Life Without You

Acceptance - Part 1

11:57 a.m. , the time of Phil's death. I look at him while the soft light of the sun falls on his face. I hear birds chirping outside and feel the damp of a fresh London morning.
You can hear soft murmuring and crying people outside of the room. If you didn't know any better, nothing had changed, nothing had happened, everything is just going on like it always does. Somebody out there is just having a normal workday like every Tuesday afternoon and another one is having a normal coffee at the local cafe with his friends. While for me, the whole world just changed.
I thought that if this ever happened, it would be different. Maybe it would rain like in the movies or the world would be quieter. But it didn't feel like anything different than normal. Because in the end, just a normal citizens had died who most people don't even know about. And the whole world doesn't just stop for one simple citizen. But the problem is, is that for me he isn't just a common citizen. He's Phil, and he is dead.

I can't believe he's dead.

I grab his hand, it's already cold. I look into his dull eyes, wanting them to stare back into mine so bad, but they keep staring to the ceiling. His eyes, where I once could drown in a big blue ocean, full of bright fish and vibrant colours. Where no one looked afraid to die and everyone swam in peace. Where the sun never seemed to stop shining, and when it did, a beautiful silent night appeared. A night where you could only hear the rustle of the waves, where the bright galaxy, filled with all kinds of unknown colours, and the glow of the full moon the only light resources were. Where the see pitch black was, but you could still see glowing fish swimming in the water. I could get lost in his eyes for hours, but now I can't. When I look in his eyes, I can't see the big blue ocean full of bright fish and vibrant colours where no one looked afraid to die. I can't see a night where you could only hear the rustle of the waves, where the bright galaxy and the glow of the full moon the only light resources were. Where the see pitch black was, but you could still see glowing fish swimming in the water. I couldn't see anything more than a grey nothing.
I squeeze in his hand, hoping he would maybe squeeze back or just make any movement. I bite on my lip. Nothing happens. I keep scanning his whole body, maybe, just maybe, I would see him blink, or his arm would twitch, or his chest would move. But nothing happened, so I check him again and again and again. I still don't get how this could happen.
I feel how slowly all the colours of the room are fading away. The bright blue vase with plastic red and yellow flowers on the simple white table next to Phil's bed that I couldn't care less about when I entered the room, were slowly losing all their vivid and bold colours and becoming dull and gloomy. The first warm and bright sun, who's sun rays were falling in the room through two large windows on the wall, feels now cold and dull. Even the colourless white floor became a grey blur.
As the sparkle from Phil's eyes slowly fades away, the realisation is becoming more and more realistic. I bite even harder on my lip so it doesn't start to tremble. I don't want to believe it, but his body is already slowly losing colour. I start to get a little dizzy and my head begins to pound. I know that my face is getting white and red spots are starting to appear. I brush his hair out of his face so I can see his face better. I stare at it. His face, which ones was the most happiest that existed. I give him a little kiss on his forehead and lips.
I let go of his hand and just stare at him for a while, hopeless, sad. Nothing and at the same time everything was going through me. Devastated I grab his shoulders and start to slowly shake him. 'Phil' I say with a low and hoarse voice. He doesn't wake up. 'Phil' My eyes are getting wet. 'Will you-' I swallow, 'will you just please wake up, please. Just... wake up okay?' I say with all hope drained out of me.
Suddenly I feel a warm hand touch me on my shoulder. I look up and see that it's Phil's mom who just arrived. Her hair looks unkempt and her eyes are red like she just cried. She has a purple T-shirt on and to small sweatpants with dark pink flip flops. 'Hey' she says in a soft and gentle voice. I don't say anything. She looks at Phil 'Am I to late?' She says with a lump in her throat. I let go of Phil's shoulders and look down at my legs. I don't want to say it, I don't want to be the one confirming it, I still don't want to believe it myself. I swallow. She sits down next to me on a chair, still with her arm on my shoulder. She looks at me 'Are you okay?' I still don't react. She shakes her head 'I'm sorry what a stupid question.' She sniffs. 'He has done so much good to this world, he made so many people happy and saved so many lives with it. He didn't deserve to have such a short life.' her voice was trembling 'Well at least he lived a good life, right?' She looked for another confirmation, again, something confirming that he's dead. And again, I didn't answer it, I can't say it. She looks at me, my hands are curled up in fist on my legs, my face looks white and I'm looking to the ground. I have the feeling like I can't move or swallow. 'Hey, it's okay to cry' Phil's mom said in a soft, sweet voice.
The time stopped when she said that. Something broke inside me. Something I hadn't felt for a long time. It looked like the little broken teenage boy inside me just came back up again. 'It's okay to cry?' it asked. I look up at her with a single tear rolling down my face, hopeless and miserable. I see that she is also crying.
'I don't want him to die' my voice broke, I broke, when is said that. She wraps her arm tight around me. I couldn’t stop it, and a wave of tears start streaming down my face.
'It's okay, it's okay' she keeps repeating softly while she strokes my hair. I feel the embarrassment going through my body. I feel like a crying kid who just fell off his bike, but I just can't stop crying, because Phil is dead. And he is never going to return. This isn't a fantasy film where he would return from the dead, this is real. And how much I want it, he won't get up and make one of his dorky jokes. He will never wake up anymore. Phil is gone.

Thanks for reading, I'm going to try to post something new next week.