So we've begun a new year. Along with it I've turned 19. Not that it matters. I'm not looking forward to this year any more than I did last year. Or the year before it, and the year before it, etc. Every year just brings more of the same monotonous and painful routine. Getting out of bed, going to work, coming home, eating something once in a while, then sleeping. When I don't work I just lay around in bed either sleeping or watching stupid videos online. I have nothing else to occupy my time with usually. I have no friends to spend time with. Even on the off chance I do get invited to something I'll either have to work I just won't feel like being around anybody. I'll get into more detail about my nonexistent social life later though.
All I know is now everyone is talking about how great their year was. All the wonderful things they go to do, places they got to see, people they got to spend time with, and how they Lol forward to even more of it this year. Myself? I can't think anything I'm looking forward. Why not? Because I don't have anything to look forward to! As established, I have no real friends, so that doesn't count. I never really get to travel and the few times I have were either bad trips, or are now considered bad memories due to lost friendships. My life is anything but interesting. Even if it was I really don't think I'd be all that happier. That's where these feelings of suicide, and possible anxiety, come into play,
They rob me of any true joy I may be given the opportunity to experience. It feels like there's something else attached to my very being, draining me of any and all motivation. To the point where the most mundane of tasks feel like I'm coloring Mt. Everest! Getting out of bed in itself is a chore, let along doing anything of importance. I'm just so tired and so sad.
So what's gonna be so great about this new year? Who knows? Who cares? When the answer is fealty 'nothing', why would I consider it great? Last year was a blur of unimportance. I'm positive this year will be no different.
Unless...I actually fulfill my desire to die. Obviously that desire will be fulfilled wether of my own doing or not regardless. So perhaps there is one thing to look froward to this new year after all.. If it happens. And if not, we'll that's just more time to think about the inevitable, right?
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Dreaming of Drowning
Não FicçãoI need someone, anyone, to hear my feelings. I can't keep them to myself anymore. If I do, I'm afraid I may do something I'll regret. I want to talk about my feelings of suicide, and some of the reasons I feel like taking such drastic actions. I hav...
