(Context: guy asked me on a date and I kept putting him off, he wanted an explanation and got this)
Lets see. First off. The past two weeks has been utter shit. I have pretty much lost my motivation and am barely processing anything. Since most my classes are based around creativity, I feel like I am failing to meet expectations. I beat myself up for it a lot more than I should. I have a habit of putting on a smile all the time and because of this, I don't vent that often. The whole academically struggling side pretty much consumed my social life. I have grown distant from pretty much everything. I considered self harm for awhile because I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything. One of my biggest secrets is that I always hope to casually slip into a coma. No expectations and a place to get away. You know why I read so much? It's the escapism. I hate being alive most days. When I mention maybe going to therapy, everyone brushes it off and say I'm exaggerating. But thats a whole other tangent. Truthfully, with all of this, I haven't wanted to do anything. I've pretty much consumed my will to let myself do anything. Nothing sounds like fun anymore. Not to mention my social anxiety has increased ten fold in the past two weeks. I am scared shitless of people. I swear, I am not always like this but when it hits, it hits hard. My social anxiety has no chill. I would hypothesis that it's out of self preservation. I walk around campus with headphones and a hood pulled over my head not. Yeah, prob not healthy but it sounds better to stay above water than to have a conversation and be held under. So you asked me out in the middle of this right? What was it, last Friday? Between major social anxiety trying to keep me alive and the standard to keep up with everyones expectations, I was so conflicted that I couldn't even reply. A part of me really wanted me to go out with you but the bigger part of me just needed to recover. I could go into the whole thing of being sent into spiraling depression after my last date but this is long enough. I guess to sum it up, my mental state is a war zone and being reclusive for awhile seems to be winning.
YOU ARE READING
Letters that I'll never send you
RomanceI've fallen head over heels and my friend and family are sick of hearing it so I type out these random letters that I wish I was brave enough to send him.
