Collections of Poems and Songs Volume Two

To Be Okay

I wish to be okay

But my demons still like to play their games

After all these years you still have a grip on me

I'm a slave to you, the child in me can't help it

For though you didn't give me my first breath-

You gave me life

I am not ungrateful for your gift to me

I had a disease I didn't know was hurting me

There was this buzz in my skull I couldn't find

I wish we were okay

I want so badly to feel safe with you again

To have you call me your child still

I'm sorry that I was too broken when you found me

I never meant for my inside pain to spread to you

You didn't deserve my demons to be put on you

You didn't deserve another child who got overwhelmed over nothing

And now that we know the name of why I'm like this

All I want is to reach out and beg for forgiveness

But it's too late

I'm not your child now or ever

I wish you were okay

I know you look at my place at the table and see my phantom

Feeling the guilt of cutting out the toxicity I brought to your home

You know I'm floundering about, lost

But you can't do anything about it because I'm not yours

Anymore now that I've grown

And the distance you set between us was to protect your heart

As you turn into the mother you never thought you would be

I wish the world were okay

Because then we would have known earlier

To not feel like idiots for not seeing sooner

That the days I'd spend alone were me trying to cope

With the name of feelings I never knew were there

The world didn't teach us the words we needed

To connect the way we wanted to

Therefore I know we couldn't see the answer so obvious

It was in front of us, the picture so close

I wish to not feel blame

I want you to know that as much as I love you

The anger of the past still has me in chains

Which is not to say I'm raging against the person you've become

But rather the person you wished I could have been

Because if we had known from the start that I wasn't broken

If we had seen that my pain did in fact have a cause

I'd still be with you and under your wing

I wish you didn't feel guilt

Because we both know that the knowledge of the past

Is dim in comparison to what we've discovered in the future

How can we expect to know then what we know now

When we aren't in the same states as before

The rift between us is not your fault

You did the best you could with what you had

And having one more child with the inability to communicate

The difficulty with expressing their inside pain

Was too much for your shoulders at the time

I wonder how strong your shoulders are now

I wish I were okay

I wish I had your guidance as I navigate adulthood

With new lenses to see that my broken back places are just shadows

Shadows of who I was supposed to be had we known

I want to be the person you saw that I could be

To say you were my role model is an understatement

I looked at you as if you were the sun shining down on me

When you rescued me at first I was scared

I regret not having the words to show you the fear gently

Instead of shouting it out of my lungs and cutting it into my skin

That even now those habits haunt me

Those demons persist harder than before that I go

Because even with this new name and discovered identity

With the freedom and the kingdom that I have built

All that I see is what I destroyed and burned to get here