Destiel AU

Stargazing

a/n: yo um sorry life's been hectic and crazy and whatever but i'm here now and here's an update! sorry it took so long, but the encouragement really means a ton. you guys are hella sweet and wonderful and awesome and yeah okay here's an update ^_^
Cas led Dean through the muffled atmosphere of the living room and up a set of creaky stairs, holding his hand tightly the entire way. They walked upstairs and turned a few hallways until Cas announced that they were in his room. Dean's stomach flipped. He knew he was assuming a lot here, but he also knew he was at a party and he knew he was kinda drunk and he knew what kind of boy Cas was and the idea of what standing in Cas' bedroom could mean slightly terrified Dean. Cas seemed to notify Dean's blanched expression and laughed easily. His smile was so genuine and contagious that Dean felt himself relax a little.
"Dude, don't worry," Cas grinned. "It's just a room, you don't have to sleep with me if you don't want to." Dean guessed that the wink Castiel had thrown in after that statement was a tease, but it still made his stomach drop. Cas let go of Dean's hand, clambering over the crowded and cramped space that was his room. It really wasn't much- a mattress lying on the floor with a sheet crumpled up at the end, and almost every inch of floor space covered by dirty laundry and cigarette butts. Dean vaguely wondered how Cas hadn't managed to burn his house down. His room alone was a humongous fire hazard.
From the other side of the room, Cas waved his arm to beckon Dean over. "Come on," he said, feigning impatience. Dean tried to recreate Cas' carefully planned footsteps through the minefield that was his room, but failed entirely. He tripped over himself and would have fallen face first had Cas not caught him under the shoulders. Cas pulled him up, and Dean was all at once aware of how close they were. He could practically count Cas' eyelashes at his current distance, and something in him wanted to close whatever space was left between them. But Cas just smiled (Dean didn't think he'd ever seen Cas smile as much as he had in the past twenty minutes) and laughed softly, turning away from Dean and opening the window behind him. Cold air washed into the room, prickling Dean's skin. He was suddenly glad he'd decided to wear a cardigan.
"Cas," Dean said cautiously. "Where are we going?" Cas smirked and widened his eyes dramatically.
"Up." He stood on the windowsill and expertly hoisted himself up to the roof, leaving Dean standing alone and confused in his room. He stood there in Cas' room for a second before Cas hung his head over the side of the roof and peered curiously at Dean. "You coming?"
Dean gave Cas an apprehensive look. "I don't think I can get up there..." he trailed off. "I mean I have zero upper body strength." Cas laughed heartily and Dean twisted his foot into the floor.
"Here, I'll help you." Dean looked doubtfully at the boy on the roof, but Cas just nodded confidently and dammit, Dean trusted him. He dragged himself up onto the window ledge, clinging to whatever he could for support. He slowly turned around himself so he was facing the house. He'd survived so far, which was a miracle in itself. The only thing left to do was pull himself up onto the roof. Cas stretched out his hands, and Dean took them, letting Cas pull him up until his feet touched the shingles of the roof. "See!" Cas exclaimed once he'd caught his balance. "You made it!"
Dean was kind of shaken up, both from the sudden cold and the dizzying height, but he smiled at Cas. "Yeah, I guess I did." He stood there awkwardly, still unsure why they were on the roof in the first place. Cas sat on the slanted roof beneath their feet, patting a spot next to him. Dean took the hint and sat next to Cas, pulling his legs into his chest so he wouldn't freeze.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, Cas seeming completely content to just sit up there and look at the stars with Dean. It was a pretty night, crisp and clear, the cold somehow making the pinpricks of light in the sky more vivid. But Dean wasn't really keen on staring at nothing, so his attention ended up drifting to Castiel. He was leaning back next to Dean, his knees propped up loosely in front of him and his hands spread out behind him to support his weight. In the moonlight his eyes glowed, outlined by smudged eyeliner and avidly scanning the sky above him, captivated by the stars. He was gorgeous. Dean sighed, his breath frosting in front of his face. Dean brightened at the frost and exhaled again, and Castiel laughed at him. It wasn't harsh or cruel like Dean would have expected. He laughed admiringly, lovingly even. Dean's cheeks flushed against the cold.
"Cas?" Dean said, not knowing where his conversation was going but knowing he needed to start one. Cas grunted in response, apparently too punk for words. Dean searched his brain for a topic that wouldn't make him seem like a total dork and finally came to Charlie. "How do you know Charlie?"
"Bradbury?" Cas asked, voice made husky by the cold. Dean nodded. "She dated my sister Anna for a while. She's pretty cool."
"Did they break up?" Dean pressed.
"I think so. I mean, I have a lot of siblings, I get confused sometimes." Cas laughed at himself, a little harshly. Dean was almost afraid to keep asking questions but he figured talking to Cas beat sitting silently in the cold, so he kept going.
"Really?" he turned to Cas, who was still looking at the sky. "I only have one brother, but my dad's not around, so I pretty much take care of him." Cas made a humming sound in the back of his throat, acknowledging Dean.
"Yeah, my dad's not around a lot either." His expression hardened, eyes coldly staring into space and a grimace on his face. "My siblings don't really give a shit about each other."
Not knowing exactly what to say, Dean murmured a tiny "I'm sorry." Cas laughed again, and Dean decided that Cas' laugh was either magical or terrifying. This time it was verging on terrifying.
"Don't be. It sucks a lot when your dad just gives up on you and the rest of your family for no good reason, but whatever right? It's not like we can fix it."
"You could-" Dean started, about to suggest the same principles of brotherhood that helped him raise Sammy, but he was cut off.
"No, we can't," Cas yelled, turning to stare at Dean. The intensity of his voice was matched by his eyes. "My brother Lucifer tried. And then Michael came and- listen, I really don't want to talk about this, okay?"
"Okay," Dean squeaked, looking shyly away from Cas and back to the dark sky. He dug his nails into his palm and curled his toes, cringing at how terribly he'd just messed up. Castiel was talking to him! They were having real conversations and everything was going amazingly, but then Dean kept pushing for answers and Cas snapped. Sadly, he turned to look at Cas, wondering if he'd ruined everything.
Cas' whole body was tense, his jaw set and his fists clenched. Dean wanted to reach out and touch him, but he was afraid that Cas might hit him on instinct. Instead, Dean reached out in a different way.
"Cas?" he said quietly. In one fluent and abrupt movement, Cas turned to Dean and took his face in his hands, pulling him in so their lips met. Dean's eyes popped open, seeing none other than Castiel Novak kissing him. He didn't know how or why Cas was kissing him, but he closed his eyes and remembered to kiss back. The kiss was slow and meaningful, like Cas was trying to suck out Dean's soul through his mouth. Dean couldn't feel his hands because it was so cold, but that didn't seem to matter because they'd found their way to Cas' hair. Somehow Cas' hands were warm on Dean's face, holding on to Dean's cheeks like they were the only thing tethering him to the earth.
Cas pulled away from Dean, eyeing him with a kind of fond sadness. Something was swelling up in Dean's stomach, either love or vomit, he wasn't sure. Cas looked him over, silently debating something. Eventually, he sighed.
"You should go," he said in a strained voice. Cas had completely deflated. Dean blinked at him uncomprehendingly.
After a few seconds of silence, Dean spoke up, his voice coming out as more of a desperate plead than the sane reasoning he'd tried for. "Wait, Cas, what?"
"Go home Dean." He had gone back to staring hardly at the sky, avoiding Dean's watering eyes. "You should leave."
That had to be wrong. That just wasn't right. Everything was going fine, well even. Dean wasn't the most receptive kid out there, but even he knew that Cas was sending him all the right signals, smirking and winking and looking genuinely happy. Not to mention actually kissing him! A few seconds ago, they had both undoubtedly and wholeheartedly wanted this, whatever "this" was leading up to be. But now Cas wouldn't even look at him and his eyes were clouded with, with Dean didn't even know what. Tiredness? Anger? Regret? Dean couldn't place it, but he knew he didn't like it.
"Cas, I-"
"Just. This isn't right. Not now at least. I don't want to- listen Dean, just go." Dean stared at Cas for another moment before blinking. What did he do wrong? Has he pushed too hard with the family thing? Was Dean not a good enough kisser for Cas? Or did Cas just decide that Dean wasn't the right guy? Dean stood up, sniffling because of the cold, not because he wanted to cry. He shuffled to the edge of the roof and lingered for a second, hoping Cas would look back and change his mind. But Cas kept staring at the sky and dug around in his pocket for a cigarette. Dean blinked back real tears and dropped down from the roof, sliding into the window.
He was surprised at how easily he got back into the house considering the amount of alcohol he'd consume and the emotional trauma he was going through. He walked out of Cas' room and back into the party, wanting nothing more than to leave. Charlie slid up to him, her eyes pitying but her smirk smug.
"Hey champ, you okay?" she inclined. Dean huffed.
"Charlie, I don't really want to talk about it."
Charlie nodded. "Ah, I get it. Castiel, right? Sorry man, that sucks. I kinda guessed that was gonna happen."
Dean cocked his head, confused. "You guessed?" he repeated.
Charlie shook her head sadly. "Yeah. Here, let's go home. I'll let you crash at my place and I can explain on the way." Dean nodded, walking outside with Charlie's arm slung around his shoulder.
They got to the Impala, Dean only handing Charlie the keys when she swore on the Millennium Falcon that she was going to be careful with Baby. He fell into the passenger's seat, a dull throbbing pulsing in his head. Charlie started the engine and backed out onto the street before glancing at Dean.
"So," she exhaled. "He took you up to the roof?"
Dean turned to her sharply, wondering how she knew. "Um yeah?" he said, his voice pitching up at the end. "How'd you-"
Charlie cut him off with a laugh. "I'm not gonna say I told you so."
"Charlie, I don't-" Dean kept trying to express his confusion, but Charlie kept interrupting.
"Dean, he takes everyone up there. He finds the cutest person at his party, takes them to the roof, kisses them, and then breaks their heart. You must have caught his attention tonight. Sorry bro. Don't feel bad, I mean it's just what he does for fun." Dean shouldn't be as shocked as he is. He knew Cas was a jerk, but could he actually be that horrible? What they did together felt good, it felt real. They talked about things that mattered and things that didn't matter and everything in between, and Cas had had this sparkle in his eyes that Dean didn't know could be faked.
Dean wanted to protest. He wanted to scream, wanted to hit something, wanted to cry. But instead he just looked at the road in front of him and asked, "How do you know all this?"
"I dated Anna a while back. You start learning things about a guy when you date his sister." She waved him off. "That's not important. What is important is that you calm down. I mean Dean, it's ok. Or I mean it will be. Castiel isn't anything special. You don't really need him."
But Dean was shaking his head because Cas was special. He was funny and smart and amazing and wonderful and he was a side of life Dean had never seen and it was entrancing. Dean didn't want to be needy or clingy or desperate for Cas, but he was, he was exactly all of those things. And on top of those things, he was tired and drunk and scared. Dean hated that he actually had feelings for this asshole. What he hated even more of was the fact that despite what Charlie had just told him, he still had feelings for this asshole.
Charlie pulled into her driveway and walked Dean into her house, unceremoniously dumping him on the couch. He curled in on himself and Charlie ran to get him a blanket and some water. Dean gladly took both and fell asleep, wishing he could forget the way Cas' lips tasted.