KPOP Imagines pt.1 AURORA

San (Ateez) "Loved"

You looked around at your apartment before placing the letter on the counter. Biting your lip, you shut the door behind you, not caring to lock it. You knew your letter would explain everything. The reason why you left. Maybe you will return, who knows. But you knew you needed a break. Shoving the keys and turning the handle you speed away on your motorcycle out of the community and into where ever you chose to go.

It wasn't long before your long best friend San came to check up on you. He knew you weren't feeling well (As you had told him a few days ago) so he brought a few of your favorite items in hopes of making you smile at least. You had known San ever since you started that international transfer program and decided to move to Korea. You both bonded so well and stuck together during the last few years of high school. He was the one person who knew he had your back and you had his but after a few fights with your parents, you had become emotionally exhausted. San never asked for the reason for the change of behavior and gave you space. Today, he had decided to confront you about your problems. He was about to knock on the door when he realized you hadn't locked it. Turning the knob, he stepped into the cold apartment room. Everything was dark and your scent lingered in the air but San had a feeling that you weren't home. As he stepped further into the room, he noticed the letter you had left him. Picking it up, tears welled into his eyes as San hand covered his mouth to choke back a small sob.

Dear San,

Pain, for the first time in so long I felt pain; physical pain. It doesn't hurt so much as it does on the inside. But I feel nothing. No emotion, less guilt. But I feel empty. My face feels tears for the first time in so long, that now I forgot how they tasted. Salty but less salty than blood though. The only thing other than my life that's a mess is my head. I can't stop thinking about what life would be like if I just leave, or change. Maybe if I changed, things would be better off for everyone. But the thing is, I tried. I tried changing, but that only resulted in me losing everything. I almost lost my sanity. But I never had that in the first place. I don't know what is going on. But I have to hang on a few more years... then I'll leave and start over...

I can't go to anyone because then I'll look bad. I don't have anyone. I used to, but then I left them. I can only stay strong for so long. I've already broken one time, I can't break again. It hurts too much and I don't like pain. But after hurting so long, it seems as if nothing hurts anymore. I feel nothing and empty. I lie just to stay strong, but I can't go on for so long. But the pain keeps coming more often know, I don't know what to do. I lost control, I lost everything. My sanity, trust, emotion. I can't do anything except take in the blows and watch as everything around me slowly falls apart. I really don't know what to do...

I want someone to lean on someone ... once in a while maybe. I want to feel emotions again. I want to be my past self again. I want to smile genuinely at someone or something. I want so many things, but I know I don't deserve any of them. I don't deserve anything; that's why I never ask. I used to feel one emotion, anger. But now, I've lost that too. I'm only producing empty tears. People say to ask help... but they can't change anything. I've lost so many things, that I stopped counting. Maybe one day... I'll get some things back. I would like that. But right now... I'll keep going. I'll stay strong; because that's all I can do right now...

I don't know where things went wrong. But as far back as I remember, I was always broken. I started losing everything. One by one. First was love, then attention, pride, emotion, faith, trust, feelings, sanity all up till now. I don't have anything to lose now. I tried, I really did. But nothing

seems to work. I've been like this for so long that I'm used to it now. The bruises are now just marks. The pain inside doesn't swell up anymore. I've stopped trying to fix myself because I know that nothing will work. Nothing ever does...