Your Memory Will Carry On (Mikey Way)

Ray

*Gerard's POV*
You know that saying that says "you don't know what you have until it's gone"? Yeah well that shits true. Christina almost dying made me realize how good she was to me and how shitty I was to her. I couldn't come to terms with knowing that if she died, she would remember me in the afterlife as a shit boyfriend or whatever I was to her. I didn't realize how much I actually did love her until we almost lost her. Apologizing to her at dinner and telling her the truth was so hard because she just looked at me blankly. She didn't know. She doesn't know how bad I fucked her up. I still blame myself a little bit for her suicide attempt. She needed me emotionally and I couldn't be there for her. She asked me if I loved her then, and the answer is no- I didn't love her back then. But she didn't ask me if I love her now, and the answer would be yes- I love her now. I want nothing more than to be the one thing that she clings to. I can be here for her now that I've grown up and pulled my head out of my ass.
As promised, I told Mama Ross about the memory Chris got back and she didn't even care what it was about, she was just glad to hear that Chris's brain was healing. Mikey, however... I thought Mikey was going to grab me by the throat.

Mama Ross left the room, probably to go catch up on some work phone calls. Chris was in the shower. Mikey and I stayed in the kitchen. He was standing over the kitchen sink, arms spread far apart, holding himself up.

"I know you don't like to hear about me and Chris together and I'm sorry." I said. Damn, I'm in a really apologetic mood tonight. Mikey shook his head.

"It's not that. Why did she remember being with you first? All you ever did was hurt her but you're still so important that she remembers you first." Mikey said, turning around to look at me. His cheeks were rosy, like he was about to cry.

"Chris and I did have a lot of big moments together." I told him. I mean, I was Chris's first everything.

"Yeah, but so did we. I don't know. It just sucks realizing I'm not as important to her as I thought I was."

"Mikey, that's not fair. You mean the world to her. You're more important to her than you think." I said in an attempt to comfort him. I know Mikey has feelings for her, but Chris just doesn't feel the same. He told me once that he doesn't care who Chris is with as long as she's with someone who treats her right and makes her happy. Actually, he told me that last night. He said just last night that he still hoped I could treat her right. Would Mikey let me be with her now since I know how precious she is?

"She's only ever wanted you. I don't know why I ever fucking thought she could want me instead." Mikey said, punching the counter.

"Mikey," I said, trailing off. I didn't know how to comfort him. We stayed silent for a couple minutes before I decided to tell Mikey how I feel. "I think I can treat her right."

Mikey looked up at me sharply, staring me right in the face. If looks could kill... "You only want her now because shes not wrapped around your stupid little finger anymore. Don't you fucking dare play these games with her anymore."

*mikey's POV*

I felt sick. Honestly disgusted. I was laying in the middle of my bed, facing a wall.

Gerard and Christina came back after their day together and I could see the looks on their faces. They looked happy together, like they had bonded immensely in just 7 hours together. I just wanted it to be me. And then they told us the epiphany that Chris had while she was with Gee. Of all the damn things she could remember. She remembers the one thing that makes me want to throw up. I hate picturing Gerard with her like that.

Yeah, great, Chris remembered something. But why did it have to be that? I feel like I'm losing her all over again. Why couldn't she remember me first? Why couldn't she remember the way I held her when Gerard told her he didn't want her? Why couldn't she remember all the times I held her head up when she cried so hard over Gerard she threw up in a toilet? Why couldn't she remember the way I pulled her over the railing when she decided she didn't want anything anymore? Was I that insignificant in her life?