Count To Ten - KiriBaku

Three.

POV : Kirishima. 

Trigger warning: Cutting, suicide references

Three days later, I've descended into what I'd consider a personal hell. I won't let anyone into my dorm, not even my two moms when they found out I'd been 'sick'. I'm not answering any calls. I'm pissed off, mad, angry even, at the boy I love more than the world itself.

The lamp beside my bed is gathering dust; I haven't turned any lights on in three days now. I'm aware of the sound of my music, the songs changing far too quickly as I drift in and out of consciousness. I just want to numb it, numb all emotion my empty heart has managed to retain. But I can't – not when I get a phone call from him every four hours or so.

The phone buzzes again. The time – 1:45 am – as well as the caller pop up on my screen. "Katsuki..." I mutter, "leave me the fuck alone."

Then the tears begin. Not for the first time; no. Not for the second or third time either. Not for the fifth, or eighth, or tenth, or twentieth, probably not for the hundredth at this point. Every moment I'm awake, I spend with tears in my eyes. I can't control my emotions, and anger is the hardest of all to hold back.

Anger! What he did is what I'm angry at, not him. Or, at least, that's the lie I've been telling myself. I'm mad at myself for being so smitten with him. Mad at myself for ruining what a perfect friendship we had. 

In my near delirious state, I reach for my phone. Might as well... I think, pressing play on the first one of Katsuki's voicemails. I let them play, one after the other.

'Hey there, it's me. You weren't in class today. Pinkie Pie is worried, but I reckon you're fine, right? Anyway, hope you get better soon, and I'll see you tomorrow, pal!'

'Hey Kiri. So, you're pretty sick, huh? You sure missed a lot in the two days you've been away! Ojiro and Hakagure finally got back together, and Half-And-Half and Deku finally broke up. How fucking mad is that, right? Anyway, I heard Deku dumped him because he liked someone else. I'm asking him out tomorrow, so hopefully you'll be back by then, right, bro? Anyway, I'll see you. Bye!'

My stomach drops. He... he's asking Deku out? My mind is spiraling out of control, so I pause the voicemails and stare blankly at my phone. Do I want to know what happened today - wait, no, yesterday? Will my heart be broken beyond repair? Will they be together? 

I'm about to put the phone down, when I realize how stupid that'd be to do. Can't go back to class in a week clueless about the latest gossip, right? And who cares about my feelings, anyway, when Bakugo could be happy with his childhood friend? He's been crushing on Deku since I've known him, so I should be happy for him to have this choice. But still...

Deku is a piece of trash. He doesn't deserve Bakugo. He got over Todoroki so quickly. There is no way they had been in love - If you're in love with someone, you don't get over them in a few days, and certainly not while together. Yes, you can fall out of love, but Deku doesn't do that - Izuku Midoriya is a sociopath. He pretends to care, he really does, but it's all in vain. I can see past him. He never loved Todoroki, or Uraraka when they were together. Chances are he won't love Katsuki, even if he says he does! Which he won't - he can't, right? Right?!

I press play on the voicemails.

'Kirishima!' It's... Denki? And Katsuki, of course. And Mina, and Jirou too. They all say hey to me, complete with their own comments of "Where have you been?" and "Hope you're okay!"

'Anyway,' Bakugo continues. 'I'm on my way to ask Deku out right now. Wish me luck, bro! Anyway, I'll call you back after. Can't wait to hear what he says. See you, man.'

As the final voicemail plays, the one from a few minutes ago, I break into tears again. Either Bakugo will be broken, or I'll be absolutely decimated. Can't he see that?! Why plague me with his stories if he knows they'll kill me?

Because he doesn't care about anyone but himself, part of me whispers. Because he's a horrible person. I brush those thoughts aside, and focus on the final voicemail.

It's Izuku.

'Hey Kirishima! As Bakugo's best friend, I just thought I'd let you know that we're officially together now. Call us back when you get this, okay? We're worried sick!'

'Seeya buddy,' Bakugo's voice says quietly, and then the line goes quiet.

All is quiet for a minute. All is numb.

Until I'm hit with the most surging wave of emotional pain I've ever felt.

I'd say it felt like I was being stabbed, but that wouldn't do it any justice. I let out a strangled sob, clutching my heart, fighting the pain. In fact, being stabbed would probably be better than this... this heartbreak induced sickness I am forcing myself to experience. I could have just not listened to the voicemail. I could have saved myself, by just having some more self-care. But it probably wouldn't help, I realize. I would have found out sooner or later. Another wave of pain hits, so blindingly abrupt, that I almost don't notice it when I stumble to the kitchen and pull out the sharpest knife I own.

Before long, twelve neat slits are dashed across my left wrist. 

The sweet, sweet physical pain drowns my emotions, and I begin sobbing with delight. The red orbs of blood that trickle down my arm look hauntingly beautiful in the moonlight that seeps through the cracks in my blinds, calming me down. I'm left smiling emptily at space, clutching my arm, falling asleep on the kitchen floor...

If it gets anything worse than this, I decide, if the pain continues, I might have to go for something a little more permanent.