Longing

vsco

you may make a move too extreme which messes everything up. he won't act the same as he did before because you pushed it over the edge. he doesn't feel the same way i feel about him. every. single. time. you just can't push it anymore. all you want is the feeling for someone to care about you enough to talk to you and hold you when your hurting but you end up in pain, suffering alone from extra things you caused yourself. seeing all of the pictures of couples, their texts, their love. that's all i want. just the feeling. the feeling i may never experience. the feeling my friends tell me i won't ever experience. because i'm not good enough. how much waiting will it take to finally get to the one who will stay. how much time am i supposed to invest in the hope of something more which may never happen? how far am i going to push my emotions before i break? where there will be no where else to go and no one to hold onto. to be trapped in the empty void of hope leading to the pit of dispair. as the distance grows and the cut deepens, the aching in my heart grows stronger. the vast emptiness cannot be closed. now what i don't understand is how i can put myself out there, and relentlessly be beaten back down. how many times can a person take rejection before they reach their breaking point? what happens then? why can't the tables turn in my favor to let me experience the joy and content everyone else has. i want to have someone care about me enough to not be a second choice. to be loved and cared for. i smile and hold back the tears and agonizing pain of the longing and desire for someone to care. the love you could experience and the pure connection between us. i long to look into his eyes. what hurts is you may be the one for me, but i don't know how to tell. sure after every single guy, i am always rejected. there has never been a success story, even slightly. i don't know how i could feel if i have him. just blankly staring waiting for a response, yet knowing you'll never get what your searching for. the emptiness with follow you forever and seems to never be satisfied. people always try to be positive and blame it on society rather than saying something is wrong with them. but how come everyone else is out on saturday's and i'm at home every night in bed by 8:30 because i have no where better to be and nothing better to do. what is wrong with me actually?