an open letter to..

open letter to my kindergarten bully

To E

What is it about me, what is it about me that since kindergarten you pointed at me and thought "thats her, thats whom i wish  to pick on to make her feel horrible about herself to nit pick every little bad thing about her and make sure she never forgets them"

what made you hate me so much that you made sure i had no-one to make sure that i only had one friend and I'm pretty sure that that one person was only friends with me because we had the same name, I'm pretty sure she didn't even like me

but why would anyone

see when i started Kindergarten i was the happiest little bean so exited for this new adventure, to make new friends to explore this world that my siblings would always talk about but you and your little top dog friends decided to make that little happy girl the most sad and insecure person in that whole school 

when i graduated i was happy, happy for that chapter in my life to be over, the chapter where you had control of my thoughts, i went into high school with the same energy as Kindergarten, but with a little more experience, at this point i knew people would try to stop my outgoing personality but i promised myself i wouldn't let them, wouldn't let them take control of me the way you took control of me, and i followed through with that, until i could no longer go to the school i was at, i was sad  to leave my amazing friends behind but exited to start yet another chapter.

i went to this school only knowing 3 people but i was ready but by the odds of the gods that hate me oh so much, earlier that year you also transferred to that exact same school, and by all of those gods that hate me so much, i was placed in your class, i found this out but still decided to be optimistic hopefully you grew out of that stage where you be a d**k head to me for no other reason rather then existing , but my optimisation was very soon shot down and i was back to square one, i don't know why you do these things to me why oh why you make everyone turn on me i've talked to a poop ton of adults about you and your friends who enjoy shooting me down and the top three reasonings i get out of them is; they're jealous, they like you , they've been bullied themselves and don't know how to deal with their anger. So i've always tried to be nice to you, give you the benefit of the doubt but you keep on trying to make me feel like absolute shit every day

At this point i've given up on being and optimistic person you made me a realist kind of person because everything you've shot at me made me realise that it doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, there is always going to be some kind of thing that wants to poor the water out

i've started trying to ignore you and your remarks and trust me its not easy but i can never get the question out of my head 

"WHY" why me is it the way i dress my hair my face what makes me a target 

at this point I'm dreaming for the day you permanently leave my life you permanently deside that your sick and tired of taking shots at me but till then ill be your rag doll that you throw around and call names because I'm not fighting back because sadly there is a part of me that thinks your a good guy a part of me that knows i don't know whats happening in your life to make you act like this but if theres one thing i want and i cant believe this is something i want but i want you to get the help you need i hope you find out who you really are and how to truly get out your feelings for you to realise what your doing is not okay 

xoxo your personal rag doll