『like im dreaming』- SoraMafu OneShots

Nonsensical Worries [A]

Angst? Well it's definitely not fluff...
Commitment or rejection, which is worse? Getting something and losing it? Or never having it in the first place?

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"Soraru-San."

I look up from my phone to the person beside me, standing up. I pause my game and set it down on the couch and look up at him fully,
"Yeah?"
He seems apprehensive, looking away awkwardly,
"I think we should break up."
His eyes never meet mine. My heart twists inside out along with my stomach. Somehow it hurts to breathe.
"Huh?"
Is all I managed to muster out to him, my voice came out choked, like a burning rock was in my throat causing a uncomfortable and painful feeling in my throat.

He looked at me and put on a fake smile,
"It just isn't working."
He said to me, I wanted to deny it but I couldn't— I couldn't even breathe. He smiled sadly at me when a few seconds of silenced passed.
"I think all I had for you was admiration. Or just a close friendship but because I desired a lover and intimacy I assumed I had a crush on you."

My heart felt like it stopped, I felt my eyes start to water. Surely that can't be true? Did I do something wrong? Did I not love you enough mafu?
"...I—"
"I also think we should disband After the Rain."
I tried to talk but mafu interrupted me. My heart clenched. I... couldn't handle not being romantically with mafumafu. But I truly do love him.. it's okay for him to move on, love anything even if it's not me.. but no after the rain?

"And I think we should stop being friends."
He said softly, looking away again. He was treating me like a child. Like a aunt breaking it to the child their parents are gone after a tragedy. He played with the hems of the cute oversized sweaters he'd always wear.
But heart ached unbearably in pain, I couldn't breathe and everything is suffocating. Wait wait. Not yet!-
"I mean.. our fans might get really sad and I don't want that... so we can fake a friendship. But staying as after the rain might be... a little too much for me."
It hurt. Please stop.
He looked back at me with pity in his eyes. He bent down and folded his hands together, he looked straight at the ground, bowing to me.

"I'm sorry if you feel as though i used you and played your feelings, Soraru-San."
He apologized deeply, I wanted to reply but my throat kept burning, my eyes blurring from tears,
"I know you became friends with me out of pity. As well as became my boyfriend out of pity too. So it shouldn't be too hard to forget about me."
He slowly rose up, his eyes glossy, his expression unreadable,
"I'll be leaving now."

I woke up in a cold sweat, raising my body fast up, almost getting whip lash in return. The morning sun shined through the blinds of the small window. I panted even though the dream I just had didn't have any scary monsters chasing me. I looked at my hands, and sighed, trying to catch my breath. I brushed my hair back with my right hand closing my eyes trying to regain my composure. My cheeks felt wet too.. did I cry in real life? How embarrassing.

I whipped the tears away, getting rid of the evidence. I plop my head back down on the soft pillows. It was probably only seven-ish but I had no reason to fall back asleep.
"What even was that dream...?"
I complain out loud.
It really makes no sense. Mafumafu and I... we aren't a "thing." We're just friends and.. partners, yes. But not in the romantic way. Do I.. want us to be more...? No! I like it the way it is now. But...
I groan loudly covering my eyes with my hands. How annoying. He's so annoying. My feelings are so annoying.
I do like him... I really, really like him. Even that's an understatement... I've fallen deeply in love with this guy in almost no time. It's an inconvenience. I know he wouldn't be weirded out too much by the my confession... but I'm sure he doesn't feel the same. He's so kind he just agree to make me feel good.

But I don't want that. I want him to be happy. Even if I can't be apart of it. That's why love is right? It hurts though.. I want to be close with him in those ways. I wanna hug him without us getting stares or weird looks. I wanna hold his hand in public or anywhere without getting judged. I guess some people still find people like me... weird. I've never been interested in boys before him though... I always had crushes on girls.. I never was in love though.

I groan slightly sliding my hands down my face and to my chest and laid them on the blanket. I'm scared mostly. What if we didn't work out? We'd end up so far away from each other... we might end our unit or friendship because of it... I can barely stand not being in a romantic relationship with him. I couldn't bear not even being friends anymore. Thats why I'll never confess to him. But I don't have the heart to find someone different. I sigh and toss the blankets off. I might as well start work early.

~~~~~

"Mafumafu."

I look up at the man through my hair, he stood in front of me. He awkwardly stood there, looking away. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I wasn't any good, huh?
"I really admire you to confess to me but... um..."
He never made eye contact he looked sad for me, fully of pity.
But... also disgust.
"..I think it's kinda gross... um... i..."
I felt my heart clench. My stomach churned. I just might throw up what I ate earlier on the floor right now.

I started to cry,
"Soraru-San! Soraru-San! I can forget about my feelings."
I cried out getting closer to him,
"No! I will! Please I'm sorry. I know! I know it's weird... but please..."
I grabbed onto his hoodie jacket,
"Please I promise everything will go back to the way it originally was! Please don't—"
He ripped his hand away from me and backed up,
"Please stay away! I don't think..."
I was shocked, I thought I could talk my way out of it. My heart hurt, it felt like I was suffocating in this huge room. My throat burned intensely. When did my simple crush have so much power over me? I thought I could convince him I could fix it. He looked at me finally, he looked sad and his eyes were full and glossy.
"....I don't think we should be friends anymore."
I felt more silent tears fall down, all their was silence.
He quickly grabbed his bag and phone,
"I'll be leaving. See you around... old partner."
He said, a fake smile plastered on his face. A indirect way to end our friendship and unit in one go. I knew I wouldn't see him again, at least not alone. And he walked out the front door. Leaving me all alone in the living room with my silent tears still spilling out my eyes.

I opened my eyes. My eyes meeting the same ceiling I usually wake up to. I blink a bit, blinking back the tears from the dream. I was already starting to forget that hell of a nightmare. Even if I didn't wake up screaming like old dreams of a certain old friend. Or had a weird confusing dream that inspired a song. It hurt more than them. I close my eyes breathing in softly.
Of course my feelings for soraru-San are still so strong. They only grow stronger too. I wish it would stop. They've gotten out of hand, it's no longer just a crush but full on love they write in the fairytales that get critiques for being so unrealistic.

I sigh softly.
I'll never tell him though... he'd fine me disgusting.. call me gross. Even though soraru-San is so kind. Everyone ones kindness and patience can only go so far. And I've pushed the limits on multiple people before. And it hurts doing so. I don't want our friendship to end, even if it hurts to only stay friends. Even if he loves someone that isn't me. Even if he gets married and has a beautiful wife and cute kids... I can't resent them or him. She would be able to do so much more for him, catch his eye, hold his heart, have his children, love him. I can't do any of that. I'm not a cute girl, I never will be. And even if we all were genderless blobs my personality is still sub par. Millions better at everything than me in this world. I'm Just an annoying friend to him.
So I'll never say a peep. And he'll never notice. I roll over facing the wall, pulling up the blankets. I'll try to sleep a bit more. It's still so early.

__________

For me reading angst is a lot more powerful than writing it. Or maybe my writing is just that bad lol.
This didn't hurt to write really. I imagine one day they might have a happy ending in this. Or maybe they'll both or maybe one will try to move on and end up in a loveless marriage. Like route A and route B. That may be interesting to write.
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Sorry for any spelling errors, typos, wrong words, or grammar mistakes!!
Songs I listened to while writing:
IMAWANOKIWA — lyowa
Word count: 1807