Your Memory Will Carry On (Mikey Way)

Downfall

That night, after Ray left, my mom asked if just the two of us could go out to dinner. I agreed, seeing as she flew entirely across the country to be with me. Yet, something felt off... like I wasn't supposed to be alone with her. I was always really close with my dad when I was a kid, and I never really bonded with my mom.

There was a little restaurant called Samantha's that was right across the street from Gerard and Mikey's apartment (well I guess it's mine too now). Mikey said they served typical diner food. Mom and I left, and we sat down at a table. We made small talk until we ordered, and then we talked some more while we waited.

"I really enjoyed being here with you these last few weeks. I wish it were under better circumstances, but I'll take whatever time I can get with you." My mom said, while reaching for my hand across the table. I let her hold my hand for a few seconds until I felt uncomfortable.

"I liked having you here. I would've been so confused waking up in the hospital without you. You were the only face I recognized." I answered. For a mother whose daughter just went through something super traumatic, you'd think she would've tried to be more involved in her recovery. Instead, she let her daughter's friends take the lead. I guess it just goes to show the kind of relationship between us. It makes it quite clear to me who really wants to take care of me.

Maybe that's why I formed such a close bond with the boys- because my mother didn't take care of me and I needed someone to be close for my emotional health.

"That's why I flew out here. In case something like this happened. Mikey and Gerard told me you were unconscious and I'm your only relative so I had to be here in case something bad happened. Nobody knew if you'd wake up, and nobody knew that if you woke up, whether or not you'd have a brain injury." Mom said next, which kind of rubbed me the wrong way. That didn't necessarily sound like she flew out here because she cared, she flew out here because she felt obligated to.

"You didn't need to come. The boys take good care of me here." I said dismissively, with a small smile, trying to let her know that if she didn't want to be there for me, she didn't have to. Not once since I woke up in the hospital did I ever feel like I needed her, and I think that ties back to the way our relationship was before my accident, though I didn't know what that was.

"I know they do, but sometimes I'd worry about you. 'Cause you know, moving across the country to follow a boy isn't always the smartest choice." Mom answered quickly. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. I could feel my cheeks starting to burn with frustration.

"I didn't follow anybody out here. I came to California because I wanted a fresh start, not because I wanted to follow Gerard." I spat, failing at controlling my anger. In my heated state, I started to remember having a fight like this with my mom. I could picture the two of us standing in a hallway and screaming at each other. My hair was red. She was wearing a blouse with dress pants, either coming home or leaving for work. I remember telling her that she only acted like she cared about me when other people were around because she wanted to make herself look better. She wanted people to think we were a storybook family. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and that she just used me for attention and money. I told her the only reason she wanted me around was because I was a paycheck to her. She was a widow with a young daughter and too many bills. She told me that she worked non-stop to make ends meet and that she didn't have time to go out of her way to make sure I knew how she felt, that I should appreciate all she does for me and not cause any extra problems.

"Chris." My mother said, pulling me out of my memories. I looked her in the eyes and understood why I felt uncomfortable with her. When it was just the two of us, she didn't have time for me. When other people were involved, it was important that they thought we were close. She came to California not because she was worried about me, she came to California because she wanted her coworkers to see that her daughter was in a serious accident and she wanted people to feel bad for her.