You Know You Love Me

Seasoned Monster Hunter

    Clink, clink, clink. Pret looked towards the window where the shadow of a massive figure was tapping. She wouldn't have minded his visit if he hadn't already visited today. In fact, he had dropped her back off here an hour ago. She knew he was clingy, but this was ridiculous. 

    "I'm na' here t'take ye. I just got a question. Open up, lass." He tapped on the glass again. She opened up the double door window. He reached through the window. 

    "Hey!" she snarled, smacking at his hand. 

    "Relax," he huffed, shifting her to an open palm. With his other hand, he fished a writhing figure out of his pocket. Her eyes widened. 

    "Lachlan!" she hissed. 

    "When I came home today, this lil fucker tried t'ambush me," Lachlan grumbled. There was a gagged man writhing in his grasp, coated in various specs and powders. 

    "What's he covered in?" she muttered. 

    "Seasonin'," Lachlan said. 

    "Lachlan!" she hissed again. 

    He pouted. "But he tried t'kill me! It's only fair. I was at least gonna snap his neck first." 

    "What he was doing was wrong, but he only did it because you eat people," she snapped. Lachlan opened his mouth to protest but quickly closed it and hung his head down. "Now why did you even bring him here?" 

    "Well…" Lachlan lifted his head to glance at the writhing human. "He kinda smelled like one of yer morsels, and I didn't want t'eat one o' yer morsels." 

    Pret smiled wryly. She appreciated the sentiment. Three months ago he would've eaten her people without a second thought. "Well that isn't our crest," Pret informed him, "But can you ungag him?" Lachlan carefully pulled the gag out of his mouth. 

    "FUCKING BASTARD DICKHEAD MONSTER!" the man screeched. 

    "Where are you from?" Pret interrupted. 

    "THIS FUCKING MONSTER KIDNAPPED ME. CALL YOUR GUARDS." he sputtered as he talked. 

    Lachlan jaw gaped. "I did na'. He's lyin'. I found the tiny fecker in m'house." 

    "YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER, YOU ASS CLOWN," the man shrieked. 

    "Where are you from?" Pret pressed. 

    "Teresia!" he growled, "He's a monster. Your kingdom is in danger. You need to get help. Fuck, get an army!" 

    "Teresia is next door to us. That might be why you picked up our scent." Pret explained. 

    "So I can eat him!" Lachlan grinned. 

    "No!" Pret hissed, "He came to kill you because you eat people. Drop him off in town. He can find his way home." 

    "What? That's na' fair! He tried t'kill me." Lachlan whined. 

    "Once again, he came to kill you because you kill people. If you eat him, then I won't forgive you." Pret said. Lachlan scrunched up his nose. "If he comes back again, then you're allowed to eat him. But he won't disturb you again." Pret turned to the man, "Right?" 

    "HE'S A MONSTER!" the man protested. 

    "He's a giant. They eat humans, just like we eat pigs. You're very lucky that he's letting you go even after you came to his home to kill him." Pret sighed. "Though, I wouldn't be mad if you cleaned him off giant style." Lachlan grinned.

    "What does that mean?" The man thrashed again. Lachlan chucked him into his mouth before he could say another word. He hummed blissfully as he sloshed the human around. Pret most definitely didn't like it, and she pitied the man after knowing what he was experiencing, but she didn't like anyone bothering her giant either. This would at least teach him a lesson without causing any actual harm. 

    When Lachlan finally spit him out, he was speechless and drenched in saliva. "Cleaned" was an objective term. 

    "Satisfied?" Pret sighed. 

    "A little bit," Lachlan purred. 

    "Alright. Drop the poor man off here. And go eat some real food at home." Pret instructed. 

    "Alright, lass. See ye tomorrow." Lachlan grinned cheerfully. 

    "Of course I will." Pret hid a smile.