Letters that I'll never send you

I am so angry and sad

Hello kiddos. We are back to rant and this might not make complete sense because I am not making complete sense. SOOOO basically, this guy I am in love with, same one that most of this book has prob been about, is a boring asshat. I don't do boring. I need movement. I need to do stuff. There is prob a condition for this but idk man. I'm not a psychologist. Anyways, the only thing he ever wants to do is "hang out" but we never do anything. Just sit in a semi silence that makes me super awkward. I already don't like small talk, but hanging out with someone when I could be having twice as much fun by myself, yeah, not for me. Like I want to play video games, go hiking, go see a movie, LITERALLY ANYTHING THAT ISNT LAYING IN BED HARDLY SPEAKING. It is already super uncomfortable for me to be around guys. At least if I am doing something, I won't be too worried about "is my hand placed at an odd angle". Ya know? I am not as comfortable around him in person and I feel like if I amuse myself on my phone, like I usually do when I am alone and happy, is rude. I don't want to be rude. But I don't want to sit there in silence. Cause I love him but this boy doesn't add much to a conversation. Might as well be talking to a wall. Anyways, all he ever wants to do is come over but I am not comfortable with that. Side note: everyone in my life is just calling me a whim and saying I am scared and I need to get over it. thanks mom. She doesn't think I have social anxiety.

On the other hand, I am sad. I recently found out that I am very empathetic. Like I never want someone to self harm because of me. Like if someone tried to commit suicide and I could have done anything to stop it but I didn't and they died, I would feel awful. And if he died or something happened because I am an emotional rollercoaster, I genuinely don't think I could survive. Even if he just died in some unrelated freak accident, I don't know if I'd be okay ever. 

Then on the total flip side, I don't think I am capable of love. Like at all. Like I feel like an rock. I miss the butterflies after sending a risky text. I don't get those butterflies anymore. I feel like its because we are an old couple and nothing rocks the boat anymore. 

Also, I love being single. I like flirting around with strangers and forming friendship but I don't necessarily want a relationship or meet them in person because hashtag social anxiety. I don't know anymore but it seems like that happy ending is just not in the cards right now. I just want to exist as grace. I feel like literally my entire self image has flipped in the past few months and I don't know who I am or what I want. Nothing is super fun for me anymore. I don't really have any passions.