That Pivotal Moment

Chapter 32

"The past is never dead. It's not even past."-William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

Gabby

One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, was walking away from Hayden Price. It's not something I regret, because it was necessary for me to better myself. After everything my father had done, I didn't know who I was. I was emotionally and mentally scarred from the many years of physical and verbal abuse. Which apparently caused what my shrink called, "Battered Person Syndrome".

After that day in the park, I knew I needed help. I couldn't go on feeling like I wasn't worth anything, like I didn't deserve happiness. Even though Hayden always treated me unconditionally well, that feeling was burned into my psyche.

It wasn't a way to live, not if I wanted a normal life. Well, as normal as I could. Most definitely, not if I wanted Hayden in my life.

It wasn't even just Hayden that I wanted to improve my relationship with. I wanted to be a real sister to Alex, not just a caregiver. Not just someone who made sure he had food and didn't get beat up by our father. But a real sister. He took it a little hard after I ended it with Hayden, mainly because I took off and stayed away for a little while, trying to get my life back on track.

Luckily, I had been far enough along in school to just take my final exams and graduate early. Then I started seeing Dr. Klein twice a week. She helped me understand a lot of issues I didn't realize I had. For starters, my nightmares, trouble sleeping, irritability, and irrational thinking was due to PTSD.

She also walked me through the steps to help me get past the abuse. One of the hardest was accepting my role in the abuse. Not that it was my fault, because it wasn't, but that I was afraid to do anything about it. It also helped me see that now, as an adult, I refuse to allow that to happen again. From anyone. Once I got past this step, I started to feel freer.

Another hard thing for me was forgiveness. I had trouble understanding what the doctor wanted. But she explained it to me in a simple way. She said I didn't have to actually speak to my dad. Forgiving the accuser is a way for me to move on and look forward. I ended up writing this down, then tearing it up. I started to use journaling as a way to help me ease my troubled mind and put it on paper. After all of this, I realized that I wasn't to blame for any of it. I realized that I was so much stronger than I thought I was. Most importantly, I was ready to live my life again.

About a month ago, she told me it would have been a good idea for me to reach out to Hayden. Hearing her say that was like a punch to my gut. Of course, I still loved him and wanted to see him, but I was terrified.

Since our split, I'd asked Alex multiple times if Hayden was doing okay, and his response was almost always yes. But I never asked more beyond that. So now, hearing that I was ready to reach back out to him made me wonder if he even wanted to see me.

For all I know, he may have moved on or might even have a girlfriend, and I can't blame him for it if he does. So, this brings me to this exact moment, as I'm sitting in my car outside of his apartment in Athens, Georgia. I've been sitting here for two hours trying to get up the courage to get out and knock on his door.

"Don't be a coward," I said to myself. "If he's moved on, then you need to know."

Don't be a coward.

Don't be a coward

DON'T BE A COWARD.

"Okay," I said to myself yet again as I unbuckled my seatbelt and finally got out of the car. "Here goes everything."