Ticci-Toby x reader

(3) Useless

(A/N): So, I have a few warnings for this oneshot which will be listed below. But I'm mainly writing this as a vent for my own negative emotions, because depression sucks. Hopefully this will help out anyone else that has depression as well.

Warnings:
~Self-harm
~Suicidal topics
~Mild blood

You let out a loud groan as you closed your door behind you, the familiar sight of your small apartment making you nauseous. You hated coming home just to be alone; You had been out running some errands for your family, and even though your family could get on your nerves, at least it kept you distracted from your emotions.

Now, you were alone, like every other day.

You made your way to the couch and sat down, grabbing the remote to turn the TV on to have some background noise so it wasn't so quiet.

After a moment, you leaned on the arm of the couch, propping your head up on your hand as you began to think. You'd never been that productive in life, and you felt utterly useless and hopeless. You doubted things were going to get better, and you couldn't see your life getting any better from here. You hardly had the motivation to get out of bed most days, and you had stopped socializing with most of the people you used to love talking to, even your online friends.

A small ding from your phone pulled you from your thoughts, and you sighed before pulling it from your coat pocket. The message was from one of your friends, Toby; Or, more like your closest friend and crush. No one else in your life like your family or other friends had met him, because it was too risky for Toby to be out in public or around others, since he was a wanted criminal, being a killer and all.

Any normal person would be terrified to be friends with someone like Toby, but with the lack of care for your own life, you somehow befriended him when you ran into him one night while walking in town. You had nearly stumbled into the road after losing your footing, and he had grabbed you and pulled you out of danger without thinking. 

You recognized him immediately from the news, and you had surprised him when you thanked him instead of turning and running. 

The message from him read Hey, do you want to hang out later? I'm so tired of being around Ben and Jeff, I need a break.

You let out a quiet laugh. If you had to deal with those two all the time, you knew you'd probably get irritated fast too. You typed out the response: Maybe, I'm not feeling too great right now though, so I may not be that entertaining to be around.

It wasn't long before you got another text: Oh, are you sick? And you're interesting to be around no matter what kind of mood you're in.

Not sick, just not feeling great mentally right now. After you sent the response, you set your phone down. You didn't really feel like texting too much right now; your thoughts were a mess, and you didn't want to give too much away. Toby might be the one who would get upset the most if something happened to you, but you knew he would get over it pretty quickly.

After sitting and thinking for a few more minutes, you ignored the notification on your phone and got up, leaving your phone on the couch and headed to the bathroom.

You pulled out your pocket knife, silently cursing yourself for letting yourself get this bad emotionally. You pulled up your sleeve, revealing the faint scars that already covered your arm from your wrist to elbow. You hadn't self-harmed in years, and you'd hoped you'd never want to again, but the urge was too hard to ignore now.

You used your knife on your wrists, enjoying the sting of the fresh cuts. The pain seemed to take your mind off of your emotions in the past, but right now it didn't seem as satisfying as it used to be. It's not enough...? You blinked, watching as the blood dripped down your arms from the many fresh injuries. In the past, you had always been too afraid to do much more than cut, and you never cut deep enough to put your life in danger, and that was mostly out of fear. Back then, you didn't want to die, you just wanted to feel something other than sadness, so you'd just let some physical pain do the trick; But now, as you thought of an endless sleep, there wasn't any fear, only longing.