Dreaming of Drowning

Hello

I would say my name but I'm not really comfortable doing so. I prefer to remain anonymous. I will tell you that I'm a 18, almost 19 year old girl. 

For the past year I've found that my mind has moved into a very negative and sad place in recent times. I'm usually known for being a very positive person. But I've found I can no longer uphold that facade. I can't smile all the time anymore. I can laugh all the time anymore. I can barely bring myself to be around people unless absolutely necessary, like at work. The worst part?  I don't know what's wrong with me.

 I can't afford a psychiatrist, and I don't have my license yet. Though I'm afraid of getting it anyway because I know I'll screw up and probably have an accident of some kind. I often mess basic things up anyway, being labeled as ditzy, so it wouldn't surprise me to fail at something that important. 

The main reason I'm here though is to talk about my feelings of suicide. I've considered killing myself multiple times over the past two years I'd say. I don't think anyone really knows it either. I prefer it that way. Everyone I know would either freak out or just not care. Mainly they'd berate me and demand to know why I feel that way. Not to mention like I said before my financial situation doesn't allow me to get a physiatrist. Hopefully that'll change one day.

But for now, I'm in desperate need of a listening ear. Someone who's not just gonna write me off or attack me for the way I feel. I also don't trust my family nor do they understand enough for me to tell them. They have their own problems. I'll talk more about that later though.

So if it won't bother you, I want to tell you why I daydream about killing myself. Why the thought comforts me. Why it calms me. Why I dream about drowning. I appreciate anyone taking just a moment to read this.  So, let's see how this goes.