to me.
"Akiko... Thank you."
I chuckle.
"Thank me after you got a bit of sleep."
As a mess of tangled limbs and unspoken worries, we slowly drift off back to sleep.

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