Broken Binds (Kiribaku)

Army Green Blanket

Trigger Warning: talk of Anxiety and Eating Disorders 

Kirishima's P.O.V

   The day was relaxing and full of anxiety at the same time. It was strange. It was nice and sweet but also weird. Well no, it felt weird in his arms. Snuggling him was strange. I wasn't sure I fully liked it. Maybe it was that I was close to him or something else I couldn't pinpoint but it was weird. And nice. And I don't know how to feel. Pulling away from him, I sit back up, sniffling a little before going back to the show. 

    It was so nice to have a day with someone that wouldn't judge you. Especially when you consider that person a friend. I ended up falling asleep on the couch because the next this I know, I'm cuddled up in a fluffy army green blanket and a few pillows, my binder is off, and I see a small sticky note on the table. Picking up the bright pink sticky note, I read the neat handwriting.

   'So, I went to work around  seven for a few extra hours. I made ramen for you. It's in the microwave. Don't put your binder on again no matter how bad you want to. If the feeling gets too much, call me. Don't forget your alarm. See you when I'm off at eleven.'

                     -Bakugou                    xxx-xxx-xxxx

    Taking in my surroundings better, I smell the spices of ramen from the kitchen and I check the time. Eight thirty. Stretching my arms, I get off the couch and walk to the small kitchen where I find the ramen in the microwave, still warm with a few spices mixed in. Taking it back to the couch, I wrap myself in the army green blanket again. It was soft and warm and had a faint smell of caramel and cinnamon mixed with a men's cologne. It was comforting. Turning the show back on, I inhaled the scent again, smiling a little to myself. I turned the show back on, eating the ramen noodles in satisfaction while I started season two. 

   But there was something missing. My chest didn't feel right. I wanted it to but I didn't. Ignoring it, I kept watching the show and eating, letting it distract my mind from my chest. It just felt wrong. Finishing my ramen noodles, I placed the bowl in the sink and searched the pantry for another thing to eat not being satisfied with just the noodles. Grabbing one of the small chip bags, I open it and begin to eat them at the counter, watching the show from the kitchen. Finishing the bag, I throw it away quickly and hurriedly go to the couch again to snuggle the blanket. What was it about it that I liked so much?

   Deciding to take a shower, I switch the tv to YouTube and put on a playlist, letting Cavetown fill the small dorm. 'This is home' was the first song that came on as I quietly hummed along to the rhythm, letting the acoustic guitar calm my nerves. Turning on the shower, I grab some clothes from my room along with a towel and start my shower. It was nice at first until I felt them again. I hated it so much. Washing out the conditioner from my hair, I rinse the soap off my body, grabbing the towel as soon as I turned the water off. 

   Wrapping it around me, I felt my chest tighten and squish in and it felt nice. Running to my room with dripping wet hair, I threw on the skin colored binder and dried my body before putting my hair up. It felt nice to have it back on but it still didn't calm me down. It almost felt worse but I refused to take it off. It felt nice and bad at the same time and I hated it. Breathing heavy, I put on the rest of my clothes and went back to the living room. I felt nice and clean but then felt dirty and weird. I hate this feeling. I hate my chest. I hate my body. I hate this. I hate me.

   Running back to the bathroom, I puked up my food from earlier. It stung my throat a lot and made me want to do it more. Sticking my fingers in the back of my throat, more food came up and it stung less. It felt nice. I continued to do it until tears fell down my cheeks and there was no food left to puke up. I felt empty and full in a weird way at the same time. I felt good and bad. I felt happy and sad. I don't know what was happening. Walking to the living room, I sat back on the couch and listened to the music over and over again, letting the soft melody and rhythm flow through the house. Humming to the song, I stopped after a minute the humming hurting my throat and causing more tears to stream down my cheeks. 

   Turning the music to random videos on YouTube, I tried to forget about the situation while I snuggled farther into the couch, the soft blanket wrapped around me. It felt like a cloud and smelled so safe and calming. The second it made contact with my arms, I felt safe. Continuing to watch videos one after another, nothing breaks my stare from the screen until the door opens. Turning to sit up I look back at the door ready to greet him. "Hey Kirishima I'm back." He said, setting his lanyard on the table by the door. Waving a little at him, I paused the tv and stared at him from the couch. Giving him a small smile he frowns looking at me. "What did I tell you? You should have called me. Take your binder off." He said, his voice stern and full of worry. 

   "What do you mean?" I said, hugging the blanket closer to my chest and inhaling the scent letting it calm me. "Your binder. Off. Now." He said, crashing  on the couch besides me. "Why." I said, hugging my chest and backing up a little. "Because it isn't safe." He said, now sounding angry. Ripping it off, I threw it on the ground beside me and wrapped the blanket around my chest making the bulge in my shirt less noticeable. Sighing, he walked to the bathroom for a second before he came back out immediately. "Kirishima are you okay?" He asked, coming over to feel my forehead. "You aren't warm. Did you puke earlier?" He asked, setting beside me again. "Yeah." I said simply, my throat hurting too much to speak properly. "Why." He asked, not letting me explain before looking at me again. "I don't know. It just happened" I said, snuggling into the army green blanket. After he went to his room and changed, he came back to the living room and sat on the couch, grabbing me and letting me hug his chest, curled up like a small cat. He smelled like caramel and cinnamon and that men's cologne. He smelled like that army green blanket I liked so much. He smelled nice and sweet. He smelled safe.

Bakugou's Top Fund (For Kirishima): $700.00