Cracks in the Spires

21: That's what friends are for.

Kiri was woken by his bladder sending urgent messages to his brain. After desperately trying to convince himself he didn't need a pee he had to admit he did. He eased himself up from the back seat of the skimmer wondering how to climb over Jan without waking him. Then he realised Jan wasn't there. A quick check showed Lolly was still sleeping soundly in the baggage area. He squinted through the front window of the skimmer and could see moonlight shining on the open area in front of the cave. He was relieved that the storm had blown itself out. Arriving here had been an exciting experience though thankfully once they'd dropped into the shelter of the rocks the skimmer had stopped plunging up and down and lurching from side to side. He'd been glad his stomach was empty for the trip. He'd also been sure Jan would never fit the skimmer in through the entrance to the cave but he had. He climbed out of the skimmer shutting the door behind him. Once he'd taken care of his bladder he looked round. The place was beautiful. He breathed in the warm night air and wandered out to get a better look at the valley below. That was when he saw Jan sitting hunched over on one of the rocks. His head buried in his arms. Kiri could see that his shoulders were shaking. He hesitated not sure whether Jan would want anyone's company. Then Jan lifted his head and wiped his hand across his eyes. He looked so desolate that Kiri found himself unable to creep away and pretend he hadn't seen.

"Jan what is it? What's the matter?"

Jan turned his head. "Nothing." He shrugged "Well, nothing that anyone can help with."

Kiri sat on the rock next to him "Try me. Even if I can't help saying it out loud often makes it better. I found that out. Dad couldn't do anything about my problems but just the fact he listened made a difference."

Jan didn't respond and they sat in silence. Kiri became absorbed in watching the play of moonlight and shadows on the rocks in the valley below them. He jumped when Jan suddenly broke the silence

"Last time I was here I sat on a rock somewhere down there telling Per how much in love I was. That I wasn't sure if Sol loved me as much as I loved her. It was all lies. It turned out she loved me, not the other way round. I was just infatuated and I hurt her. I hurt her because I was lying to myself." Once he'd started Jan couldn't stop. He poured out everything. How he'd always been the one to break off relationships and why. How he'd thought it was different with Sol but it wasn't. How Grandma Heta had made him see the truth about himself. He turned to Kiri "I didn't want to admit to myself that I'm a same-sexer like my cousin. I felt different enough as it was. I liked dressing up in my half sister's clothes ever since I was little. Everyone thought I'd grow out of it but I didn't. Then being half elite, half not was difficult. I'd always intended to renounce being elite when I was eighteen. I wanted to live with Papa in UpCit and be a professional acrobat. Thanks to Foran Tesh Vik I never got the chance. Papa understood me better than anyone. Perhaps if I'd been with him I wouldn't have been so stupid." He shrugged and a half smile flitted across his face "but maybe I would. Who knows? After Sol I made a solemn promise to myself. No more relationships with women and probably no more relationships at all. So I'm sorry I've been flirting with you."

Jan by his own admission was an emotional mess but then so was he. He reached out and touched Jan's arm and when Jan turned to look at him he smiled

"Don't be sorry. It has been fun. I shouldn't have encouraged you but I lead a very lonely life in the City. I'm a recluse. Up until Dad brought me to the Warrens he was the only person I ever spoke to apart from customers."

"Because of your anxiety?"

"No because of a spell in the Correction Centre. Dad and his boss pulled a lot of strings to get me out of there and remove it from my citizenship record. The price was live alone, stay alone, and keep my head down. I had no problem with that, not after two turns of being in solitary, chained up, beaten and raped by two of the guards. I'd think I'd have killed myself if they hadn't got me out."

Jan was appalled. "I don't think I'd have lasted two turns. I'm sorry. I've been going on about my problems most of which are of my own making. I've had choices and privileges that most people in Esperance can't even dream of having." He stared at Kiri "What did you do to land in the Correction Centre?" then belatedly realising Kiri might not want to tell him added hastily "Sorry me being thoughtless again. I shouldn't have asked."

"No it's all right. I got sentenced to re-education for deviancy."

"Deviancy? I can't imagine you as a political agitator!"

Kiri giggled "No I wouldn't dare, not with Dad working for Administrator Verde." He sobered again "You're forgetting the other people who are deviant. Like you I don't exactly fit the norms. I knew that having a relationship was risky because of what I am but he used to talk about how he hated the way we were made to conform to a rigid set of social rules. How people should be free to be what they want. I made the mistake of believing him. So I let my guard down and he informed on me. The reward for reporting a sprag outweighed his principles."

"A sprag? I thought you were a woman."

"No, I'm not a woman."

Jan stared "But..." he stopped himself blurting out 'you've got tits' after all he'd got a dick and he'd passed himself off as Marcellina very successfully. He was being stupid and thoughtless again.

Jan was unaware that even in the moonlight the expressions that flitted across his face were all too easy to read. Kiri's laughter bubbled up again

"Don't look so worried. It's true I do have breasts but I'm a man." He glanced at Jan and decided that now he'd admitted that much he might as well tell him the whole story. "My body went wrong when I hit puberty. Mum didn't handle it so well. She wanted me institutionalised. My parents split up because of me. Dad moved out and took me with him. He got me hormones through some of his dubious contacts. He was scared to take me for treatment because people with mental or physical deformities do get put away. My health is fine now but the breasts never went away. It was Dad's idea that I pass as a woman because I look more feminine than masculine. He thought it would be safer for me. He was right and if I'd listened to him I wouldn't have got into the trouble I did but Troy was very good looking and I was naïve and stupid. So now I don't do relationships either."

"You've had it a lot rougher than I have. I've been lucky. I've always been surrounded by people I could trust. I have another cousin, he's a professional acrobat and he helped me with Marcellina. He acted as my agent. He was the only one who knew I wasn't a woman and then when Foran killed my family he hid me at great personal risk to himself. I don't think until now, hearing your story that I've ever really appreciated how much I owe other people. Thank you for telling me. I promise I won't betray your trust."

"I know you won't. So though we don't do relationships maybe we could be friends?" Kiri held out his hand and Jan grasped it

"Thank you. You were right, talking about it has helped and I'd like very much for us to be friends." his impish smile broke out "If I forget and start flirting just smack me round the head."

Kiri chuckled "That's what friends are for."