Does Mr Right Exist

Chapter_Ten

When sanity leaves your body and you're trying to keep collected but you can't, you don't know what to do. when you don't know what it is .that you feel but you know it's driving you crazy and the longer you wait is the more you feel it and instead of subsiding it becomes stronger by the moment. That's how I felt when I was around Emily.

I didn't know what it was but I knew it was a feeling I've felt before but just not as strong and it felt like it's a feeling I'd felt a lifetime ago and not in this time, yet again I couldn't put my finger finger on it. I didn't know if I wanted to be a relationship with her but I knew I'd do anything to keep her safe. I was scared of a relationship because I knew for sure I'd fail at it, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her and I already have without even being in a relationship with her and it was all thanks to Paula.  The girl had the guts, I was beyond angry she lay her hands on Emily and when she did it again I was furious I co.uldn't help myself it felt as though I was going insane and I couldn't contain myself especially when I saw her laying on the floor crying and clutching her leg.  Something inside me broke and I felt so cold and heartless at that moment and I slapped Paula with no regrets. Even as I sat in bed the thoughts clouding my mind were so unlike me but then who was I?  I didn't know maybe I didn't want to know at all.

When someone does something for all the wrong reasons, for the reasons you will  never understand and you waste so much time trying to think of the possibilities of how things would have turned out if you were still together. If you'd love each other or it would be just for pulling a show. Wasting time missing them until you finally realise it was for the best and that you better off without them. And when you look at them you feel no pain or loss instead you look at them and smile and thank your heart for believing you were in love with them simply because you learnt so much from them and they as good as the people who made you up to be the wonderful person you are.

When you learn that not everything is how you wish and not everything will always go your way and you want to screw life only because it's screwing you too and you keep wondering if change is bound to take a trip to your life and sort you out but you feel too worthless for that shit and you keep deceiving yourself with the it's OK people who want to love me will and those who won't it's OK but you know it's not simply because its not your life. But honestly it's everyone's because what you do will affect somebody out there someone you don't know, someone who sees a role model in you, the perfect person and all in the name of it's my life you disappoint them by your stupid actions and the isn't turning back and you'll forever see yourself as a failure because you couldn't get one thing right. Well yes I'd accepted that what I do affects the next person but I did nothing about it. Sometimes I'd wonder what that makes of me. Again I didn't want to know.

Everything felt so right yet so wrong.  I keep asking myself was I wrong to tell her I love her or I only made a gap between us that nothing could fill. I wanted to know if she loves me too, I was dying to know but I couldn't ask her. I called Sharlene that same night to find out what Paula had told Emily and as I thought it was everything I didn't wish she'd know but now I was scared she'd hate me and I wouldn't have the chance to  call her mine and some other guy would. I was filled with so much hatred for Paula. I knew it wasn't the end of the world but I felt as though I'd lost everything I need for my journey through life.

I felt like someone who was suffering from cancer and slowly they were watching themselves die but then again that's the cold truth about this world.  It's not for the faint hearted, it's either you're strong or you die trying and right now I felt like someone who was dying while trying and I couldn't swallow that . I knew all things come to an end either way you're going bounce to a  hemisphere where it's too hot or too cold for you to survive and whatever God lives out there is going to be there to take what he made . I didn't believe in life after death mainly because if some sort of god was really out there then the world wouldn't be so cruel and people like me wouldn't exist