The Pianist - One Direction

Chapter 38

Zayn's POV

An embrace I had longed for in such a long time, for so many months in my old life. The life in the town that I had left far behind me, and the dreams of that feeling was back there with it. It all came back in the flash of a second. Every memory. Every thought. Only zero feelings.

The old Zayn wouldn't have fought for a place in the X-factor as hard as he did without further reasons. I didn't get up from my bed early that morning just because my mum said I should. I didn't get so happy by every week we got to stay in the competition only because I wanted to win. In the beginning, I didn't do everything in my power to make the band survive outside the X-factor just because I wanted to come far and get famous and be the best band we could be.

I did it, because I had to get away from the old me. I had to get away from her.

And oh, if I hadn't feared meeting her again like that. I had gone through sleepless nights thinking of how thin my walls from those feelings were. How easily I would go back to the old me just by something as simple as an embrace or a phonecall. How I wouldn't doubt a second before running back to her if she'd let me even though I tried so hard to get over it. To get over her. It all used to come back to her in some way.

And when the moment - the one where she had shouted my name and run up to me with the smile I had fallen for in the first place and jump up in my arms and hold me almost like she knew it was a bad idea to let me go in the first place - actually came, I didn't feel a thing. It was the perfect scenario that I had spent so long time dreaming of. The one where she would realise that she should've stayed with me instead of going to my "best" friend.

But all I could think of was the girl next to me, who had her small hand in mine just a second before and again, seconds later. Not the one in my arms.

Isabelle Bower had made me forget about Tammy Olsen. Even though I had told myself so many times that it was impossible. That no matter what happened, Tammy would always be the girl of my dreams. Still, she was nothing compared to Issy. She didn't look like sunshine any longer, because Issy was shining brighter than Tammy ever had. Issy made me feel happier than she ever had done, and I had never even thought about comparing them to each other before they were standing next to each other. I was over Tammy. I was completely over her because I was truly, madly, deeply in love with Isabelle Bower. And I couldn't be happier.

It wasn't even hard talking to B and Tammy. It didn't feel like a punch to my stomach when we joked about Tammy never stopping to talk about me or about Tammy coming with me on the tour when it started again. It was fun and I saw nothing serious in it because there were no seriousness. I didn't secretly want her with me. I didn't want her at all.

Tammy, B and I had been like the three musketeers when we were younger. Tammy and I were more than just friends already from when we met her. B and I welcomed her to be with us from the first day she came to Bradford when we were around 15 years old.

B never seemed to have a problem with being some kind of third wheel. Tammy and I weren't fans of PDA or being incredibly loving and cute in public. People were jealous of our friendship, of our relationship. Of our trio.

Until my best friends decided they were better off without me.

I had never been social around new people. Or people at all. I didn't have any other friends I could go to. I had nowhere to disappear, nowhere to run. So I forced myself to pretend it was okay and told them I was okay with it as long as they were happier as a couple. That he could make her happier than I could. 

So when my sister came home one day, telling me there were auditions for the X-factor soon not that far away, I knew it was my way out of there. I wouldn't end up far from Bradford if I didn't do something right drastic.