Macto

1; The Permanency of Goodbye

She left three days after my 12th birthday.

The purple Gap sweater that she adored irritated my arms and I remember constantly picking at it. I had to remind myself that I put it on for her. Because she loved it.

I sat patiently in our little apartment on the off skirts of New York City with my only source of heat being from the steaming hot cocoa in my hands. And that damn sweater. To this day, the damn thing sits in my closet untouched. There is still a part of me that cannot seem to let go.

She had promised to be home before four. The kitchen clock read 4:26 and I felt my heart sink a little deeper. She had never been one to be one time though, even at 12 I knew that.

At the time, it was uncommon for a prepubescent girl to have a cell phone, so I couldn't call her. And we couldn't afford to keep the home phone service. When I asked why my friends couldn't call our house anymore while pointing to the empty space where the chunky white phone usually sat, she shot me a weak smile and her eyes crinkled slightly. Even though it wasn't a strong grin, she meant it. She simply replied, "I love you, I love you so much and I promise you I will never stop trying to give you the best life I can," and completely disregarded my question. It didn't make sense then, but I put the pieces together later.

Anyway.

The minutes ticked by like molasses and the sun drooped lower in the distant sky. My posture began to fail in the chair and my eyes followed the actions of the setting sun.

8:58. Completely engulfed in a sea of blackness, I shot up in confusion. The lights didn't even have to be turned on to know that the house was untouched and she still wasn't here. Hot tears full of disappointment and worry ran down my face. I think that was the last time I cried soulfully.

Unlike the other kids, I felt a sense of security and peacefulness sitting in the darkness. No one could see me cry, or point out my flaws, or notice that I was there. And for me, that was great.

After some time, I made my way through the lifeless room and turned on the lights. Reality set in again as I had to face the fact that she hadn't come home. This wasn't the first time, but something told me this was different.

I noticed the cake from my birthday, withering away on the counter. When I asked her why we didn't put it in the fridge, her eyes glossed over and I could feel the sense of embarrassment coming from her.

She just told me that she loved me, again.

"Happy Birthda Brita"

She had playfully scowled at me when I licked the "y" icing.

The second thing I noticed, was a yellow sheet of paper. The same paper that Santa and the elves had used to write me letters. Hmm..

"My dearest Brita,

My baby, my world. You're much too young to know the harsh reality of the situation around us. I always promised you I would try my hardest to give you the best life I can. I intend to keep that promise, even if it means i can't be with you.."

Something inside of me broke without warning.

"I will come back for you. I swear. I need to fight for you. You deserve to have a life full of ease and smiles and happiness. I can't give that to you right now. This is the worst thing I've ever had to do, but I promise it will be worth it. I'll be back for you. Be good to dad. I love you with all my soul. I'll look at the moon whenever I miss you my sweet girl. You're my everything and one day we will be together again, hopefully that day is not too far away. You have to trust me that this is the best thing I can do for you right now.

all of my love, Mommy"

And that was the day everything went down.