Everything

Rumors and Choices

Rumors and Northeast swam hand in hand. Girls were constantly trying to get back at someone else, and stretched the truth, leading to someone else stretching the truth, until it became a full forced lie.
The first rumor I had fly around about me was one that changed my life, so greatly. I had previously suggested that a girl was a lesbian, because that's the vibe she gave me. I'm sure someone heard me and changed the story to me calling Hannah a lesbian. When I got to English, she wasn't talking to me.
I turned to her and asked her, "What's going on?"
she didn't say anything.
"Why are you mad at me, did I do something?"
she turned to me, "You called me a lesbian. I'm not a lesbian and I don't know why you would say that."
I was immediately set back. I had no idea what she was talking about. "I didn't even say that... who told you that?"
"It doesn't matter, Tatum. Just leave me alone."
I opened my mouth to try to make sense of this situation, but Frau was looking at us, waiting to continue discussion. I turned back in my chair to face the front of the room.
I didn't understand. I never called Hannah a lesbian. What did I care if she was, or not? I didn't. I wanted to be friends with Hannah. She was sweet and funny.
Soon after, the bell rang for lunch. The class got into line as other classes joined, as well. I became lost in thought before I noticed Hannah just a few people in front of me, in line. I shoved my way up to her and she discontinued her conversation with Taylor.
"Hannah, I don't know why people are saying this about me. I wouldn't call you a lesbian. I haven't said a single word about you!" I grew so frustrated that I began to cry. The first time I ever cried at school. Taylor stared at me as I frantically tried to continue what I was saying but Hannah stopped me and hugged me.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry, I believe you. It's okay"
And thus began one of the most important friendships in my life.
I would pretend I knew French, because I did know a few words and sentences, to try and impress Hannah. She and I would laugh during class and joke around with Frau. We somehow always got sat next to each other in seating arrangements.
I introduced her to Katelinn and Shyanne. We would all be goofy together and a couple times we would go to a teen club in Illinois called River Rock. Steven went there, too.
Hannah was the only one brave to actually get up with the other people and dance. Everyone loved when she danced. She did it seductively. Swaying her hips and twirling her arms. She was exotic.
Every boy she came into contact with fell in love with her. She was brave and beautiful.
Whenever she, Katelinn and I were together I felt like they didn't notice me as much as each other. I wasn't as pretty. My jokes weren't as funny. The way I laughed hysterically at my own jokes, while they only chuckled, was weird. They didn't have to say it, because I knew.
When I got a crush on a boy it only ended in embarrassment, while theirs always went how they wanted it to. I wanted to know how they did it.
I didn't understand how they could be so casual and not want to talk to their boyfriends all the time. I didn't freak out my boyfriends I just thought about them so much, yet I knew I wouldn't know what to do if the time came where I would hang out with them. I didn't like kissing. It made me feel weird and it was so intimate. I felt so young.
When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who belonged in 6th grade. I saw my stomach that was just a little too big. I felt my shorts ride up when i walked. I didn't feel pretty. I tried not to think about it. Avoiding mirrors, to avoid the hatred I had for myself. Why couldn't my eyes be a bit bigger? Why couldn't my arms be a bit smaller? Why couldn't I be normal?
I saw everyone else around me as examples. Listening to conversations during school and wishing I was them. They didn't have to think to tell a joke, they didn't have to try to be anything, like I did.
I wore the same sweatshirts every week, because they covered up my chubby stomach and my hips which came out a bit further than my jeans. I saw these imperfections as unacceptable and didn't want anyone else to be able to see them.
I should have taken a look at my friends. Katelinn was a bit bigger than me but when Katelinn and I went to a boy, Wil's house, he chose her. Not at first, but that's not the part that matters. It matters that size doesn't matter.
Wil was beautiful. He was funny. He had long golden-brown hair that looked like silk. I would always touch it. He needed glasses, but didn't wear them.
The first time Katelinn and I went to Wil's we just acted goofy, like we always did. I didn't feel like we had to act a certain way around Wil, because he wouldn't judge us. He wouldn't call us weird, for he was weird himself. We ran around his house, holding something he wanted so that he would chase after us.
Somehow we, all three, ended up on his bed. Wil in the middle. He was facing me. He wiggled his leg between my two and I liked the feeling, of legs intertwined. Wil looked at me and pretended to kiss me. Then he turned and did the same to Katelinn. I wasn't going to fight over a boy with her. I wasn't going to be any type of choice so I got up and left them to do what they wanted until Katelinn's mom came to get us.
That's the first time I ever let a boy go. I don't like letting a man think he has the power of choice when it comes to a lady. It's hurtful and degrading. We aren't supposed to be treated like a listing on a menu. We are supposed to be fought over, wanted with every ounce of a man's being, so that there is nothing left over for anyone else. We are also supposed to replicate that to anyone who proves it's presence to us. If you find that, never let it go.