Past doesn't matter (Levi x OC x Erwin) AU/modern +18

Chapter 27: More than just a crush? Pt. 1

Hey guys! Theres a BIG change coming with this chapter! Well...dunno if its THAT big actually, but you'll see.

So...the change is, Im switching from the "You"-point of view, to the "I"-POV....because its easier and more comfortable in the end. I will rework the past chapters bit by bit in the future, but from this chap on, it will be I, who will think, talk and explain around ;)

I had SO much fun writing this chapter. More fun than I expected, and It really excited me like nothing before in a long time! I hope you like it too <3

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After the long and hard inner discussion with myself, I got into my car to drive back to Erwin's place again. I can't let it end like this, or whatever it feels like now. It feels like...as if something very important to me would end If I dont go back, and despite my newly regained composure and bravery, this was what Im terribly afraid of. Even if I'm full of fears and doubts, even if Im certain that Erwin doesn't want to see me again after what happened hours ago...I have to try to bring a clearing conversation down. To know where we stand and how this should go on. IF it will go on.

But whatever conclusion might come out, Levi has to know. He will notice that somethings wrong anyways. Like Erwin, he's able to read me like an open book, and if he keeps asking the same question over and over again, asking me to vent or to just spit it out already, sooner or later, I would break, and then the whole shit will come down. And all on me, that's for sure. As much as I fear to lose Erwin, one way or another, the bigger fear right now is about Levi to find out on his own and get the most wrong intentions ever.

We, and this means Erwin and me, have to sort things out, and then, we have to tell Levi. Together. Shit, Im so damn afraid of his reaction that I don't even want to think about how to come up with an explanation. I mean...how do you explain to your boyfriend, which you love with all you've got, that you also might have feelings for another guy? And that this "other" guy was his best friend? Damn it's all so twisted and turned, that I really had a hard time to believe that it's my life we're talking about. Months ago, I would've been happy and satisfied if there was a simple and solid relationship with a guy who won't feel annoyed by me. Turned out that my life became WAY more exciting and thrilling to me by dating Levi. Too much, for my taste, but its too late now. Plus: I would miss something by now if all this unexpected trouble would disappear for good.

Not to mention the coming conversation with Erwin, if he wants to talk to me. I really slapped him. He deserved it, there's no doubt, but I can't shush my ringing alarm bell that it was a mistake. No one should hit his friend, but what Erwin did was also part of the list of what friends shouldn't do to each other. So I guess, we're even. Anyways....I'll have to apologize. Another good reason to go back to him, but what will happen then?

What happened...I can't put it in words. My insides are still tightened into a thick bundle of flesh, I can't breathe properly and when I think back to it, I feel my face, hands, feet growing cold. So right now. Even with my winter cloak on, Im freezing. A bitter, crouching inner cold that spreads into the deepest muscles and nerves, and involuntarily, Im shaking. From the cold, and fear. I lived with this feeling long enough and I know when I'm afraid of something.

When I arrive at Erwin's place, will he continue where he stopped? I can't say, but I want to believe so hard that he is back to his former self. The caring, loving and comforting friend, with a silly joke on his lips, but there's one thing I can't deny, and this realization hurts like a knife in my heart: Erwin manhandled the deep trust you used to have in him.